


A dangerous game

by Yohao88



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 06:51:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 48,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yohao88/pseuds/Yohao88
Summary: Teammates, aspiring national team swimmers and then friends with benefits. How they could fit this last category into their relationship was still a mystery. They were playing with fire and they liked it. But what's going to happen once one of them gets burned?





	1. Chapter 1

It began by chance, like all the pastimes begin. If it could be called a pastime, he really didn't know. Stress-reliever? Better, but it wasn't it. Anyway, looking for a way to call it was useless. It happened frequently enough not to need a name. Luckily? He couldn't say. He couldn't even say he disliked it. Surely it was something so crazy that only an idiot like Rin could come up with such an idea. He was still not able to tell why he went with the flow, that first night and all the others to come. Maybe Rin just bypassed his over-thinking brain, the same way he always did when they were swimming, bringing out sides of his character he didn’t even know. He would have never done such a thing out of his own will.

Yet, almost a year had passed since the first time they did it and, no matter how insane that might have looked to an outsider, in the end he never backed down. That was his and Rin's little secret. It was exciting. As all the things that taste like transgression are.

Sometimes he was wondering what their friends would have thought, if they discovered what they were doing, but he wasn't worried enough, he wasn't scared enough, because, aside from sharing some pleasure, aside from doing it as naturally as telling each other a bedtime story, aside from spending some time with their hands around parts of their bodies they probably weren't supposed to touch – or to touch in _that_ way –, absolutely nothing changed in their daily life.

The first times it was embarrassing, then it rapidly became for all intents and purposes a sort of game. A perilous game, as a little voice in his head was trying sometimes to tell him, but he wasn't able to stop. After all, they weren't doing anything hazardous. At least, helping each other to get off once in a while never looked in any way hazardous to him. As long as they were using only their hands, it was fine.

Despite it being something so… private, with the passing of time it turned into a normal situation, between them, to the point that they were joking about it, fighting about it, challenging each other, even asking for it, sometimes. Finding Rin's hand in his underwear before going to sleep – or doing the same to him – couldn't surprise him anymore.

However, they were also wise enough not to overdo it. Most of the times Rin stayed over, after all, they did nothing and just went to bed. Sleeping on _two different beds_. Well… maybe they were doing it a little more often than that. But… not _so much_ more. Probably.

In any case, if the mood was right and they were all alone, fact was that any excuse was good, any moment was good and almost any place inside their houses was good. Even the bathroom.

Especially the bathroom.

Panting, Haru blankly observed the lamp on the ceiling, holding his breath just long enough to swallow, while trying to make his heartbeat go back to a decent speed. He was feeling as if he just ran for a mile at full speed. What actually happened before felt better than running, though.

He could feel Rin's heart beating just as fast on his chest, where his friend was currently lying as breathless as him, head on his shoulder and hands still somewhere below the water surface. Too bad they got the water dirty, now.

When Rin sat up, he did the same and they remained side by side, with their backs against the wall and their legs dangling outside the bathtub.

“We should stop doing it in here,” Rin said, with a light snort. “You always cum too soon.”

“I'm sorry if it feels better,” Haru grumbled, leaning to the arm Rin just put behind his shoulders.

His friend giggled amused. “You really make no sense.”

“Shut up.”

Feeling the last traces of pleasure slowly leaving their nerves, they basked into the warmth coming from the hot water. That place was almost as suitable as their bedrooms. It often began with one of them offering to wash the other's hair or back. Then… you know… the shoulders, the chest, the abdomen, and maybe – _maybe_ – if they could manage to reach the legs without stopping somewhere else first, they would come out of it unscathed and have a normal bath. _Maybe_. This time, in fact, everything started while they were chatting in the bathtub. How they went from coach Sasabe telling them they could go practice the day after to mutual masturbation was still rather unclear. Probably, they just casually started touching each other while talking or something like that. It never really mattered how that began. The process that led to the end of it was far more interesting indeed.

Once he felt he calmed down completely, Haru gave out a deep sigh, closing his eyes. He couldn’t enjoy it to the fullest, this time. Though he loved water more than anything else, he had to admit bathtubs weren’t exactly suited for certain… activities. Also, doing it in a place that wasn't his bedroom always left him uncomfortable enough not to let pleasure completely get the better of him. Beds were the most natural, obvious, intimate and comfy place where to do something like that. Whenever they were not in his or Rin’s bedroom, his brain would keep asking him why he was having fun with Rin like that, in a bathtub or wherever they were, and being a bit more lucid always allowed him to properly think about _what_ they were doing _while_ doing it. It was rather unsettling. That was why he never really liked not being on his bed. Doing it anywhere else always reminded him how much he was getting addicted to that. Because that was the only truth. Sometimes it really felt like a sort of drug.

“This is kind of wrong,” he mumbled, looking down.

“You think?” Rin replied, relaxed, pausing for some seconds. “Well, doing this with some company is better than doing it alone.”

This time, Haru frowned, looking at him. “Do you even realize how sick this sounds?”

Rin didn't turn. “You don't seem to be against it.”

“I never said I am.” Haru laced his fingers, pressing some water between his palms and making it jump somewhere on the floor with a little spurt. “Sometimes I just wonder… if we should stop.”

Rin observed him for a moment, turning then towards the bathroom door, staying silent as his expression became serious. Haru couldn't tell what he was thinking at all. He never managed to understand Rin's point of view on that matter. Being him the mind that created that weird hobby, he doubted he was against it. Now he was clearly ruminating on something, but he couldn't get if it was a complaint or if he agreed with him. At some point, he just saw him get up, going out of the bathtub, not before lightly hitting his knee with a hand.

“Come on, Haru, let's go make dinner.”

Make dinner. Just as if nothing happened, just as if they weren't drowning in pleasure, almost out of breath, in each other’s hands, on each other’s naked bodies just a few minutes ago. But that was how it always worked: jerking off together and then going back to whatever they were about to do before it. It really was nothing more than that.

But the more they did it, the more the embarrassment was going away, the more often _all_ their clothes were prone to be gone, something that never used to happen, the first times. Being mostly dressed felt somehow more innocent, safer, less… misleading, maybe, while now…

Watching Rin’s back disappear behind the door, Haru sighed, resigned, going out of the tub. The more they did it, the more he was worried they could get closer to lines it was really better not to cross. Sometimes such a thought made no sense to him and he could shake it off as soon as one of them started to undress the other. Some other times, instead, he was really worried about their behavior. That wasn't something friends were supposed to do and he was as addicted as he was scared of the way his mind went blank every time he was about to reach the climax. Apparently, Rin didn't share his opinion.

***

“Heeeeey, Rin-chan!! We’re here!!”

The blond and loud source of that high-pitched voice waved a hand from the entrance of a konbini on their way to the pool.

“Oh, Nagisa!” Rin said, waving back at him and walking there, followed by Haru. “The others are…?”

“Buying something to drink,” the boy replied, pointing at the colorful shelves in the store behind him.

“Ah, good. I need a bottle of water too.” And with a smile the redhead went in, looking for their friends.

Haru observed him till he vanished behind some umbrellas on sale and lightly sighed, lazily taking a look at the sunny road on his left. It was Sunday again and Sundays had been the get-together days for quite a while, by now. He, Rin, Makoto and Sousuke graduated some time ago and they took different paths. While he and Rin decided to go on swimming and entered in the same college and team, Makoto managed to get into a good university in Tottori, just like them, and Sousuke decided to take a break from his school career, finding a job in that same city and moving there. All the others continued their activities in their high school swimming club and that was a good excuse to meet at least once a week to train together.

“Ah! Haru!”

Hearing Makoto’s voice, Haru turned towards his friend coming out of the mini market with Rei and Rin.

“We were about to call you,” the green eyed said.

“Sorry,” Haru replied. “That idiot left his wallet at my place and we had to get back.” Saying that, he tilted his head towards Rin, who glared at him, irritated.

“Rin-chan stayed over again?” Nagisa frowned, blowing his cheeks. “It’s not fair. I wanna come too!”

Rin smiled a bit nervously, opening his mouth to reply, but Haru talked before him.

“Next time I’ll call you too, ok?”

Their friend immediately cheered up, nodding, and everyone laughed of that. At least everyone except for Rin. Haru crossed eyes with him and his annoyed expression as Makoto decided it was time to head to the Iwatobi Swim Club, and he scoffed at him, amused, making the redhead protest in a louder way. He knew Rin was jealous of the time they spent together. A year or more almost always in his company never failed to remind him how stubborn and possessive Rin could get.

However, his friend also knew he couldn't be the only one visiting him, so often, moreover. Of all their friends, Makoto was probably the only one knowing how much time Rin actually used to spend at his place. It wasn't too strange, anyway, not even for his mind-reading best friend. Since they were the only ones who kept swimming, they were also the ones spending the most time together from a professional point of view. Aside from casual meetings once in a while, Rin often stayed over after trainings, in fact.

On rare occasions, he went to Rin’s place as well, but only to have lunch or dinner on a free weekend and just a few times to sleep over too. Rin was still living with his family, while his house was empty, as usual, so meeting there was more comfortable. Regardless of their latest hobby.

“Rin-senpai, any news about Australia?” Rei got free of his shirt, folding it on the locker room bench and turning towards his friend, who was already adjusting his swimsuit on his thighs.

Rin blinked, a bit surprised, then he gave him an uneasy smile. “Ah… that has to wait some more. Maybe in a few months I’ll be able to consider it.”

“I’m sorry. Still short on money?”

“Yep.”

“You can do it, Rin-chan!” Nagisa declared, clenching his fists with a determined look.

The redhead laughed, messing his hair up. “Of course, Nagisa!”

Haru took a quick look at him, shoving his bag under the bench. Australia. Rin was supposed to move there right after graduation, but shortly before the end of the school year, the company where his mom was working went bankrupt, she lost her job and he couldn’t bring himself neither to ask her for some financial help to live in Sydney if needed nor to leave her alone in such a trouble. That was why he was still stuck in Japan, living with his family, going to the nearest college that scouted him – a good one, anyway – and working part time to save as much money as he could.

All that hit him quite hard, but he luckily managed to set his projects into motion anyway. Before graduation, he was really down and worried, even if he tried not to show it too much. It was around that period that they started with their… intimate activities. Probably the apotheosis of Rin needing someone to stay close to him.

Sighing, Haru grabbed his cap and goggles and he headed towards the pool, ignoring Rin complaining because he didn’t wait for them. Taking care of him was tiring. Rin was sometimes telling him the same thing, though. Luckily, the weekend was almost over and that meant his friend had to go home early to get ready for work and school. He never disliked having him around, but since they were spending at least half a week together, sometimes he needed a little pause to remember how peaceful his life was without such a hurricane around. With Rin, relax was almost a utopia. There was always something to do.

Like starting to think what to prepare for dinner after seeing him bow and join his hands in front of his face while asking him if he could stay over another night.

Haru stared at him with an incredulous look in his eyes. He saw him talk to someone on the phone right before going out of the swim club, but he didn’t worry about it till the moment his friend hung up and turned with an uncomfortable expression towards him.

“My colleague fell ill and I have to run an errand in his place and the company I have to go to is nearer to your house and I’d have to wake up at crazy hours to get there in time,” was his fast and messy explanation.

Yeah. The company. For a moment, he was tempted to tell him to go home and wake up at dawn, but in the end he sighed, resigned, allowing him to stay and receiving an enthusiastic pile of “thank you” in return. Rin definitely sensed his irritation, after all.

“Poor Nagisa. You made him angry again,” Makoto chuckled, reaching the stairs going up to his and Haru’s place.

Rin laughed, his hands in his pockets. “Blame the school. They have a test, tomorrow.”

“Me too,” the green-eyed complained, receiving an amused pat on his back from Rin.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” Haru asked, once their paths split.

Makoto shrugged, a bit dispirited. “As I said, I have to study.”

“Ok. See you tomorrow, then.”

“Mh!”

“And don’t pull an all-nighter!” Rin added, smiling.

Makoto laughed. “Don’t worry! Have a good evening!”

“You too!”

Greeting Makoto one last time, Haru climbed the stairs leading home. Rin, behind him, was humming a random tune. He was in a good mood, apparently. That was a bit frustrating. He failed to invite Makoto and Rin’s happiness was by all means linked to that. The two of them at home alone again for the second night in a row. To Rin, it probably meant only one thing. If only his parents were here. If only he didn’t start thinking about how and why what they were doing was wrong! Everything was fine, when he wasn’t worried about it, but lately he was a bit obsessed. Sometimes he tried to speak to Rin, as he did the night before, but he never really concluded anything. He didn’t have enough valid motivations.

He sarcastically laughed at himself at the thought: as if they needed _more_ valid motivations to stop. Why did he start thinking about it? Meaning… _seriously_ thinking. Maybe it was stupid, but… he started thinking about it when he realized he liked that too much. It was a feeling he couldn’t explain. Being so close to Rin, in such a private and… exclusive way, was making him get uneasy. Telling such a thing to Rin could only bring up troubles, so he limited himself to say he simply wanted to stop. Rin was the type to ask questions, when he sensed something was off, so he wasn’t exactly sure he wanted Rin to notice his discomfort.

“Why did you ask Makoto to stay over?”

Great. He _did_ noticed by himself, apparently.

Haru sighed, going on cooking dinner. That was going to be a pain. “Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like you are the only one who can stay.”

“UH?!” The redhead, who was sat at the table behind him, immediately jumped, vaguely blushing and turning away. “I didn’t mean it that way,” he muttered, in a low voice.

“Then like what?” Haru calmly but provokingly asked.

Rin glared at him and avoided replying. Then he relaxed, putting his hands on the floor and staring at his legs crossed on the tatami for a few seconds. “You are acting weird, anyway, lately.”

“Weird?”

“Kinda.”

Haru stopped chopping vegetables for a moment. As he thought: a pain.

“I’m not acting weird,” he stated, going on with his work.

“As you wish.”

Some seconds of silence left them with just the sound of a blade hitting the wood and a pot bubbling happy on the stove. The air was a bit tense, as if both of them wanted to say something but didn’t. At least they were acting equally weird, now.

“I just… have the feeling you are taking the distances, sometimes,” Rin decided to say, in the end.

Haru frowned, glad that his friend couldn’t see his face. Rin wasn’t Makoto, but during the last year or so they spent so much time together that he learned to read him well enough. The times he was right about him were more and more. He could only try to convince him he was wrong.

“You really are an idiot. That’s dumb,” he simply said.

“Haha! Yeah, might be,” was his not enough convinced reply.

Haru sighed, turning towards his indefinable smile. “If you have time to think about such stupid stuff, use it to come here and help me.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Rin grunted, getting up and joining him in the kitchen.

That was uncomfortable. Rin realizing things was uncomfortable. Not that he was really taking the distances. Rather, he… That was hard to explain. He didn’t even know how to explain it to himself. One day, he just started thinking a bit more carefully about what he and Rin were doing and he suddenly found flaws everywhere. Not that he wasn’t aware already of the fact that such a… hobby was really unusual, but… Some more alarms simply started ringing in his head.

Rin had always been really possessive towards him. All his “swim for me” stuff, relays, rivalry… Because of him being like that, they were stuck together in some serious way, now. Thinking about it was worrying, sometimes. If such a strong bond were to receive a trauma, if something changed in their relationship, for both or for one of them, what would become of them? That was probably just stupid paranoia, but he wasn’t able to stop thinking. That pastime of theirs was like a clockwork bomb.

“No,” he said, determined, as soon as Rin put a knee on his bed.

“Why not?” was Rin’s annoyed reply.

“We did it yesterday.”

“So?”

Haru put a hand on his chest, trying to push him away. “We shouldn’t-”

“We are celebrating the fact that I’m staying here on a Sunday,” Rin maliciously grinned, taking his arm and moving it, managing to get on the mattress and coming closer.

Haru observed his awaiting and sly smile for a moment. What was he saying about being stuck with that guy? Giving up, he sighed resigned. “Idiot,” he grumbled, leaning forward to grab his friend’s shirt and pull it up.

Rin smiled, evidently relieved, then he held out a hand towards Haru’s trousers, but their owner grabbed his wrist, giving him an irritated look.

“Oi, take it slow. I’m tired.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

That said, Rin started unlacing his joggers with a more measured pace. Haru watched his hands in silence. He was so used to see those hands fumble with his clothes. It was true Rin was always on the move, but when they were together like that, being with him was calming.

After being done with the laces, Rin touched him, lightly, through his clothes. That made Haru flinch a little bit, but he just observed in silence what his friend was doing between his spread legs. His fingers were gently grabbing him, running along his genitals still trapped behind his boxers and pants, pushing a bit upwards. He repeated a similar kneading movement another couple of times, then he started to massage him in a more consistent way.

Haru raised his head: Rin looked as focused as he looked hungry for more, his mouth slightly open betraying the already mounting desire and the consequent need for more air. That sight turned him on a little more. He couldn’t help it. Rin staring at him like that was a far better turn-on than his touch alone. He felt the blood starting to pulse in his lower abdomen, not enough to make him fully hard, but enough to let Rin decide it was time to take off another piece of clothes. Haru lifted his hips a bit, so that Rin could easily remove his trousers. He wanted to tell him to undress too, but his hand groping him again made him choke on his words.

Brushing his fingers on Haru, still through his boxers, Rin kept observing, interested in his partner’s reactions. He slid closer, leaning his forehead on Haru’s shoulder, closing his eyes as soon as Haru started to breathe a little faster. Haru stayed put for a while, fists clenched on the mattress while he was trying to simply enjoy Rin stroking him, without making a sound.

It was starting to feel pretty good. Rin was merely caressing him, but he knew where to touch or how and right now he was teasing a spot he liked quite much. Staying calm and avoiding asking for more was always difficult. He had to distract himself and he decided to do so by sliding his hand in Rin’s underwear, starting to fondle him as well. Usual routine.

Rin was still working on him through his boxers, but that was almost more exciting than complete nudity. When he reached that nice spot again, Haru couldn’t avoid letting out a little closed-mouthed sound, startling. His friend apparently liked it, because, under the more vivid skin-to-skin touch he was applying to him, Haru felt Rin growing harder in his hand in a second and he suddenly was no less than him.

They were now sitting between each other’s legs, lightly panting. Their bodies were rapidly heating up and their breath was interrupted by short moments of stillness, whenever one of them couldn’t resist the urge to twitch under the other’s touch. Another light moan on Haru’s part and Rin’s hand was inside his underwear too, turning his light caresses in sharper up and down strokes.

That change of pace made Haru shiver. He opened his mouth, breathing out, then in, with a gasp. Shutting his eyes, he held Rin close with his free arm, increasing the speed of his movements too. He needed more. Rin was right when he said that doing such a thing with some company was better. Not because they were together, but rather because they were unconsciously treating the other as they would treat themselves.

There was a desperate search for pleasure and satisfaction on both parts and while looking for more, while increasing the speed or changing the intensity of each stroke the same way they would have done if alone, they were consequently bringing the other to do exactly the same, in an endless escalation towards the climax. They knew that the more they could bring the other to pure bliss, the more they received in return. Reaching such a high level of satisfaction by pleasuring themselves alone was totally impossible, no matter how much they could think about each other while doing so.

Because yeah, embarrassing as it may have sounded, they ended up talking even about something like that. Was there an end to how weird that relationship could get?

Chasing away that thought, Haru gave a stronger tug to Rin, making him flinch. He wasn't sure he wanted his brain to know the answer, so he had to distract it. Hearing Rin’s voice calling him, he circled his shoulders with his free arm, giving also a little thrust into his hand, with an imperceptible lament. The urge to get off was raising. He wished he could let go of Rin and just selfishly satisfy himself in his friend’s hands, but they had to get there together.

Rin, however, probably read his thoughts, because, with just a suffocated moan as a warning, he pushed him against the wall, making Haru let go of him. Pushing forward, he grabbed both their lengths, balancing on his knees and on Haru’s shoulder, where he rested his forehead again. He was already out of breath just because of that rush of excitement.

To help him recollect himself enough to go on, Haru had to place his hands on Rin’s, holding tight. No matter how much he readied himself for it, though, when Rin gave the first thrust, he tilted his head back, arching his body towards the source of such a pleasure and gritting his teeth. That was good. Good beyond words.

Rin moved again, awkwardly, too blinded by pleasure, yet not enough filled with it to build up a stable rhythm. Haru buried his face into his neck as to tell him to regain control, but he himself was already incapable of reasoning and his friend’s suffocated groans as he moved against him weren’t helping. He wanted more and if Rin wasn’t going to hurry, then he would have done so himself.

Placing his feet firmly on the mattress, he tried to find a nice angle to move even if Rin was kneeled between his legs and when he seemed to find it, he lifted his hips enough to be able to thrust into Rin’s tightly laced fingers, trying to guide him towards more steady and comfortable movements. Seeing him in such a struggle, in fact, Rin lowered his centre, moving faster and more regularly. They silently managed to synchronize and build a constant rhythm and, once they did, the clasp around their erections grew stronger.

Rin’s position allowed him to suppress his voice by sticking his mouth to Haru’s shoulder. Haru wasn’t equally favored. Since he was blocked against the wall and Rin was moving so much, he couldn’t use his shirt as a silencer without risking a shoulder hit on his nose and teeth. He always wanted to avoid being in any way noisy while doing all this, but sometimes he could not care enough. Keeping his eyes shut and his mouth open, he was letting out suffocated moans almost every time he breathed out.

He never liked giving Rin the satisfaction to know how much he was enjoying himself, be it his turn to stay on top or not, but after a while there wasn’t much left to do. He was in ecstasy, tired from the bad position he was in but determined to keep moving just to reach his final prize. Pretty much like swimming.

He wasn’t sure the comparison was right, since it wasn’t like he and Rin were fighting for who would come first. Well… _not always_. Anyway, being in Rin’s hands, entrusting his pleasure to him with Rin letting him do the same was just as beautiful and free as staying in the water. A pity they weren’t in the bathtub, right now.

Another more powerful thrust from Rin made Haru’s whole body shiver. He was close. He was so close. Rin was too, judging by the way he was losing his focus. Not that he cared about focus. By now, anything was fine. He just terribly wanted to come.

Cursing the position he was in, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore and he entrusted Rin with the task to hold them, clinging to his shoulders and grabbing his shirt to avoid scratching his back, finally burying his face in the cloth. Holding Rin like that, it was easier for him to push up using his partner’s body to lift himself, so he managed to catch up with Rin’s rhythm till moving in synch with him again. When he did that, Rin started thrusting faster, squeezing his eyes and breathing more heavily, lamenting because of the rush and the extreme need to reach the finish line.

That was it. That was what always made worth taking things slow at the beginning. Their minds were going blank together. Their blood was boiling. Their gasping breath was a mess. They were almost there, wanting to finish and also not wanting to let such a great sensation end.

Stiffening his legs, Haru tried to follow Rin’s movements the best he could. His lower body was begging him to let it do what had to be done. He had to resist. He wanted to enjoy it some more. Once that was over, he would have had to let go of Rin. He didn’t want to let go of him.

Why?

Why was he thinking such a thing, all of a sudden? Why was he enjoying a stupid hug? Why didn’t he want to let Rin go? He shut his brain up before it could look for an answer, feeling irritation pervading his whole being, and suddenly the will to end all that was stronger than anything else. He was throbbing in Rin’s hands. His fast heartbeat was resonating in his head. He was at his limit.

“Gh… Ri-”

He swallowed his own voice before saying that name and he gave a few more desperate thrusts upwards, dragging Rin down. Holding his breath, he trapped Rin between his legs with a strangled sound and he held him in a tight, stiff hug, as he finally came into his hands. Rin followed a second later, calling his name in a frantic attempt not to hug him too, since he needed his hands to avoid spilling all over their clothes. They remained rigidly clung to each other, against the wall, till they were sure they ran dry for good, then they gave a deep relieving sigh, eventually slumping one over the other.

“Wow…” was the only thing Rin managed to say.

That was already too much effort for Haru, who just silently shared his opinion, while panting heavily.

“Oi… I… uff… think I need a hand, here…” Rin mumbled, clearly referring to the position he was in, and Haru managed to reach for the tissue box at the end of the bed despite his member being still trapped in Rin’s catch.

“Take these,” he said, putting two or three tissues around Rin’s hands, that were starting to drip, allowing him to let go. While Rin was taking care of his own fingers, he gave a quick clean to their lower halves, but after being done with his hands, Rin looked down too, raising an eyebrow.

“Bath?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Haru replied, making him move to stand up.

Once in the bathroom, they quickly got rid of their remaining clothes, scrubbing a bit before getting into the tub.

“Don’t try anything while we're here,” Haru warned, since it was Rin’s turn to wash his back and he was always willing to _play_ some more, when he was in a good mood. “If you do, I'll punch you.”

As an answer, Rin maliciously grinned. “Now I want to try just to see if you'd punch me for real.”

Haru turned, starting to bluntly put shampoo on his hair just to stop him. “Shut up. You are the one who has to get up early, so hurry up and go to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah, I was joking, jeez,” Rin pouted, crossing his legs and letting Haru wash him.

Making him get angry or scold him was the best way to make him stop. Dealing with Rin was like dealing with a disobedient puppy. Only telling him to sit and stay put worked and not always. Haru was a bit sorry, whenever he had to stop him, but he didn’t want the situation to slip through their hands. Almost literally, he could say.

At first, he was happy they could find another way to be so close to each other even outside of the pool and he gladly accepted to get undressed and have fun any time Rin or he himself wanted to. However, when the times they did it started to increase, he gradually realized how much they were overdoing it. Yet, refusing made him feel even worse and so he very rarely prevented Rin from throwing away his clothes.

Not only Rin was to blame, though. Not at all. After all, what he needed was just a good excuse and, when Rin egged him on the first times, he more than willingly took advantage of the situation to do whatever he wanted to do with and to him. If Rin wasn’t the one starting things first, he did. No one ever forced him to do anything. Blaming someone else really was pure hypocrisy.

That was why he started wondering why they were even doing such a thing and that simple question changed everything. To now, he couldn’t find any valid reason. Or he didn’t want to. Being with Rin like that was softening him. Being with Rin like that was making his heart act weird. Being so close to him was dangerous. He was slowly losing control of… of what? He couldn’t get why Rin was able to make him feel in such a way. A beautiful way, indeed. Painfully beautiful. The only thing he was sure of was that it was hard, really hard, to get rid of such a fulfilling time killer.

***

“Haru, you forgot these in the locker room!”

Makoto was running after him with his goggles in his hand. The way he looked at him meant that him leaving his precious goggles behind was a really unusual event. He had to agree.

“Thanks,” he murmured, putting them back in his bag. He could feel his best friend’s perplexed and curious eyes on him, asking him if something was wrong. Even without words, he could understand that much.

“Oi, Haru!”

Here he was, the source of his worries. He could feel his own eyebrows twitching with irritation and he really hoped Makoto couldn’t see that. Having to explain why Rin was irritating would have been even more troublesome than a forgotten pair of goggles. To make things worse, Rin decided to nonchalantly throw an arm around his shoulders, as usual.

“I got a message from the team. Trainings are starting earlier, tomorrow morning.”

“Got it,” he plainly replied, staring at the ground while walking.

Now both his friends were staring at him, willing to say something about his grumpy face. Since no one talked, anyway, he suddenly stopped, glaring at the both of them. “Am I not allowed to think, once in a while? Stop staring. I’m okay.”

Rin and Makoto flinched surprised, mumbling some confused “Okay…” and letting him be.

Sighing, he started walking again. “Let’s go. We have to make dinner and go to bed early, so hurry up.”

He saw his friends sharing a dubious look, but he ignored them and they just followed him with a smile, starting to chat. For once, Rin wasn’t the only one staying over.

The morning after, the three of them left together, parting ways only after a couple of stations. They were really busy, lately, with the races needed to qualify for the national team selections. He and Rin were both probably going to pass, but he always preferred not being sure about anything before the right time. And Rin always told him that would bring bad luck.

“Are you ready, Haru?” Rin’s determined smile came with an encouraging pat on his shoulder.

He looked away when the redhead leaned his arm on him. “Are you?”

“You can bet I am!” was the eager reply. “The first and the second place must be ours. If we do that, the next step is the selections for sure.” Rin smiled, tightening his catch around his neck. “Promise me we’ll go home with a gold and a silver medal, today. Preferably, the golden one to me,” he giggled.

Haru watched his childish grin. When it came to swimming, he was still the same as he was when he was twelve. “Yeah, don’t worry,” he sighed, moving his arms.

“Ugh, but it’s a pity our lanes aren’t close, this time. It sucks.”

 “Focus on winning, or I’ll take your golden medal.”

“That’s not going to happen!”

“We’ll see. Go to your lane, idiot.”

“You too, jerk.”

And with such lovely greetings, they took place in front of the respective diving boards, waiting for the race to begin.

They were almost on the opposite sides of the pool. Haru leaned forward to see where Rin was exactly, just to see him notice it and grin in his direction, waving his hand. Pouting, he turned towards the water. Why did he always had to be such an idiot? He placed a hand on his chest, where his heart just made a weird flip. He had to calm down and focus, or Rin was seriously going to kill him, this time.

Thinking about it better, however… that was none of his business. Rin only had to win his own race and he could go to the selections. Why did he have to follow him? Was he supposed to? Why? Why did he have to do anything Rin decided to do? Was it a rule? He was not forced to. Winning that race was none of his business. He just wanted to keep swimming, no matter if he was on the top of the world or on the bottom of his bathtub. Why was he even getting angry, now?!

He jumped in the water after the start signal. It was something so automatic, by now, that he did it on instinct. He never swam so much in his whole life. For all the last year, almost everything he did was swimming. He liked that. Whenever he wasn’t swimming, he was at home, probably with Rin, probably doing something he didn’t want to think about right now.

What did he have to do to stop thinking? Why couldn’t his mind find peace? Why was Rin everything he was thinking about lately? Why was he messing with their relationship so much? Why was Rin unable to see that? Why was he doing anything Rin asked? Why wasn’t he able to oppose? Why did he want them to stop? He was so tired of all that. His mind was going crazy. Everything was going crazy or maybe it already was.

Where were those innocent, distant days when he met Rin for the first time? He wanted those days back. He wanted his idiotic smile and talks about romantic stuff. He wanted… something he already had. But they were not children anymore and what back then was maybe a game, a silly chat or a race in the pool, today it turned into something more twisted, more suitable to their adult life. He could see nothing adult in that, though. It was just another game. Another stupid game Rin invented to torment him. It surely was that way. There wasn’t another stupid or deep meaning to the way he was feeling. It was just Rin’s fault. Only his. His and his stupid, enormous ego’s!!

His eyes suddenly saw the light, as he hit the wall in front of him with a hand, resurfacing. For a moment, he couldn’t even understand where he was. He was so lost in his thoughts that he even forgot he was swimming. Heavily panting he tried to recollect a bit of self-consciousness. What happened? Everyone was screaming and clapping their hands and… The race? How did it go?

He looked around, at the other athletes by now resting next to the pool edge like him. Feeling panic raising as he realized just how much he completely lost his focus on the race, he prepared himself for the worst. How did Rin’s race go? How did his own race go?! He had no clue, but since he even forgot he was racing for victory, the outcome couldn’t be good. What was Rin going to tell him? How could he react, knowing he got distracted while swimming the race that could have given them a chance to enter in the national team?

Still lost in those fears, he heard something that sounded like his name being shouted somewhere not so distant from him.

“Haru! Oi, Haru!!”

He looked up. It was Rin. A seemingly furious Rin that just ran to him with his cap and goggles in his hand.

“Haru, are you crazy?!!”

That was it. He did it. He betrayed his promise just because he was thinking about some stupid--

“What was that?! Jeez, I can’t even… When did you learn to swim that fast?!!”

He was ready to say sorry, but what Rin just said made him choke on his words. Blinking, he saw his agitated face opening into a big grin.

“We did it!” his friend exclaimed, holding out a hand to him.

Haru took it, finally going out of the water. Only in that moment, he found the strength to check the result of that weird race and as he saw his own name at the top of the chart, he widened his eyes. Rin was on the line below his.

“How did you do that?!” Rin asked, circling his shoulders into a joyful hug.

He had no clue, but telling Rin he wasn’t focused on the race at all was a mistake even if he won, so he just smiled to him, putting a hand behind his back and following him towards their team.

***

“Oi, Haru, wait for me!”

“What? Are you still following me?”

“I told you I was coming to your place.”

“… when?”

“Right before jumping into the train. Were you sleeping already?”

“No, I was just distracted.”

“Oi, if that’s a problem, I can still go back. Are your parents at home or something?”

“No, they are not.”

“Good.”

There was something that sounded like relief, in that word, and he liked none of that. For a moment, he regretted telling Rin his parents were absent, but he was going to find out anyway. Lying to him that way wasn’t a nice idea, though he was more worried by the fact he actually thought about lying.

“Can I spend the night? I’m too tired to go home.”

“Do what you want.” He tried to stay calm, while answering, but some irritation made its way out of his mouth. He could feel it in his muscles, in his voice. Rin apparently didn’t pay attention. He really was too tired.

Haru glanced at him, before entering the kitchen: his head on the table in his living room, Rin looked like he could fall asleep at any moment. He couldn’t see his face, since he was giving him his back, but it was better that way. He could wear the weird emotions his heart was letting out without worrying that Rin might see them.

His head was still full of all the thoughts going back and forth in his head as he was racing in a pool some hours earlier. He hadn’t gotten rid of that yet. He hoped he could feel better, with the happiness for the victory and so on, but everything was still Rin’s fault as before. He believed in that and at the same time he didn’t believe it at all. How could he blame Rin? And for what, exactly?

“Oi, Haru, are you ok?”

His friend’s voice next to him made him startle. There was a green onion, still in one piece, in front of him, and a knife in his hand, ready to cut it. How much time passed, since the moment he took them? Surely enough to make Rin notice he was intensely staring at a vegetable.

“You are weird, lately.”

“Mind your own business.”

“Well, sorry if I’m worried!!” Rin blurted, offended, blushing a bit. Then he looked down, at the counter. “Even during the race. Your mind wasn’t exactly there, right?”

“Am I not allowed to think?” Haru coldly replied, going on cutting the onion.

“Not during such an important race!”

“We won. Why do you care?”

“Because you were just lucky!”

“It’s not the end of the world, if I lose.”

“It is! I refuse to join the national team without you!”

“You’re-”

“So stay focused!!”

Haru looked into those severe reddish eyes. He knew Rin really meant everything he just said. But what could he do? Being in his company felt strange and he had no clue about how to change that fact.

“If…” Rin began, unsure, looking away a bit embarrassed. “If… you need to talk, I can… help.”

Haru clenched his fist around the knife. Why? “It’s nothing,” he replied, leaving everything on the counter. “Cut this. I’m grilling the fish.”

“Oi…”

Rin was still looking at him with a raised eyebrow and slight worry. If only he could have told him that what was on his mind in that moment was exactly him.

He tried to be more talkative, during dinner, but he found himself spacing out more than once. And there was no way Rin wouldn’t see that. The fact he volunteered to wash the dishes was somehow a proof, since he basically pushed him out of the kitchen ordering him to take a bath. He obeyed without objections. Spending some relaxing time in the hot water helped, after all. Sighing deeply while leaning his head to the tub, he could feel his nerves calming down. Maybe he was simply more tired that he thought.

“The next week, our coach should tell us if we made it to the selections or not. I am positive about it!”

“Whatever.”

“Oi, try to be more enthusiast, I said!”

Haru watched Rin’s annoyed expression. After taking a bath as well, he joined him, sitting on his bed, and started talking non-stop. Such a nuisance. And he knew where all that talking was going to end.

Trying to shake off that thought, he leaned to the wall behind him, sighing. “Go to bed. You were tired, right?”

“Now I’m perfectly awake. I just needed food.”

_Yeah, right…_

“Well, I am tired, so I think I’ll-”

Rin suddenly launched himself on him, hugging his waist.

“O-oi-” was everything he could say, staring at Rin now buried in his T-shirt, while his own face seemed to become a little bit warmer.

“Can we do it, before going to bed?” Rin’s muffled voice said.

Haru felt the atmosphere chilling down immediately. He was expecting it.

“I don’t feel like it,” he replied, looking elsewhere, just in case his friend decided to look up in that moment.

In fact he did.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t feel like it.”

“I need to relax.”

“Then sleep.”

“You need to relax too.”

“Shut up and let me go.”

Rin was still clinging to his body, reluctant, pouting at him. What did he have to do? He stared back at him, hoping to be the winner of that game of glares, but Rin was determined not to lose as well.

“Come on,” he snorted, letting him go and trying to push him down.

“I said no!” Haru grabbed his arm, managing to resist.

“Just once! We haven’t done it yesterday and not even the day before!”

“What do I care?”

“Haruuuuu…”

Here he was, changing tactics. He was so bothersome. Sighing, he stared at his puppy eyes. Did he have to give up? He wasn’t feeling like it. Rin probably sensed his uncertainty, because he grinned and pushed him down without any further warning.

“Oi, Rin, I said-”

“I know what you said,” was the challenging reply. “Just once. It won’t hurt, for once. You can sleep more tomorrow morning,”

Haru watched him, conflicted. He was right… was him? What to do? What was he supposed to do? Why did he feel that uncertain? It wasn’t the first time and not even the last. There was nothing to fear. Yet, his heart was running at an incredible speed. What did he have to do?

Rin was still waiting for a reply, on top of him, his flocks of hair dancing at each breath, his eyebrows silently scolding him. He knew Rin meant it, when he said they had to relax. Was it such a bad idea?

He took some more time to decide, then he suddenly made Rin roll over, pushing him down and sitting on him.

“I’m doing it,” he said, determined.

Rin blinked surprised and confused, then he lifted on his elbows. “O-ok…” he mumbled, vaguely relieved for the fact he accepted.

Haru stared at him, in silence, without moving. Rin was waiting. Waiting for him to take off his shirt, waiting for him to let him do the same, to push him down as he started touching and teasing him to bring him to hardness, waiting for his turn, waiting for the moment one would take the lead and hold them into their hands, to start moving, to cause them pleasure, to make them see stars, to make them drown in that exciting heat, till the moment everything would fade out in the awaited climax. There was no way he didn’t want all that. There was no way he could throw away such a beautiful chance to stay with Rin. There was no way.

Clenching both his teeth and the hand still resting on Rin’s chest, he pushed him down on the mattress, but then he rolled to his side and curled up, facing the wall. He couldn’t do it, though he wanted to. Only an idiot would throw away such a chance. But he was idiot enough, apparently.

“O-oi, Haru…” Rin mumbled, perplexed, lifting up to look at him.

“I changed my mind,” Haru blurted, hoping that was enough.

“What do you mean you changed your… Haru! Oi!”

He ignored his friend, now shaking him to get an explanation. He was just as confused as him, but he wasn’t able to explain what he was feeling, so he just stayed silent, hoping for Rin to surrender soon. Rin eventually did, but stayed on his bed, turning off the lights and covering them both under the blankets.

Haru didn’t know how long he stayed there, watching the light wall next to him. He was tired, but he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. Only when he heard light snoring sounds coming from behind him, he turned, careful not to wake Rin up, and he stared at him, in silence. He was so calm, now. It was rare to see him so calm, when he was awake. Watching him sleep was… peaceful.

That thought caused his heart to make a weird jump. Everything he wanted now was just sleeping next to him. Just once. Falling asleep next to him instead of doing something more erotic first. Strangely it felt even more deviated than the usual option.

He was wishing to… be closer to him, in a way he couldn't properly define. He happened to feel that way, sometimes, while they were lying naked one next to the other, but right now he wasn't even turned on in any way. He was… disturbed. Disturbed by the fact Rin was so close to him and he couldn't exactly touch him for no reason. Why were his hands yearning for his cheeks, his hair, any other part of his body, just to caress him, to be by his side? Why was Rin making his heart beat so fast? He felt his cheeks warming up again. Why was he even staring at him like that?

With a weird mumble, Rin suddenly moved, making him startle, but he didn’t wake up, simply changing position a bit, still facing him while sleeping. His heart drumming in his ears, Haru watched his red hair nonchalantly sliding down his face. He was surprised, almost shocked by his own desires. He knew he wasn’t supposed to touch him. Not the way he wanted to. But he could at least rest there, beside him, protected by the night and its dreams.

Just once.

Looking at Rin one last time, he closed his eyes and he curled up against his body, next to his calm breath.

It was a cold night, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

“National team?”

Sousuke blinked stupefied and Rin nodded while munching his udon, sat between him and Makoto at the counter in a small fast food restaurant.

“Yep, we are taking part to the selections in April,” he said, drinking some soup. “I hope we get a good result this year.”

“Yeah, let’s hope so,” Makoto added smiling. “You’d really deserve it, Rin.” Then he turned towards Haru, who was lazily eating beside him. “Of course, you too, Haru-chan.”

“Drop the -chan,” Haru just replied, not diverting his attention from his ramen.

Rin frowned irritated. “Is that all you have to say to someone who’s encouraging you?”

“Shut up.”

“No, you shut up. Mind that, if you don’t take all this seriously, I’ll-”

“Hey, stop your quarrel, you two. I’m trying to eat here,” Sousuke grumbled, interrupting his friends.

Makoto laughed. “Sorry, Sousuke. Haru got out of the wrong side of bed, today.”

“You can say that,” Rin affirmed, going on eating.

Haru ignored the both of them, silently staring at his bowl before emptying it. That day, they decided to pay a visit to Sousuke and they followed Makoto to Tottori, since he had to go there because of school. He and Rin received the news they got to participate to the next national team selections, so Rin was now telling that basically to anyone. They worked hard and had good results. Succeeding was truly an earned reward. He didn’t care that much about it, or at least he wasn’t taking it as seriously as Rin was, but he couldn’t dare to tell him such a thing and he was ok with just following him, to keep him motivated enough.

To tell the truth, he was happy to have such a role in his life. His friend really deserved to get into that team, to achieve the goal of his life, more than anyone else. He was working really hard, generally speaking, and he was willing to help him in any way on that path. The more they got closer to the national team, the more he was realizing it. Maybe that was why he woke up in such a bad mood, that day. Such strange feelings of attachment were really pissing him off and he was thinking about all that far too often, lately.

The deep sigh he gave out distracted Makoto from his food. “What’s up, Haru?”

“Nothing. I’m sleepy and I need to catch some fresh air.”

That said, he stood up, paying for his lunch, going out and stretching his arms, conscious of his friends still staring at him perplexed. Maybe it really was just a bit of stress piling up. Maybe he was just pretending he wasn’t anxious about the selections. Maybe… Maybe it could have been a lot of things. Was there a switch somewhere to turn off his brain?

He heard the door open behind him. He was about to turn, but he found out there was no need to when he saw an arm dropping on his right shoulder and some flocks of red hair on his left. When he went out, Rin was the one with the most food in his bowl, so there were two options: either he just ran after him because he noticed his bad mood and wanted to cheer him up or he simply remembered he was hungry and finished his ramen in a second, paying and going out afterwards. He preferred the latest. Easier for his heart.

“Oi, Haru, stop looking so dead inside. You are making Sousuke worry.”

That funny statement almost made him actually laugh, for a moment, but perfectly understanding that the worried one was, as he thought, _not_ their tall friend helped him to stick to his bad mood.

“The heck I am,” Sousuke said, in fact, exiting the restaurant while Rin was talking, messing with Haru’s hair just to bother him, before dragging him away together with Rin.

“He’s already feeling better,” Makoto smiled, amused, seeing his friend’s really irritated face.

As a response, Haru pouted even more, but that was the most comfortable way to let them know Makoto was right. How such a stupid joke could fix his mood was a mystery. So was the warmth radiating from his heart just because of a few words said with good intent by people who cared about him. He was feeling like slapping himself on the face, but explaining the reason would have been far too troublesome, so he discarded that idea, just following his friends to the local pool.

He had no idea of what his life could have been without pools. The water always made everything better. He could listen to her silence, rather than his own noisy heart. He could entrust everything to the only thing that understood him completely. He could forget about incomprehensible feelings, he could focus on the national team, he could train with Rin with no distractions, till the day of the selections. He could tell Rin to set his mind on that and on that only and Rin was going to be, without any doubt. No more sleepovers. Maybe just once or twice. Till that day. Till that day they looked forward to for years.

Because they were ready, this time. They could do it, this time. They were so fast, this time, so much more than they were in high school. He could help Rin get on top of the world, he could follow him there, or just accompany him, because he didn’t care so much about medals and glory. But Rin was going to get angry, so maybe getting some medals as well was a good thing.

If he focused very well, he could see Rin’s dreams as if it was his own. It was fascinating. It had always been. So bright. So shiny. Like that _shining_ Rin was fixated on when he was younger. He never knew what that meant. Rin never made much sense to him, yet he could understand him completely. Another mystery.

He always understood when Rin was in a good mood, when he felt like crying, why he felt like crying, when he was sad, when he was angry, when he was so happy he couldn’t help but laugh in that stupid way, when he was agitated over something, when he was sarcastic, when he was sincere, when he was honest, when he was not.

Each one of those sides of him had a different and mesmerizing color. He liked distinguishing each of them, especially when they coexisted. Rin was weird, whenever there was more than one color. He had to be careful with him, when those colors mixing together were too different, when bright and dark, cold and warm were hard to tell apart. He had to run to him, whenever what looked white and glittering on the surface was black and dull at the bottom.

Like the water.

That light blue friend was dancing all around him, now, during that beautiful spring day in April, unconcerned about her noisy surroundings, unconcerned about the people who kept her company long enough to swim from one edge to the other of the big container she was forced into. Sometimes, he was envious of her impassibility, her eternal calmness. If only she knew how cruel the battles inside and between those people’s hearts could be. Maybe she knew and in that case asking her for the answer was something he would have gladly done. A pity he couldn’t.

Sighing, Haru gave his back to the pool he just went out from. That was the last race. Not exactly the last, but at least the last for him. He gave an high-five both to a teammate and his coach, smiling gratefully, but he didn’t really pay attention to what they were telling him. Probably the usual stuff you say to someone who just lost a race. That was unfortunate. At least three of his adversaries ended up being faster than him. The bitterness wasn’t too much, but he was hoping to find no journalists on his path towards the locker room anyway.

The selections for the national team were an event way more crowded than he expected, talking about TV, scouts and magazines. He hated being among so much people. Even the locker room was going to be cramped. Whatever. There was just one thing he had to do, once there. Something about finding a particular shade of red among all those heads.

Peeping inside the room before crossing the threshold, he noticed only in that moment that his heart was beating at full speed. Some time passed from the last time he saw Rin and he didn’t know what to expect at all. He didn’t even know if he wanted to see him, after what happened that day. Or… if Rin wanted to see him. Were mutual feelings enough to fix something like that?

Stepping in, he spotted his teammate in a few seconds. Trying to relax, he walked towards him as naturally as he could. He was ready for anything. He had enough time to prepare his heart… probably. Or probably not, because what he saw when he reached him was definitely _not_ what he expected to find.

“Oh, Haru!” Rin turned towards him, apparently surprised to find him there. “You are here already?”

“Looks like it,” Haru replied, confused by that reaction, before walking to the locker where his bag was.

Before closing it, he turned to observe Rin, who was talking with another of their teammates with a smile on his face. Definitely unexpected, under many points of view. He surely knew how his race went, because you could hear the results from the locker rooms too. How come he gave no sign of disappointment?

Trying to ignore that fact and act just as obliviously, he threw his towel on the bench, taking his t-shirt. Since none of his teammates managed to pass the selections, all that was left for them was a long way home on a bullet train from Tokyo.

Rin slept for almost all the trip. At least, during the few hours Haru stayed awake, Rin, sat by him, looked like he was sleeping. He could talk to him again only once they arrived in Tottori, late at night, and just the bare minimum needed to greet their team, to choose what train they wanted to take and to decide to have dinner at the respective places.

After another silent, thirty-minutes ride towards Iwatobi in a train full of people about as tired as them, they stepped outside the station, where Rin gave out a noisy yawn.

“I think I’ll go home and sleep forever,” he said, rubbing his eye. “Today was crazy.”

“You can say that.”

“Are we meeting with the others, tomorrow?”

“Mh.”

“Good.”

“Ri-”

“Let’s meet there. I was thinking about going to the pool earlier, so I won’t come pick you up, this time.”

“… ok.”

They calmly walked together till the moment they had to part ways. Once on the crossroad, Rin turned with a little twirl, his hands in his pockets.

“See you tomorrow, then,” he said, with a smile.

Haru watched him, frowning and clenching his fists. His whole behavior was just too strange.

“Are you ok, Rin?”

“What?” the redhead blinked, apparently perplexed.

“You know… You’ve just… lost the most important race of your life.”

The way he said that wasn’t exactly delicate, but he couldn’t bear to see his friend act as if absolutely nothing happened.

Silence suddenly fell onto them another time. Rin’s face was now stupefied, his mouth slightly open, his shoulders a bit raised, finally showing the tension inside his heart. Haru was expecting to see his eyes glisten with tears at any moment, but Rin surprised him once more, relaxing and curving his lips in a smile, a bit sad and disappointed, but still a smile.

“Ah, that…” he sighed, scratching his cheek, uneasy. “Don’t mind it. It’s just a race.”

“What?”

“There’ll be another one the next year. We are still young enough to give it a try for at least another two or three years for sure.”

“Rin…”

Seeing his friend’s worried face, Rin smiled more sweetly, reassuringly. “Don’t worry, Haru. I really am ok with that.” But seeing Haru was still looking at him in the same concerned way, he gave him a malicious grin. “You lost as well, so you are stuck here with me for another year.”

“Oi.”

“Can you deal with it?”

Deciding to have at least a bit of faith in his apparently sincere good mood, Haru finally sighed. “I am forced to.”

Rin giggle satisfied, then he tenderly smiled again. “See you tomorrow, Haru.”

“Mh. Goodnight.”

“Same to you.”

“Be sure to eat something.”

Rin, who already turned, waved his hand at him in reply. Haru did the same, even knowing he couldn’t see him, before walking towards home in the cool night air.

He met Makoto on the steps in front of his place, where he sat waiting for him after he knew he was coming back. Though Makoto knew he hated being questioned about his feelings, he told him he was sorry anyway and Haru thanked him, telling him briefly how that exhausting day went.

Strangely, Makoto asked nothing about Rin, maybe because they were going to meet him the day after or maybe because he suspected Rin could be really down. Was he feeling down? Haru was sure he was. Rin was the most national-team-fixated person he’d ever known. There was no way he could have been as serene as he seemed earlier, after his defeat. Rin’s feelings were almost always black or white, especially on big matters like that. Such a weird gray made no sense. It was impossible that losing the chance of being part of the most important swimming team in the whole Japan could leave him so in peace with his fate.

After having dinner and taking a bath, he sat on his bed, looking at his cell phone. He was so tempted to call him. He needed to know if he was fine or not. However, something was telling him that either Rin wasn’t willing to talk or he was sleeping already.

Giving up, he slumped on his bed, staring at the dark ceiling. He was tired, but he was too nervous to sleep. He was worried. He was extremely worried. Somehow, he was praying for Rin to show up, the day after, because he had doubts even about that.

He spent so much time thinking about him, that night, that the morning after he ended up oversleeping and once he realized how late he was, he rushed to the Iwatobi Swim Club as if his life depended on it. When he arrived, he found a couple texts from Makoto, one where he was asking where he was and the other one telling him they were waiting for him at the pool. In the locker room he found all his friend’s bags, including Rin’s. Sighing relieved, he started changing, with more calm.

Once on the door opening on the pool room, he heard Rin’s voice as he was speaking with Nagisa, then he also saw him, explaining with a funny wise-like behavior that “It isn’t the end of the world and I am not going to surrender for something that stupid!”. He tenderly smiled, observing him. He was sad. He really was sad about having lost. But he reacted well, in the end. He was glad Rin matured enough to be able to take such a disappointment head on. He really was worthy of his admiration.

_Admiration._

Such a thought shook him enough to let him notice that Makoto had already called him at least four times and that all the others were staring at him as well, including the guy _he_ was staring at. Startling, he felt his face warming up and he joined them apologizing for being so late, doing his best to avoid looking at Rin at least for the following ten seconds. His need for sleep was a good excuse even for such a behavior, hopefully.

Some weeks passed, the cherry trees lost all their flowers and spring could begin to turn into summer. Everything slowly went back to how things were before the selections. At least… almost everything.

Trying to guess how Rin felt every day  after that unfortunate event was… interesting. Rather, it was interesting how Rin’s mood could be guessed judging by how frequently he decided to sleep over. That was the explanation Haru found for the really few times they spent satisfying each other in the last period. He somehow expected their sleepovers to increase, as a way to release stress or something, not the contrary. He surely wasn’t complaining about it. Rin’s name was rhyming with total chaos more and more, regardless how much time they spent together or how they spent it.

His worries about his friend’s mood weren’t gone yet. He probably would have stopped worrying only after Rin could get into the national team. Obviously, he never spoke about that with him. Maybe he wanted to, but finding the right time to do so was too difficult. Or he was scared. Of what? He didn’t know exactly. Maybe of the way his face was sometimes warming up or how his heart was jumping whenever Rin did or said something even just vaguely unexpected. Yeah, that was scary.

Despite all that, he was doing his best to stay close to him. Makoto had always been really close to him, always there for him, when they were younger. He had always appreciated that a lot, even if he complained about it. He wanted to try having that same role in Rin’s life. At least, the basic was the same: sticking to him, trying to read his mood, helping him even when he didn’t ask for it, helping him even if he didn’t even want to be helped, being there for him 24h a day. All things considered, he enjoyed being so much with Rin. And Rin didn’t mind, apparently.

“Today I almost lost my job.”

“What?!”

Haru turned stupefied towards Rin, who just said such a thing with way too much nonchalance and his arms crossed behind his head, while they were walking under the warm sun towards his house.

“Yeah, a colleague lost an important pack of data and today I was the one on charge. Proving it wasn’t my fault was difficult.” The redhead gave out a puff of air to move some flocks of hair from his nose. “I almost had a heart attack, I think.”

Haru sighed, relieved. Was Rin developing the bad habit of delivering potentially bad news with such calm and peace of mind? He wasn’t sure it was good for his nerves.

Once at his place, they spent the whole afternoon studying English. He asked Rin to tutor him and so they were occasionally spending some hours talking in English only, whether he was able to understand what Rin was saying or not. Luckily for him, there were no punishments nor rewards. It was exhausting, anyway.

“You have to learn, Haru. One day I’ll take you to Australia with me.”

“Shut up. I’m preparing dinner,” Haru grumbled, getting up after they decided they studied enough for that day. “What do you want to eat?”

“You probably have only mackerel, so there’s no point in you asking.”

“I might have some meat hidden somewhere, but since you don’t seem to want it, I won’t look for it.”

“WHAT?! Tell me where it is. I’ll get it.”

“You won’t get anything. Stay there and wait.”

“Oi.”

Haru smiled by himself. He loved making him get angry. And probably a nice steak was a proper thank you for all those English lessons, for once.

Taking some utensils, he started cooking, perceiving Rin’s presence behind him in the living room. Such calm evenings, at his place, with no one around, the two of them only, were his little piece of heaven after a tiring day. There was no way he could admit it out loud, but that was it. He was guarding him, taking care of him, be it by keeping him company or cooking meat instead of mackerel. The beef he found in the fridge was now sizzling on the grill, letting out a nice smell. He expected Rin to come there and check what he was doing at any moment. It was strange he didn’t already.

Only in that moment, he noticed the silence around him. Way too much silence. Rin and silence were not exactly compatible and lately there was silence too often.

He turned back. Rin was still sat there, by the low table, giving his back to the door opening on the garden. And he was silent, his eyes pointed at the wood under his elbow, his head leaning on his hand and a serious and pensive expression on his face. He didn’t even notice he was watching him. He happened to catch him staring at nothing like that, before, but he never told him anything. He never knew if he was allowed to,  if he could ask what was wrong, risking to make bad thoughts raise to the surface.

Even after more than a month, Rin was still feeling bad. He knew he was under pressure. Even if his mom found another job, he had to help her. Gou was still in high school, she had a little part time job too, but Australia was a bigger thing. He could understand why he was feeling down, but he couldn’t accept the way Rin always refused to tell anyone how he was really feeling. Did he have to force him? Was staying close to him not enough?

They had dinner as usual, chatting about this and that, then he told Rin to go have a warm bath and enjoy it, while he was cleaning the kitchen. Warm baths were the best, when the mood was not so good. At least for him. Rin obeyed, but he wasn’t sure he enjoyed his bath as much as he told him to, because he found him in his room already, when he went there to take some clothes. He was on the phone with his sister and so he let him be, taking his time in the bathroom.

Going back upstairs, then, he closed the door of the bedroom behind him. Rin was now reading some random book sat on his bed, but he put it down on the desk when he saw him.

“You surely take awfully long baths, you know?”

“I told you to enjoy yours, but since you didn’t, I did it for you.” That said, Haru turned off the lights and sat next to him with a sigh, a towel still on his shoulders.

They stayed in silence for a while. How come sometimes none of them could find anything to say?

Rin was probably thinking the same, because he gave out a small sigh. “At what time do we have to be at school, tomorrow?” he asked, throwing the towel he had on his head on the futon next to the bed.

“At ten, if I’m not wrong.”

“Good. I can sleep a bit more.” That said, he stayed silent again, eyes pointed at the floor.

Haru observed him for a while. He was looking quite down, that night. There were always those days when one just couldn’t stop thinking. Maybe it was one of those days, for Rin. He wanted to help him, but how to do it?

Rin probably noticed he was staring, because he gave him a quick glance, before standing up. “Well, I think I’ll go to bed, now-”

He got stopped by Haru’s hand suddenly grabbing his wrist.

“Rin…”

The redhead turned and when their eyes met, Haru’s catch on his arm tightened.

“Are you… really ok with all this?”

Hearing those words, Rin widened his eyes. There was no need to ask what he was talking about. He lowered his head, Haru let go of him and he climbed on the bed again, sitting on it with crossed legs and a light bounce.

“Haru… I’ve already told you-”

“I know,” Haru interrupted him. “But… sometimes you look sad.”

Rin lightly smiled, without looking up. “I'll get over it,” he sighed. “I mean it when I say there's the next year too.” He paused. “And… Australia.”

Haru smiled as well. “Yeah.”

He thought wiring feelings out of him was going to be more difficult. However, it didn’t look like he was feeling better, now that he made him talk. Did he actually believe in what he had just told him? He hoped so, because Rin without those big dreams wouldn’t have been Rin anymore. He didn’t want him to change. He didn’t want him to stop shining. Was there anything he could do? Anything.

He hesitated for a moment. Then he lifted his legs, crossing them in front of Rin as well. “Rin…” When his friend raised his head, he held out his arm towards him. “Come here.”

Rin blinked perplexed, but that turned into surprise, when Haru brought a hand behind his neck, pulling him closer to put his head on his shoulder and holding him in a light hug.

“Ha-Haru?” Rin muttered, embarrassed, completely clueless about what to do in front of such an unexpected gesture. “What are you-”

Haru could feel him stiffen, all fidgety. Maybe it was stupid. Maybe it was even wrong. Maybe he wouldn’t even have done it, if Rin didn’t feel so bad. Using _that_ to mend hearts felt so out of place, not to count he was still against it. But he didn't know how to help him and so he chose the easiest way. Probably a temporary solution, maybe a wrong solution, but while it lasted, it was enough.

“I'm cheering you up,” he said, and without moving his head from Rin’s shoulder, he started untying the drawstring of his trousers.

Rin let him do it, frowning, a bit gloomy, hiding part of his face in his friend’s shirt, glad that the lights were already off. It was so obvious he couldn’t hide his state of mind from Haru anymore. They were spending the whole day, every day, together. If there was someone who perfectly knew how he was feeling, that was Haru. After all, they went down the same path and hit their head on the same wall.

Sighing, he slid closer to him, placing his hands on his back. He could feel his heart beating, from there. It somehow calmed him down. Haru chose a weird way to cheer him up, but it was really like them. He could as well appreciate his effort and focus on that moment.

Letting him go and sitting up, he looked at Haru lowering the band of his pants and boxers enough to be able to hold him in his hand. He started caressing him, delicately. After just a few light strokes, he grew hard already, probably astounded by the gentle way Haru was treating him, and he had the urge to open his mouth to breath, because he kind of forgot about it.

Haru was working on him with a slow and calm rhythm, just as sweet as his resolve to light his heart up. Rin looked at his face: he had to say he was really focused on his task. Despite that, or because of that, Haru moved one leg more to the side, after a short while. That was usually a sign things were getting tight for him too, in his underwear.

Reaching for him, Rin slid a hand inside his pants, immediately feeling how hard he already was. With the same pace his friend was using on him, he started stroking him too, feeling him twitch a bit. After he did so, Haru stopped touching him and he aimed instead at his shirt, taking it off. Acting accordingly, Rin helped him to undress as well, after throwing his own joggers and underwear on the floor.

Once their clothes were completely gone, Haru observed Rin in front of him. The mood was suddenly so weird, filled with sweetness, somehow… romantic, so different from usual. Maybe it was because of his intent, because he wasn’t doing that just out of pleasure and lust, this time? It wasn’t important, now.

Smiling, he lightly touched Rin’s chest, making him lay down.

Rin tenderly smiled back. “Thanks, Haru… for always sticking with me.”

Haru lightly sighed, sitting on his thighs. “You would be a pain in the neck, if I didn't.”

That made the redhead chuckle. “Shut up.”

They both gave out a relieving laugh.

Then Rin focused on them again, bringing a hand to their lower bodies. Haru slid towards him, enough to allow him to hold them both, and placed his hands on the mattress, at his sides, arching a bit backwards. Sat on Rin’s legs, he kept his eyes firmly on his face, leisurely starting to move forward, then back. The excitement and their body temperature were growing, asking them to hurry, but despite that, they silently agreed to take thing slowly, almost not to break the weird incantation that wasn’t allowing them to look away from each other. Only their breath was made a bit irregular by Haru’s movements, that made them shiver at every thrust.

Under the fair light of the moon, Haru could see Rin’s eyes closing, after a while, his traits relaxing, only his trembling lips as a clear sign of how good he was feeling. They were suddenly strangely tempting, those lips, in a way he couldn’t describe at all. And he didn’t want to waste energy thinking about such a thing. Not now.

Clenching his teeth, he started to increase the speed, feeling Rin’s body twitch from pleasure under him. He wasn’t looking sad anymore. It was relieving.

Smiling, he gently placed his hands on his friend’s, seeing him open his eyes again. It was the first time he felt that way while being with Rin like that. Usually, it was all about physical sensations, about getting to the climax in the most exciting way possible. That night, however, it was nothing like that.

Tightening his catch on Rin’s hands, he softly smiled to him, seeing him do the same. He was there for Rin and for Rin only, and he succeeded in conveying those feelings to him. Definitely. Leaning forward without letting them go, he put his head on Rin’s shoulder. He had never wanted to be so close to him, before. He had never been so sure that was the only place he belonged to.

He focused on his movements, on their bodies drowning in pleasure together, on the rhythmic squelching sound, on the sweat forming on their skin.

Then, with surprise, he felt Rin‘s head brush against his. A strange little gasp between one breath and the other made him raise his head to look at him. Stupefied, he saw a small tear sliding out of his shut eyes, then another one. His teeth were clenched and his lips were trembling again, but for a different reason, now. That sight made him feel better, instead of worried. He was letting it go. He was letting at least some of the pain go.

Smiling, Haru refrained from touching him, from caressing his face. He didn’t want to distract him now. Worrying for him meant bringing him to seal everything inside his heart again. Rin could be so uselessly proud, sometimes. But if he could give him some more warmth to help him melt his colder emotions, he was glad to do it.

He let go of his hands, circling his shoulders, and he built up his movements, thrusting faster in Rin’s joined palms, by now wet and slippery. It had never been so intense, before. He held Rin tight, as to tell him not to let them go when he understood he couldn’t take it anymore. He could hear him moan next to his ear. That pleasure was only theirs. All that was only theirs. There could be nothing like that in the whole world.

The need for release was growing more and more. He was feeling dizzy from pleasure and fatigue. He heard Rin say his name, once, then twice, breathless. They really were at their limit, by now.

Squeezing his eyes, he gave a few more deep thrusts and, after pushing forward once last time, he stopped there, letting his suddenly stiff body do the rest, feeling both him and Rin shivering in the intensity of their orgasm while cumming in the end with some little spurts. He could hardly breath, but he raised his head anyway. Rin was panting as much as him, but he was looking at him too, despite the tears sliding on his face.

This time, Haru caressed him, drying the salty water with his thumb, smiling. “Don't cry,  now.”

“I'm not crying,” was his friend’s irritated reply, as he covered his eyes with his arms.

Sitting up, Haru reached some tissues, calmly starting to clean them as much as he could, taking also Rin’s hands and drying them too. Rin stayed still on the mattress, with his eyes closed, till he finished, raising his head only when he felt Haru leaving the bed. Surprised, he saw him crouch, placing his hands behind his back.

When he saw Rin was taking too much to react, Haru turned towards him. “If you stop crying, I’ll piggyback you to the bathroom,” he joked.

Rin blinked perplexed for a moment, but then he smiled as well, grateful and a bit embarrassed. “Idiot.”

After a good soap and soak, Rin seemed to be back to his usual cheerfulness, at last. Only when they went back to the bedroom after getting dressed, he stood on his futon for a few seconds, observing Haru climbing on his bed. Noticing it, Haru watched him, waiting.

Rin lowered his head to avoid his glance. “Can I… sleep there with you?”

At those words, Haru stared at him surprised, but then he promptly made some more space, silently allowing him to join him under the bed sheets. Rin curled up at his side before he could even move his arm, using it as a pillow.

Haru sighed, laying down while looking at him. He was really calm, finally. The plan of staying close to him was effective, in the end. And not only for Rin. It was like having a human sized stuffed plush beside him. He was feeling less alone, less helpless, now. But thinking that way about Rin wasn't right at all. His red hair was so close he could almost-

Jumping, he moved his arm, hearing a sleepy Rin grumble something, disturbed by his sudden change of position. Looking at him, still astonished by the way he just felt, Haru turned towards the wall, curling up, his heart irritatingly beating faster in his chest and his cheeks burning. No, there was no way he was about to kiss him.

Convincing himself that was true, he managed to survive during the following days without feeling too uneasy whenever sharing the same space with Rin. 90% of his daily life, basically. He surely succeeded in cheering him up, that night, but he couldn’t foresee the consequences of what he did. Why was it that, whenever he tried to open his heart to someone even just a little bit more than usual, something unpleasant was bound to happen?

“Uh? Where’s Rin? Are you by yourself, Haru?”

“Yeah.”

“That idiot is ditching us again.”

“Haha! Sousuke, you’ll race against him the next time.”

Haru observed the smile on Makoto’s face and the disappointed expression on Sousuke’s. He could share their feelings, somehow. Though he was swimming with Rin every day, those meetings were funnier than normal training and if Rin wasn’t there, it wasn’t the same thing. Lately, he started skipping their meetings on the weekends, now and then. Rin never explained exactly why, but he never bothered asking him.

That wasn’t the only thing that changed during the last weeks and he was really hoping there wasn’t a link between that and what happened by now quite some nights before. It didn’t feel like it, but still…

Sighing, he took his swimming cap and his goggles, following Makoto, who just called him to go to the pool. He was supposed to meet with Rin right after that training, so worrying about his absence was none of his business.

“Do you want to come too, Makoto?”

He asked his friend to tag along while they were climbing the stairs towards his place. He would have liked him to come, but he had a feeling he already knew the answer to that question.

“I’m sorry, Haru. Exams are approaching.”

And Makoto looked sincerely let down and pained, while telling him that.

He couldn’t avoid frowning. “Stop having exams,” he grumbled. He knew Makoto was telling the truth, but the timing was always so bad.

After greeting his friend and his disappointed smile, he hopped on the last few steps, opening his house’s main door and welcoming himself in. His parents couldn’t come back to Iwatobi. And Rin was coming to his place in less than an hour. That was also bad timing. Why did he start to feel so weird about all the times he found himself alone with Rin in the last period? Well… not only in the last period.

He had to reconsider many things, more than before. Whether he liked it or not, after the night he decided to cheer Rin up through… physical contact, something changed. He didn’t know if it changed on his part only or on both, but he was almost sure that Rin’s slightly different weekly routine was because of that. In many ways. Maybe he was paranoid, but… After that day, he had the feeling that the nights they spent together increased.

No, to be more precise, the nights Rin stayed over _asking him_ to do it were increasing. For a simple reason: he started to turn down Rin’s requests almost always. And maybe Rin decided to avoid him, at least during weekends.

It was true he had already told Rin he was planning on stopping what they were doing, but he never actually tried to put that into action. This time, though, he was… let’s say scared enough. What he did that night ended up being a big mistake. On the surface, there was nothing different from usual.

Nothing except for their feelings.

What they did was something always aimed at gaining pleasure. No feelings attached. Adding feelings to that hobby of theirs, using it to comfort Rin, to pass him something that had nothing to do with lust, was something he shouldn’t have done. They underwent a strange exchange of emotions, that touched parts of their hearts hidden too deep to be revealed in the light of day. He became sure of it when he saw Rin cry for a matter he had always spoken of with a smile. He became sure of it when he felt… when he felt…

What was that he felt? What was that something that made him indulge on Rin’s lips, on his body in his arms, on their hearts so close to each other? If only he could have asked Rin such a thing… It was obvious he couldn’t. That was why the only remedy he found was preventing Rin from trying to strip him before going to bed. He didn’t want to feel that way again. He was afraid of those feelings. He didn’t want to acknowledge them. All he could do was saying…

“No.”

“Why not, dammit?”

Rin was now leaning on him on his bed, upset. He couldn’t blame him: that was the fourth time in one week he denied him his goodnight treat. He did was a bit sorry about it, but he made up his mind, this time, and he couldn’t go back on his word. With… tact, though. He had to let him do it, sometimes, when he was insisting too much, otherwise it was going to be a problem for sure. That night, however, was not one of those times.

“Let me go,” he told Rin, making him stand up. “It’s not the end of the world. We can do it some other day.”

“You said that some days ago too.”

“In fact, yesterday we did it.”

With a vaguely embarrassed grunt, Rin surrendered and sat on his futon. For that night, he was safe.

He stood up to turn off the lights and he was about to curl up in his sheets when he recalled something.

“Oh, Rin…”

“Mh?” the redhead replied, from under his covers.

“Sousuke wanted to know why you are skipping our meetings more than usual.” And he wanted to know that too.

“Can’t I be busy, sometimes?” was the vague reply, though.

“Well… I guess so…”

They stayed in silence for some seconds. Then, Haru saw Rin sit up.

“I… didn’t want to tell you now, Haru, but…” He paused, before turning towards his friend. “I would have told you anyway in a while.”

“What?”

“I… started to set things up to go back to Australia, at last.”

Haru’s eyes widened a little. He wasn’t expecting that.

It took him a while to be able to process a reply, because he wasn’t really sure how to feel about it. The first feeling he got was relief. Relief because his absences were due to a more serious reason than a night together. Then… a bit of disappointment. He knew Rin wasn’t going to stay in Japan forever, but he was never going to be ready enough for goodbyes.

“Oh…” was everything he could tell him, at first. “That’s… a good news, I guess. Can you do it?”

“I think so. I recently got a mail from my coach from there, that’s why I decided to act now. Plus, I’m not in the national team, here, so I think I can try to move there for the time being.”

Haru turned towards the pillow, when he heard those words. That failure was still hunting Rin, deep inside, even if he kept saying he was ok with it because he could try again. He was such an idiot.

“Well, I… hope you’ll find a way,” he said, smiling to him.

Rin smiled back, grateful. “Yeah. I’m lucky I already have a connection. It was hard finding such a good place and team in Sydney, in the old days. I’m glad I can join them again. I’m not sure I’d go there another time, if it wasn’t for that school, that team and that coach.”

“So you enjoyed yourself in Australia, despite all your complaints,” Haru joked, laying down.

“Shut up and sleep,” Rin snickered, doing the same.

Australia. With such a simple answer, part of his worries was finally gone. Rin explained the situation to all their friends a couple of days later and everyone was ok with it. Apparently, Rin’s former coach was retiring because of age and so Rin was waiting to know who the new one was going to be. Meanwhile, he was sending his data there to introduce himself to the senior division. With that, his job and school, Rin’s life was actually getting really busy and stressful. That was probably why he was spending the most time possible at his place.

“I can’t stay over todaaayyyy…” he complained, snuggling against his shoulder once they arrived to the station.

“You’ll come tomorrow,” Haru replied, jokingly patting his head.

Rin looked up, still keeping his face half buried in Haru’s tracksuit. “If I come over, can we-”

“No.”

“Why?!”

“Stop asking me why.”

“I will stop when you give me a good reason for your weird decision.”

“I told you my reasons long ago.”

“But you kept doing it.”

“Now I’m not.” Haru looked at the train finally stopping by. “Your ride is here.”

Rin just gave him a big pout, before stepping into the wagon.

After waving at him, Haru sighed. He slowly managed to convince him that no meant _no_. He was still asking, sometimes, though, but it seemed he was doing his best to respect his decision. He was grateful for that. Rin could be stubborn. In the beginning, he granted him to spend a heated night together once in a while, but he gradually managed to make those night diminish so much that by now about three or even four weeks had passed, since the last time they did it.

Rin was also busy with his plans for Australia. Maybe that was why he ended up surrendering. He had more important stuff to think about. His coach retired and Rin had recently talked with the new one. He told him he didn’t like the guy very much, but that didn’t stop him from willing to go to Sydney.

Rin deserved it. He couldn’t wait to witness his happiness once he was free to fly there. Yes, he wasn’t exactly ok with Rin leaving, but that was his life. His friend looked so happy about it. He couldn’t argue against anything that made Rin happy.

Sometimes, however, Rin also looked quite nervous. Though his family’s financial situation was way better than a year before, he was still worried, probably. Rin never told him he was anxious or why and he never asked him. In his place, he would have been quite stressed as well. He could understand as much.

At the same time, anyway, whenever he felt Rin was too tense, he always hoped he wouldn’t ask him to do it, because refusing a nervous Rin’s request felt even scarier. Not that he was scared of Rin. He simply didn’t want to get into a fight with him, so the less nervous he was, the better for him. After all, he never stopped feeling uneasy around Rin, not even for one day. He knew Rin was against his choice, but he couldn't certainly force him to do it, if he didn't want to. Though he grumbled something irritated every time, Rin accepted his will.

On his part, instead, he was angry with himself. The few times they did it anyway, he was happy about it and he didn’t want to be happy about it. It wasn’t… right. It just felt too good, both physically and emotionally. It was hard not to do it every time Rin asked for it. Luckily, his self control was very good, but he needed that closeness as much as Rin did. It didn't feel the same as before, he couldn't suppress those feelings in his heart and they were strangely intensifying even more while they were holding each other like that. Not doing it was really frustrating and it was a pity he couldn't tell Rin _how hard it was_ to tell him no.

Was it something like… quitting smoking and such? If that was the case,  he had to be patient and bear with it. He had to stay firm on his decision. He couldn't waver now. Not now that they were so close to stop for good. Then maybe, after that, even his weird feelings for Rin would fade.

Rin probably knew he was keeping him at distance, but he never tried to ask him why again. He hoped Rin wasn’t thinking about it too much. He couldn’t help it. He was tired of it, tired of the serenity he was feeling in his heart whenever he stared at Rin sleeping next to him after they had some fun. Sometimes, it was hard not to curl by his body till morning. Facing the wall was the most effective solution to the problem, yeah, but…

He couldn’t even recall when exactly Rin’s hair, Rin’s smell, Rin’s eyes, Rin’s mouth started to be so harmful for his mental sanity. It didn’t look like Rin felt the same way and that just made everything worse. Luckily, he had always been a patient person. He could deal with it for sure. Rin was his friend and he trusted him. In the worst case, he could just tell him about that, but for now Rin was busy enough with Australia and such. Better to let him be. He was supposed to leave for Australia within October. Just a little more patience. It was midsummer already, after all.

***

“News from Sydney?”

“Nope.”

“Tell me when you know something.”

“You’ve already told me that.”

“You might forget it.”

“How could you even think that’s possible?”

Haru stared at Rin sulking in front of him and he smiled to him with a sigh. “You are right.”

Getting up, he started to clear the table. They had a free Sunday and so he invited Rin to stay over for lunch. The weather was sunny, but not too hot. The door on the garden was open since morning, to let some air and the sound of the cicadas come in. It was a quiet day, one of those days when you just want to do nothing and be lazy till bedtime. At least that was what he intended to do.

“They are not calling me.”

Rin’s grumbling was the main hindrance to his relax.

“Just wait. It’s not that easy to make someone go live overseas, I think,” Haru snorted, going back to the living room and sitting down on the tatami, next to the veranda door.

Rin replied with a _tsk_. “They are late already. If they don’t call me within a month, I won’t have enough time to complete all the procedures.”

“You are too anx-”

“I’ve already did it once! I know how it works!”

Haru stared at him, his legs crossed and his hands on his ankles. He had a point. Still, he was thinking he had to relax. “Just stay calm. They’ll get back to you. Being nervous will affect your… karma or something.”

“Yeah, sure,” the redhead muttered, irritated.

“And you should focus on the upcoming races you have here, for now.”

“I know that.”

“Then do it, or I will get the first place.”

“Screw you! I’m gonna win!”

Seeing that teasing him about races was still working, Haru smiled relieved, laying down on one of the pillows on the floor. The sun was hitting exactly that point of the house and staying there under the warmth of its rays was one of the best ways to spend the afternoon. If Rin stayed quiet, he could sleep for a while, since he had to wake up or go to bed at unholy hours, in the last period.

“Do you think they’ll call me?”

Ok, Rin wasn’t going to stay quiet.

He deeply sighed again. “Stop worrying. You just said those procedures are difficult.”

“Yeah, but…”

“You’ll make it, Rin. Just have a little faith.”

“… ok.”

After that unsure reply, the room fell silent again, hopefully for a longer while.

Haru could hear the sound of some pages being turned. Rin probably found something to read. The air was now coming in together with the sunlight, playing a relaxing music with the leaves and the grass outside. In just a few minutes, he could feel he was finally about to fall asleep, his mind floating through billions of thoughts without being able to focus on one only anymore. He loved that sensation. That same sensation that got abruptly interrupted by something heavy lightly bumping on the side of his abdomen.

He opened his eyes, squeezing them because of the sudden light, just enough to see Rin’s head on him: he decided to use him as a pillow, now. He unclosed his lips to tell him to move from there, but he changed his mind in a matter of seconds. Rin was still reading, so he didn’t notice he was staring at him. He looked relaxed, at last. It was a nice view.  

His hand flinching all of a sudden made him become conscious of the strange need to pat Rin’s head. It also made Rin realize he was still awake, for he turned towards him, lowering the book. Haru startled just as his hand did, his face became a little bit warmer than it already was because of the sun and he instinctively tried to act as if he woke up in that very moment, raising his head.

“What are you doing there, Rin?”

“I’m using you as a pillow,” Rin quietly replied.

Watching his innocent expression, he laid down again, without looking away from him. There was plenty of pillows around the table. Why using his body instead? That thought made his face burn so much he had to look away. He was wishing he could just turn on his side to give Rin his back and make him move from there… but he also wanted him to _stay_ there, so he just closed his eyes again, trying to ignore his heart pounding faster in his chest, praying that Rin couldn’t hear it.

Having him there was even more relaxing than before, though. Maybe now he could sleep. A dull sound made him wonder if Rin put down the book he was reading. Was he going to take a nap as well? He highly hoped so.

Enjoying his friend’s breath going in and out together with his own, he put his hands on his stomach, relaxing with a deep sigh. His tranquil afternoon could finally begin.

Rin’s head moved a bit to the side. Maybe his hips weren’t that comfortable.

For a couple of minutes, there was calm again. It was true he wanted to sleep, but Rin keeping him awake just because he was trying to find a comfortable position was kind of funny and he wanted to know how that was going to end. However, after Rin moved for the third or fourth time, he started to consider to tell him to stay still.

At some point, he felt Rin sitting up. He grew used to the warmth radiating from his body, so he flinched a bit, as he felt something missing. At least, his restless friend could keep being restless somewhere else. He sighed again, trying to calm down for the Nth time.

“Haru.”

This time, his eyebrows twitched in deep irritation. No matter how much he liked staying with Rin, if he kept bothering him like that, he was really going to punch him. He kept his eyes closed, hoping to be left in peace, but his quiet afternoon under the sun was slowly becoming an utopia.

Rin crossed his arms on his belly, laying on him anew. “I’m bored.”

Bored. He was _bored_ and that was why he couldn’t let him sleep. Great. Moreover, he feared what such an assumption could lead to. Most of the times Rin said that, it always ended the same way. Or at least with the same request.

“Then keep reading,” Haru grunted, out of patience, trying to distract him. “I want to take a nap.”

“You have a guest staying over. Are you leaving me here all alone?”

“I think you can manage to survive for an hour or so.”

Rin snorted, annoyed, and leaned his head on him again. After a minute or so, Haru opened one eye, just to check if Rin’s eyes were closed. Once he witnessed that yes, they were, he went back to his nap plans. A clock was ticking somewhere in the room. He couldn’t remember where that was exactly. He could ask Rin to find it and take it to another place. That way, he wouldn’t have been bored anymore. Plus, he really needed to change position now. He wasn’t used to sleep on his back.

Right in that moment, Rin sat up again. Awesome. He could finally move from there.

He was about to turn on a side, when, with his enormous disappointment, he felt something tickling his waist, on the point where his shirt was trying to climb up his body. Opening his eyes for good, he stared daggers into Rin, who responded with a satisfied evil grin.

“Rin, I told you I want to sleep.”

“It’s such a good day. I don’t want to waste it sleeping, so wake up and let’s go somewhere!”

That said, Rin started to tickle him again.

“Oi, Rin!! Stop it!”

Haru started chasing his hands, but Rin was good at changing aim and slipping away. If only he wasn’t really angry with him, he would have even laughed.

Rin climbed on him to block him under his weight, going on tickling him everywhere. Stopping him from this position was even harder, now.

“Rin!” he kept calling. “I said sto- Oi! Listen to- Oi!!”

His friend was really enjoying himself. And he was starting to feel hot. It was summer and so much movement under the noon sun was tiring. He wasn’t sure his friend understood how pissed he was. The more he was opposing, the more Rin was trapping him. His hands reached the skin under his shirt again. He hated being tickled there so much!

But as he caught a glimpse of Rin’s amused smile, he realized the real problem was another one. Rin… Rin was way too close. Close to his face, to his body, to… _everything_. Suddenly conscious of his face being on fire, he did everything he could to catch Rin’s wrists.

“Rin, stop!”

Rin was all over him, so close to him, his hands quickly running on his body, his muscular arms blocking him down, one of his legs between his own. As he tried to stop him, he couldn’t help but occasionally and _incidentally_ take a glimpse of his perfectly sculpted chest and abdomen inside his tank top, his collar bone, his neck, his jaw, his entire being. What was happening to him?!

This was getting far more dangerous than it initially seemed. Not able to block his hands in any way, he finally managed to grab his shoulders in one last desperate attempt to stop that idiot laying on him.

“RIN!”

That last shout served his purpose, at last.

Rin stopped, perplexed, observing Haru now flushed and panting below him. As he saw the redhead blink and move a little bit to the side at the level of his hips, Haru understood he blocked him too late.

“Haru,” Rin said, seeing him turn to a side with a seemingly ashamed expression. “… are you… hard?”

“What do you think?!” Haru glared at him, his face getting even redder. “You are not in a better state, it seems,” he griped, bending a knee in the hope Rin would just move from the space between his legs, that was starting to feel cramped on his part too. “Go take care of that and let me do the same.”

And he covered his eyes with an arm, trying to forget about the fast pulse he could feel both in his chest and inside his underwear. Why did it have to end that way even when he didn’t want it to?

He waited, praying for Rin to just get up and leave, but he became suddenly unable to believe he would obediently do what he told him. Rin knew his point of view on that matter, but he wasn’t so diligent to just bring it to an end, just as he himself couldn’t gather the guts to stop him once and for all.

Peeping through the little space between his arm and his cheek, he saw Rin look down, at the embarrassing state of their lower bodies, and as soon as he saw him lifting on his arms, he lightly sighed with relief and surprise for the fact he obeyed for real, closing his eyes again, clenching his teeth when Rin accidentally brushed against him while sitting up and mentally ordering him to leave quickly, because he really needed to get off, now.

But as soon as he thought that, as soon as he realized his friend’s hands were still propped on the tatami at his sides, he felt Rin leaning with all his weight right _there_ , pushing forward, clearly on purpose, and sending up his spine a shock he barely managed to suffocate when it reached his vocal cords.

Immediately opening his eyes, he lifted on his elbows, altered. “What are you doing?!”

Rin shrugged as much as his posture let him. “I’m helping.”

Haru brought a hand to his chest, to push him away. “You are not helping me with anything. Just let go and-”

But Rin grabbed his wrist, pinning him back down so suddenly that he couldn’t counterattack. Without saying anything, he moved forward again, slowly, then back again, staring at Haru while doing so. Haru saw challenge shadowing his eyes, but he had to squeeze his own when Rin brushed once more against the bulge in his pants. Did he just have to surrender to the fact things were going to get hot another time?

Pleasure was already affecting his rationality. He still wanted to stop all that, but his lower half, by now deprived of all that for quite a long period of time, was desperately begging for relief and fact was that was exactly what Rin was offering. His wrists were still blocked against the tatami, but when he instinctively lifted his hips to meet Rin’s movements, Rin took that as a give up sign and he let him go, placing his hands on the floor anew.

Haru shivered once more, when Rin pushed forward again. He couldn’t understand anything anymore. He wanted to push him away, but he was in a bliss. So much time passed from the last time they did it, that he almost forgot it could feel that good. They weren’t even naked. That was shameful. Were they really so desperate? Was he? Down which path were his feelings for Rin taking him? Was he so weak he had to give up and let him have his way? No. The truth was way worse: he simply wanted all this just as much as Rin did. Maybe even more.

As Rin’s strokes grew a little faster, Haru ground his teeth, rushing to grab at first Rin’s arms and then his tank top, pulling him down, occasionally opening his mouth to catch some more air. Rin was panting too. He was so close to his lips he could feel his breath in his mouth.

Overwhelmed, he spread his legs wider, letting Rin adhere even more to his body. He opened his eyes just enough to see Rin’s face distorted by pleasure, his eyebrows twitching every time he managed to hit a particularly sensitive spot. He couldn’t bear that sight. He was ashamed by the state they were in because of each other and, despite that, he was barely able to avoid telling Rin to move a bit more to the side because he knew there was a spot that would have felt particularly good, letting out little suffocated laments instead. Rin eventually managed to hit that spot anyway and that caused a louder moan to leave his lips. He was pathetic. And he was feeling so good he almost couldn’t believe it.

To avoid letting out such embarrassing noises again, he clung to Rin’s neck, burying his face there, blocking him against his chest, forcing him to circle his waist with his arms as well, but also giving him the green light to push against him quicker and more aggressively. His mind was blurred by a wave of pleasure after another. He could feel Rin panting heavily against his neck. None of them was going to last for long.

Somehow, a little alarm signal blinked in his head at that thought, sending a bit of reason to his brain, or maybe he still needed an excuse to make Rin let go. Anyway, suddenly remembering they still had all their clothes on, he decisively pushed Rin away, sitting up.

“Rin, wait, I’m about…”

He was short of air and really at his limit, and probably only the adrenaline allowed him to make Rin move and to stand up. But the redhead quickly grabbed his arm standing as well and making his only step towards the restroom useless, holding him in a tight hug and pressing their groins together.

“Let me go!” Haru panted, pushing him. “I’m going to-”

He trembled as Rin shoved one leg between his, rubbing against his body to satisfy himself. His warmth and his smell were making him dizzy. His whole being was pulsing and shivering. Instinctively, he started to thrusts against Rin’s thigh, just as Rin was doing with him. He hated himself for not being able to stop, but he really couldn’t hold back anymore.

As he felt Rin suddenly freeze and hold him even tighter, he stiffened as well, pressing against him, sinking his nails in his shirt, burying his face in his neck, as they both let out one last relieving, stifled moan. The excited tension suddenly washing out, with no strength left to keep them straight, they both fell on their knees, still leaning to each other, breathless and speechless.

Feeling Rin’s back going up and down under his hands, Haru tried to bring his respiration back to a normal rhythm. In the end, they did it again. And _how_ they did it… That… was something he kind of wanted to forget. A bit hard to do, as he was gradually growing conscious of the humid sensation in his underwear. The only thing worse than that was thinking that Rin was in the same state. No matter how many times they did something like that, every time, when everything was over, he couldn’t help but feel uneasy, embarrassed, ashamed by something he felt to be worse and worse every day. Yet, he couldn’t make it stop.

Letting out one more heavy sigh, he grabbed Rin’s shoulder. “Let me go,” he said, almost emotionless.

He couldn’t even look at Rin. He didn’t want to. He wanted instead to be angry at him, he wanted to believe that the reason Rin wasn’t saying a word nor raising his head was that he felt as ashamed as him. He wanted to ask him how he was feeling now, after forcing his way on him another time. He wanted to believe that Rin really forced him to do that, but the truth was quite different.

He stood up, wobbling because of his trembling legs, and he headed out of the room without saying anything. After all, it was easy to guess where he was going.

When he heard Rin stand up as well, he stopped and turned, placing a hand on the doorframe. Rin wasn’t turning towards him and what he read on his face was actually something that could have looked like guilt, but he was too upset to forgive him.

He saw him open him mouth to say something, then he closed it again, rubbing his neck. His immediate guess was that he was about to ask him if he could come with him. The need to wash away the consequences of what they did was imaginable, but he was really tempted to leave him there like that, in his wet pants, waiting, while he took a really, really long bath.

However, he couldn’t bring himself to be such a jerk and so he just sighed, looking down.

“Are you coming or what?”

He could almost sense Rin lighting up, behind him, as he gave a timid “Mh”.

“But I won’t help you.”

Rin startled, stopping for a second. “Nobody asked you to,” he grumbled, then, following him to the bathroom.

None of them deserved that gentleness in that moment, probably, but staying angry at each other was harder and harder as time passed by. Be it guilt, regret, complicity or other weird feelings guiding them, after they started to satisfy their physical needs together, even the emotional ones began to transform. The space between them changed shape, the edges started to round and conflicts just became an hindrance to get rid of as soon as possible, otherwise they couldn’t keep doing what they were doing. Was a real conflict what they needed to be stopped, then?

Looking at Rin’s feet crossing the bathroom threshold, Haru closed the door behind them. Alarms were ringing all over his head and he was tired to ignore them. He refused to act till now in the fear of ruining their relationship. He worked so hard to rebuild it. Losing it again was not an option.

But their relationship wasn’t something built on sand – and surely not on physical satisfaction – and it was probably and finally the time to prove it.


	3. Chapter 3

A wooden ceiling. The structure holding the door to the veranda. The green garden and the sunny sky outside. The cicadas. The scent of the tatami he was lying on. His living room, basically.

Contemplating architecture wasn’t in his plans for the afternoon. He just found himself doing so. His eyes half-closed, his chest calmly moving up and down as he was breathing… Everything was so different from two days before. First of all, he couldn’t exactly see the ceiling, that day. Not that he wanted to. He was definitely focused on something else. Someone else. Even the sweet smell of rice straw coming from the pavement was covered by another type of aroma, coming from another house, another person. For the last two days, he couldn’t get that memory out of his mind. It was a good thing that Makoto didn't decide to drop by while he and Rin were… He and Rin were--

An intense heat raised to his cheeks, as soon as he recalled more accurately what they did while laying in the same exact spot he was occupying right now. Covering his face with his hands that were not even cold but felt freezing nonetheless, Haru gave out an irritated groan. That wasn’t the first time they did something like that. Was it because they were doing it less often? Was it because he started to accept all the things he didn’t want to realize? Was he now bound to blush like an idiot every time he thought about Rin, or worse,  every time he saw him? His heart running at full speed, his cheeks going on fire more and more often… Everything because he was anxious about something he couldn’t explain. Hiding all that from everyone – and from himself too – was difficult. He was going crazy. He was literally going crazy.

Sighing, he stood up. Maybe a cold bath was going to help, especially because, distracted as he was by such thoughts, his face wasn't the only part of his body starting to feel hot. Better to jump into the tub, before making his thinking about Rin even more miserable. It was full summer, the last, hottest days of July, so cold baths were particularly good. He had almost lost his old habit to wear his swimsuit inside the tub, though, after all the times he took a bath with Rin when he stayed over.

Rin.

 His tongue lightly caressed his teeth, as he silently pronounced his name, soaking in the bathtub. A flashing image of his bright smile made his heart perform another perfect back flip and, irritated, he took a deep breath, sliding underwater.

Rin.

Always Rin.

Given their physical relationship, he always let some space for doubts. Maybe, being involved in such a thing with Rin had an influence on his feelings too. Maybe, if they stopped, even those feelings would disappear. Knowing if that was the case was impossible unless he tried and he somehow believed it couldn’t be that simple. If it was, he wouldn’t have been in such conditions since the very beginning of that mess, or even before.

Instead now it was a matter of fact: for some weird, incomprehensible, unknown reasons, he was in love with Rin. Terribly, moreover. He tried to find another explanation, but there was none left. He was not an expert, he didn't know what love was, how it could feel, but he _knew_ that those feelings were love. A considerable amount of love, by now. How was he going to brace all that? How would… Rin react? A part of him almost wanted to know. The part that was utterly terrified, however, could easily crush him and force him into that silent self-torture. What did he have to do? How was he going to explain it to Rin, if fate made him discover those feelings of his?

***

“Oi, wait-”

“Shut up and come in.”

“Yeah, but-”

Haru observed Rin firmly grabbing his wrist again as soon as he took off his shoes before entering the Matsuoka’s house. He literally dragged him there after school was over and now he was still tugging his arm, with him to follow, towards his room. He wasn’t using force nor he was being rude, yet his behavior felt vaguely imposing.

“Rin-”

“Would you stop babbling?” The redhead pulled him inside his bedroom, closing the door and somehow blocking him against it. “Your family is at home, now. Since mine is out for some errands, we should take advantage of it, before they come back, don’t you think?”

“Rin, I told you I’m not-”

Rin paid no attention to his protests and leant to him with his whole body, his hands on the door, his face against his neck, and when Haru felt his warm breath on his skin, he jolted, clenching his fingers around his biceps, his attempt to resist him staggering a little.

“Rin,” he tried again. “I thought I made myself clear.”

His friend apparently ignored him, unzipping his tracksuit jacket and brushing his lips against his neck another time. “Stingy,” he said, sliding his hands under his shirt.

Haru tightened the catch around his arms. He was indeed a bit worried. Such an alluring approach was quite unusual, but it happened often, after that afternoon. Rin probably understood that turning him on instead of asking was a more secure way towards a “yes”. His hands were now running on his back, his mouth still too close to his neck and ear. Haru was doing his best not let their groins stick together. The last thing he wanted now was finding out whether or not Rin was already hard. He had to do something, before his friend’s new tactic proved itself to be effective a second time.

“Rin!” he said, trying to be as firm and severe as possible. He meant that as a warning, though he couldn’t avoid using some tact, maybe more than necessary, he didn’t know.

In any case, Rin stopped, his head still on his shoulder. A few tense seconds of silence resounded in the room from the clock on the wall.

“Haru-”

“I’m not doing it,” Haru said, decisively, this time, despite Rin’s hands sliding around his hips, maybe for no reason, maybe in one last attempt to reach his underwear.

He pushed him away enough to unglue his face from his skin and to be able to look at him. Not receiving an immediate reply, he waited. Rin was looking down, not saying another word of protest. Was he thinking? Was he cursing him? Hard to tell. At some point, he felt his hands just reluctantly slide down his body, as he let him go.

“Do what you want,”  Rin muttered, turning and heading towards his bed, where he fell on his back with a soft plump, crossing his arms on his face.

Haru stared at him, sorry and worried. Rin was restless, lately. More than usual. He wouldn’t tell him what was wrong, but he wasn’t even putting enough effort into not showing he was feeling down. Sometimes, everything seemed ok, some other times he just darkened, for apparently no reason or for stupid motivations, like this one. He wasn’t sure this was a stupid motivation, though. If it was, he would have let him do what he wanted. Yet, he decided to stay firm on his words, no exceptions this time, not even one, not even for a dejected Rin.

That resolution, however, had a lot of bad sides, like the really freezing atmosphere in Rin’s bedroom right now. He didn’t know what to do. Since he was at his place, the more ordinary thing to do was maybe making himself at home, as usual.

“I’m… taking a bath,” he tried, his voice trembling a little.

Silence.

“Do you… want to come with me?”

Asking that after rejecting him was a bad move and he regretted it immediately.

As a reply, Rin just turned on a side, towards the wall. “I’ll go after you.”

He probably tried to sound calm, but his words were extremely cold. Haru gave him one last glance, before going out of the room with his bag. He couldn’t give him his body. The only thing left to do was leaving him alone for a while. He wasn’t ready to ask him what was wrong and anyway now it was surely the wrong time to do so.

It was just a guess, but… since Rin never spoke of it again, he had reasons to suspect that the source of his bad mood was his request to leave for Australia. Whenever he asked him, Rin would reply that he knew nothing yet and “knowing nothing yet” three months before the day he was supposed to leave was not a good thing at all. All he heard from him in the last period was something about his former coach officially leaving his job and about another person taking his place. It didn’t look so bad, but maybe there was something more to it.

Despite that, he couldn’t pity Rin enough and after that “incident” at his place about a month earlier, he always forbid him to come closer than necessary to him. His… _symptoms_ were worse and worse, his feelings for him weren’t fading away one bit and, though it felt lame to refuse Rin’s attentions just because of that, he agreed with himself that this was fair, this was for their well-being. He sincerely thought that letting Rin vent his worries on his body was wrong, even worse than playing with him for no particular reason other than the will to get off. Moreover, doing it with Rin while harboring feelings towards him was… on another whole new level of _awful_.

The fact remained that he was troubled. He tried to use kindness as a substitute for their habits, but the truth was he didn’t know how to help Rin. He talked with Makoto and Sousuke too, but they were as clueless as him, even if they were acting more cheerful than usual around Rin as well, lately. Rin never showed negative feelings, when he was with them. Only with him he was letting some of his bad mood out. All the time they spent together probably made him acknowledge it was useless to try and hide things from him, or maybe he chose him as the only person allowed to know his situation. Did Rin actually have so much trust in him or did he just want to avoid making other people worry and chose him as a sort of “sacrifice”? Whatever the case, Rin was putting him under pressure and he didn’t know what to do.

After Gou and their mother came back, as predicted, Rin put on his smiling face again and he never took it off for the rest of the day. It was a painful view. He had to bear with it during dinner, then while Rin asked – a bit awkwardly, as to tell him he was sorry – if he wanted to spend the night. Taking a futon and unrolling it next to his bed left him with a strange sense of loss.

“Goodnight, Haru,” his friend said, his lips curved in a gentle smirk, before turning towards the wall.

Haru observed his unreadable back, his shoulders moving up and down, waiting and praying for him to fall asleep soon. Despite his smile, despite Rin being there with him, despite summer and the window opened on the quiet, warm night sky, in that dark and suddenly cold room, he felt as if he was alone.

***

The following days proved his fears to be fair. Sharing the same space with Rin was distressing. They were together at school, at lunch, during trainings, dinners, even nights. Almost as usual, if it wasn’t for the fact that he started to feel more and more like… the only thing that could chill Rin down. Rin was probably conscious of it, because there was no other explanation to his sticking to him while not even trying to socialize one bit. Their interactions were more and more reduced to the bare minimum needed to live together. Going on like that was suffocating.

“Rin, if something’s wrong, just tell me.”

He said those words with impatience and irritation, after spotting his friend sat next to the table in his living room, letting out such a dark aura he feared the lamps could pop.

“There’s nothing wrong,” was the even more annoyed reply.

“Yeah, sure. Do you expect me to buy it?”

“I don’t care what you want to believe or not. I had a bad day, so leave me alone.”

“You are the one who came to my place. Why should I be the one leaving?”

Rin snorted and said nothing more. He never looked at him, not even once, while talking.

Haru stared at him. What could he do? He wasn’t good at making people talk. He couldn’t even bring himself to speak. How could he hope to do it with someone else? He was tired to see Rin like that and he was tired to know nothing. He was stubborn, he refused to give up, but Rin could be even worse than him, especially when he was so down. How could he help him?

Clenching his teeth, he stepped forward, taking his friend’s wrist. “Come with me. A warm bath will make you feel better.” And he tried to make Rin stand up by tugging his arm. He was surprised, when Rin arrogantly laughed.

“How could a bath fix everything? I’m not weird as you are,” the redhead commented, with a bitter and mean snicker.

Haru tightened his catch on his arm. “If you don’t want to talk, at least relax a little. I-”

“What’s the point?!” Rin exclaimed, freeing his arm with a brusque jerk. “You won’t even let me touch you, so what’s the point?!!”

Haru widened his eyes, almost incredulous. He knew that was what Rin had been thinking for a while, he knew Rin was really tired of his refusals, but hearing it was another thing.

He let his arms fall alongside his body. Something in Rin’s furious expression changed, so he was sure he saw his reaction. He stayed in silence for some more seconds, almost hoping for regret to make its appearance on the scene, but nobody moved and nobody spoke.

He clenched his fists. “If… that’s what’s left of our friendship, then…”

He turned, leaving the room. He couldn’t finish the phrase. He didn’t know what to say. He was so angry he almost felt like crying. And it wasn’t just anger, that turmoil in his heart.

Once in the bathroom, he quickly stripped and barely started to soap his body, before helplessly and angrily wrapping a hand around himself. Was he so desperate that just the thought of Rin wanting to touch him so bad made him that hard? Yeah, everything was sharpened by anger too, but…

He gave vent to those feelings through rough strokes, while leaning to the bathtub, trying to shut Rin out of his head, because he didn’t want to think of him while doing such things, not anymore. But the more he tried, the more Rin was there in his mind. The more he struggled to throw all his thoughts of him away, the more they came back with their strength doubled. He was at a loss. And so was Rin.

When he went out of the bathroom, his living room and the rest of his house were empty again.

The day after, and for several days to come, Rin never spoke to him. They met only at school and he soon realized that Rin wasn’t bothering to put on a good face in public anymore. If that wasn’t enough, it looked like he was openly irritated by his sole presence, so he had to stop trying to get close to him or being close to him at all, in any way. He didn’t know if that was a step forward or back.

Avoiding Makoto to avoid owing him explanations about Rin’s behavior was easier than seeing Rin suffer all day long, but it was just as troublesome. At first, he thought Rin was going to snap soon, but if things were to go on that way, he was probably going to burst out before him.

Fate, however, apparently had different plans.

It was raining heavily, that day. A typhoon unexpectedly hit the town the night before and its remains were refusing to leave. It was late noon, when he got home. Probably because of the bad weather, his training had been a total disaster, so he just wanted to stay at home and rest. He couldn’t see Rin anywhere, in college, for two days in a row and he hoped he was ill, because that was the most harmless explanation for his absence. Was he supposed to call Gou to know how he was doing?

He had almost reassured himself with such an assumption and he really was about to call Rin’s sister, when his little theory crumbled under the sound of his doorbell ringing. What he saw when he opened the door was a Rin drenched from head to toes, his eyes staring at the ground, his arms abandoned at his sides, almost lifeless, while the rain was falling insistently behind him. Without saying anything, he moved, to let him in, and Rin, also without a word, stepped inside, water dripping from his clothes and his hair.

Haru rushed to take a clean towel, hurrying back because he wasn’t even sure Rin was able to take off his shoes, judging from the state he was in. When he went back, however, he found him waiting almost where he left him, his soaked sneakers behind him next to the wall. In silence, he started drying his hair and his face and Rin let him do it, adjusting to his movements.

After that quick fix, he left the towel on his head, turning back, and his friend followed him. Once in front of the bathroom, Haru gave him the change of clothes he was about to use later and another towel.

“I’ll make something warm,” he said, watching Rin as he took what he brought him, entering the room.

He then closed the door and, with a sigh, he headed to the kitchen. Though his heart made quite a few jumps when he saw Rin on his doorstep, he couldn’t say he was surprised. Not that he was expecting Rin to come to his place. It was just… a feeling, probably. A premonition. Or maybe just hope.

While waiting, he prepared a simple soup, some rice and vegetables, just a light meal which he ate in silence together with Rin when he came back. Not a sound came out of Rin’s mouth for all the time. He wanted to ask what happened, but something was telling him it was better to let him decide when and if to speak.

It felt weird, taking a book and starting to read, acting as if Rin wasn’t more gloomy than the sky outside, in front of him, by the table. Only by keeping him company like that, however, he could feel the atmosphere around him warming up a little bit, not so much, but better than nothing. He was ok even with Rin spending there the night, in complete silence, even without sleeping, if that was ok with him. If he just wanted to stay by his side, words weren’t needed.

“They called me.”

Rin’s voice abruptly breaking the silence made him violently flinch. Without replying, he raised his head. His friend was still looking somewhere else, his chin on the back of his hand.

“The new coach, I mean.”

Those words definitely caught Haru’s attention. Did he finally receive a call from Australia? What was with that mood? His heart started to race and it wasn’t a good feeling at all.

“I…”

Rin tried to recollect the right words. It seemed he didn’t know what to choose and how to say it. Even just his thinking looked painful.

“They don’t need me.”

Haru widened his eyes. That sentence echoed in the room, felt like a scream, even though Rin didn’t raise his voice.

“The new coach said they don’t need another swimmer, not someone with my times as they are now.” Rin lowered his head. “I never liked the guy,” he stated, making it sound as if that was a perfectly fine conversation.

Haru stared at him, speechless. What could he even tell him? There was barely nothing he could say to ease such a tremendous hit. He couldn’t believe it. That was almost Rin’s entire life. All those months… years waiting and hoping… just for this?

Rin finally looked at him. The expression in his eyes was indefinable. He seemed more exhausted than he was sad.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he said, making him startle again.

Haru opened his mouth a couple of times, but he couldn’t find any word, so he stuck to a strangled and cliché “Are you ok?”

Rin didn’t reply immediately, lowering his head. After some moments, he frowned and his hands twitched, nervous.

“I feel sick,” he muttered, bringing a hand to his mouth and standing up.

Haru quickly got ready to support him, circling his back with an arm as he accompanied him to the restroom, where Rin, however, just lingered by the toilet, without throwing up, in the end. With all probability, it was just a sudden rush of anxiousness.

“You need to rest,” Haru told him, taking him to his room.

“Mh,” was the simple reply he received.

He opened the wardrobe, taking a futon. His hands were shaking. He wanted to make them stay still, since he was the one supposed to help Rin, but he wasn’t able to stop them. What Rin told him hit him as if he was the one involved. With everything he went through with Rin during the last months, after all, he was actually involved enough.

After laying down the futon, he turned towards Rin, who was still observing him, leaning against the wall next to the door.

“Go to sleep. We’ll think about anything else tomorrow.”

Rin just stared at him, an indefinable expression on his face, half sad and unsure, half completely empty.

By the time Haru realized he wasn’t going to speak, Rin had already made a step towards him. Flinching when his friend held out his hands, he barely made a step back, before Rin hugged him. It was a really light hug, yet it felt as if he was locked in a tight grip. He was paralyzed. Only his heart was an exception, since it was suddenly beating at full speed.

They stayed like that for some time, maybe even minutes. Haru was conscious his heart was beating so much Rin could probably feel it. It didn’t matter too much, though. Despite such a warm gesture, he couldn’t help but feel cold. Somehow foreseeing anything but a pleasant outcome, he raised his hands, to make his friend let go.

“Ri-”

He froze almost before opening his mouth, as he felt Rin’s cold fingers slip under his shirt and to the hem of his trousers.

“Rin?”

His intentions were already clear enough, but he somehow hoped to be wrong till the moment his friend lifted his shirt to take it off.

“Oi, Rin!” he protested, trying to push him away.

But Rin’s catch behind his back was firm and he kept their bodies so close that moving was difficult.

“Rin, stop!” he continued, grabbing his shoulders. “I don't really think this is a good idea!”

Rin ignored him and buried his face into the crook of his neck, pulling up his shirt again while running his hands on his back.

Haru took advantage of that by sacrificing his clothes. Letting Rin take his shirt, he slid out if it and managed to step back.

“Oi, listen to me, Rin!”

“Why not?” A furious glare coming with a challenging tone, Rin swiftly grabbed his wrist, pulling him towards his body again.

“Rin!”

Haru tried to warn him, uselessly. His friend was now aiming at his joggers and pants, indifferent to his complaints, but before he could take them off, Haru grabbed his wrists, holding tight and preventing him from moving further.

Rin got free of his catch with an irritated tug. “Why are you so against it?!”

“I’ve already explained!”

“You never did!!”

Haru faltered. Those livid red eyes staring at him made him recall he never told him the truth, he never gave him a good reason, and now his friend was evidently waiting for it, angry, threatening and not prone to act patient.

“I-I mean…” he began, desperately looking for something to say. “Think about it: we are basically… having… sex,” and he felt his face warm up at that thought. “And it's… too weird.”

Even Rin looked surprised and taken aback for a second, but he quickly glared at him again, though his face became a bit redder as well. “This is not… sex.”

Haru  frowned, giving him a serious and scolding look.

“And you've always been ok with it!” Rin added. “No matter how many times you told me no, once we got started you never backed down. Don’t try to play innocent, now!”

Haru startled and turned on his side as soon as he felt his face get hot. “It… feels so good that not being ok with it would be strange.”

“Then why-”

“But we really should stop. I don't want to do this anymore. Especially not _now_.”

“What?”

“You know this is wrong as well.”

Rin stayed silent, this time.

Haru observed him for some seconds, before lowering his head. “I… would have never done something like this with someone other than you, probably.”

Rin ground his teeth. “Are you saying it's my faul--?!”

“The first time, I thought that going with the flow couldn't hurt, for once,” Haru blocked him, raising his voice. “And it's true that I let all this go on, but-”

“You weren't less eager than me, every time you decided to take the lead,” Rin snorted.

“It's true, but-”

“You can blame human instinct all you want, but the truth is that you’ve always agreed with it!”

Haru clenched his fists. Why was he being such a blockhead?!

“I'm not blaming anything, Rin! You are right! I'm just saying that we shouldn't do it anymore! Think about it! This is sick!!”

“What if I don't care?!!”

“You really should!!”

“We are just having fun!!”

“Friends don't have fun this way!”

“Friends have fun in sicker and worse ways than this!”

Why was it ending like that? Why were they fighting now? Fighting about such a thing, moreover, just when everything he wanted was to cheer Rin up. But right now in his head there was nothing else than all the times Rin insisted, all the times he tried to convince him to do it and… also all the times he succeeded. How could he be so stupid? How could they both be so stupid?!

“Why do you want to do it so much?!!” he shouted, giving up to anger. “You’ve always stayed over on purpose!”

“And you let me even if you knew it! Don't play innocent, I said!!”

“I don't even get why we are discussing about this!” Lowering his hand with a blunt gesture, Haru turned to walk past Rin and go out of the room. He was infuriated. He could spend not even another second with him.

But before he could take another step, Rin grabbed his arm. “You are the one who started the discussion!”

“Because I decided to put an end to all this!”

“What if I don't want to?!!”

“Why do you not want to?!!”

“Because it's a damn stress reliever, because right now I need it and I'm not in the mood to think about stopping!!!”

Haru stared at him, his eyes widened. Rin was holding his shoulders, to force him into place, his enraged eyes piercing through him, almost burning. He was trying to make him do what he wanted another time. Why wouldn’t he learn? Why was he… like this?!

Maybe, deep inside, he wanted to calm down and reason a bit with him, maybe he just had to stay in silence and wait for Rin to calm down, maybe he had to remind Rin why he came there under the rain, that day, just to be with him, but what Rin just told him was the last drop in his heart full of worries and unsaid words. His soul was a rumbling storm, its dark clouds were hiding the view and he couldn’t even hear his own thoughts in such a chaos. He simply looked down, at his side, clenching his fists. If that really was all he was to Rin…

“Then why don't you go to Australia and find someone else you can do this with?”

The sound of the pounding rain outside suddenly reached his ears. He forgot it was raining, but there was so much silence, now, in his room, that it fell on him like a cold shower, so much that his eyes widened and his clenched fists lost all their vigor. What was it? What did he just say to Rin? Was he really the one who spoke those words? Out of all the things he could have said…

He swallowed, as his body stiffened. What could he do now? Rin’s hands were still on his shoulders. He wasn’t saying a thing. Regret suddenly ripped his heart into pieces. He raised his head, in panic, opening his mouth probably to voice a stupid and useless “sorry”. He could see nothing but a glimpse of his friend’s wide open and now suddenly hollow eyes.

It happened in a second.

All he knew was that he was suddenly blocked onto his bed. He barely realized what Rin did only when he felt his lips forcefully pressed on his own. His gaping eyes pointed in utter shock at anything but Rin on top of him, he gave up breathing at least for a few seconds, but he regained his consciousness fast enough, grabbing Rin’s shoulders to push him away. However, as soon as he made an attempt to talk, Rin pushed him down again, kissing him again, a greedy, furious kiss, as if he was trying to devour him. He tried to force him to move, but his arms were shaking, for the surprise and the sudden violence of such a gesture. He couldn’t move him, not even an inch, from there.

Gasping for air, he opened his mouth, though that didn’t stop Rin from going on kissing him. He could feel his lips, his tongue looking for more contact and making do with his teeth when it wasn’t enough. The air around them was suddenly scorching hot. He was burning, melting at Rin’s touch. Almost with surprise, he found himself kissing him back, avidly, for a couple seconds, before forcing himself into reason again. Maybe he was just trying to breath, maybe not. What was happening?

With another gasp, he did his best to resist the urge to pursue his lips, to taste them, to hold Rin down into place so that he wouldn't stop. He yearned for such a moment, he really did. Yet now…

Kicking those thoughts away, Haru squeezed his eyes, trying to turn, but Rin was holding him still. He longed for those lips for so long. Now he could have them. Now they were his. Why was he holding back? Why was it so hard to avoid getting carried away?

Rin was aggressively attacking his mouth, sticking even his tongue in, hardly leaving any space to breath. Evidently not satisfied with that, he soon moved to the corner of his mouth, to his cheeks, to his neck. Haru could feel him ardently suck his skin. His hot breath was sending shivers all over his body.

It was scary. Not what Rin did. Rather, not being able to know what was going to happen next, though most of it could be easily guessed. His will to stop him wasn’t strong enough and the guilt in his heart wasn’t helping at all. Rin’s hands were starting to leave his arms, to run down his body. A little hissing sound unexpectedly left his mouth as they reached his lower parts, but it was definitely the wrong moment to get more turned on than he already was.

Recollecting as much reason and strength as he could, he tried to push Rin back another time. Rin responded by laying on him completely and Haru flinched, feeling his already pronounced hardness against him. That made his blood boil even more. He couldn’t control neither his body nor his senses at all.

“Rin-” he whispered, shaking, in another desperate attempt to stop him. Or himself.

His words got suffocated by another kiss and this time all his willpower proved itself not to be enough to prevent himself from kissing him back. He inhaled sharply when Rin grabbed the hem of both his trousers and pants, taking them off. That was both a dream and a nightmare, everything he wished for, but not in such a way. None of them was exactly thinking, in that moment. Even that kiss right now was most likely guided by parts of their bodies way lower than their heads or hearts. He was sorry for that,  for he couldn't even stop pursuing his lips.

He could feel Rin’s hands running all over his body, he could feel him growing harder between his legs and he was ashamed by how his own body couldn't help but react the same way. He twitched when Rin touched him another time, stroking him just a couple of times, before leaving him at the mercy of desperation. Pleasure was melting his will to fight, but he was focused on not letting all his reason go. He had already decided to let Rin have his way. He had to. That was way too much to bear, for both of them. Still he couldn’t lose control of the situation.

He finally breathed in when Rin let his mouth free, his shaking hands doing their best to keep him far enough when he buried his face into his neck anew. Rin probably sensed his will to fight fading away, because he let him go, though remaining firmly sat on his thighs, to take off his own shirt. Then he leant on him again, pulling down the rest of his clothes and sliding out of them.

Haru, still blocked onto his mattress – by that absurd situation, more than by Rin – looked down when Rin kissed his chest once, twice, resting his head there right after. There was no sign of affection in all that. Despite it, some kind of relief for Rin being so close to him was somehow pervading his body.

He had to grit his teeth, when Rin groped him, immediately starting to stroke him fast and aggressively, forcing him to open his mouth in a voiceless moan and begging gasps. He grabbed the sheets when Rin increased the speed. For some moments, he was the only one in Rin’s hand. Then, right when he was about to reach his limit, Rin took himself in the same catch, moving frantically between his own fingers.

Staying lucid was harder and harder. Haru barely held back from thrusting into Rin’s hand too. That was a cruel fight between his desires and the right thing to do. He was still wondering if he really had to stop him. Rin’s face moved from his chest to his neck when he started to breathe faster. He suddenly felt him freezing into place with a strained lament and the simple thought Rin possibly just came on his stomach made him meet the same fate.

Not even the time to regain his senses and Rin was already fondling him again, his hand then running down his thigh. He was so worn out by a strange mix of pleasure and worry, that he contemplated almost with relief the idea of a second round, if that was what Rin needed to calm down for good.

Only in that moment, he felt a strange pressure on a place that wasn't supposed to be touched. For a second, he thought it was a pure chance, that he was wrong. They always knew where they had to stop. But Rin kept touching and before he could realize that was exactly his intent, he put one finger inside him.

What was… he trying to do?

Such a stupid question left him with his eyes pointed at the ceiling, trapped between the most obvious option and his own damn delusions. Rin was taking his time exploring him. He couldn’t describe how he was feeling. He couldn’t kill that voice that wanted to know more. He only knew that, a second after, Rin touched him in such a way he felt he could come in that very moment.

He cried out, grabbing the sheets. He couldn’t believe what he was doing. He couldn’t believe what Rin was doing, but the most unbelievable thing was that, no matter how much his brain was shouting him to stop all that, no matter how that was going to be even worse than anything they already did, the desire to _let him continue_ was stronger. He held back from saying his name and just squeezed his eyes, grabbing his pillow with both his hands, his legs and his hips twitching every time Rin reached a new spot. He was stunned by how good that felt.

Haru saw Rin raise his head. He was heavily breathing, clearly even more turned on that before. He stared at him. Was it ok to go on? What was going to happen after that? Was it a big mistake? Were they allowed to do that? Haru didn’t know. He couldn’t find an answer for any of those questions. Rin was there, in need of him, both his mind and his body begging him to stay. That was the only thing he was sure of.

He highly doubted Rin’s thoughts were lucid right now, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop him for good. He just stared at him, even when he saw his eyes desperately asking for more, even when he realized that what was touching him in that moment wasn't Rin's finger anymore. As Rin spread  and lifted his legs, he closed his eyes, doing his best to relax, getting ready for whatever was about to happen.

He bit his lips right before Rin started to push himself inside him, using probably far less delicacy that needed. The sudden pain blocked all his movements for a second, but he did his best to stay calm, slowing down his breath, relaxing, while feeling Rin slowly making his way in. The adrenaline in his body helped him to bear that stinging sensation. His mind was blurred by a good dose of excitement as well, despite everything, and it went almost blank when he felt Rin adjusting completely inside him. Only then, he regained enough lucidity to notice his own hands shacking while holding Rin's arms so tightly he almost sunk his nails in his skin.

Why was this happening? Why did he let it happen? In the short moment of stillness that followed, he was suddenly hit by regret. What was he doing? What was he letting Rin do? He felt him pull back for a moment. Why couldn’t he react before? Was he being punished for being so stupid? This was exactly what he expected to happen any time he agreed to lie with Rin. This was the reason he wanted them to stop. He knew it was just a matter of time, before they crossed lines that shouldn’t have been crossed.

All this was also just his self-told lie, anyway. Just like Rin, he kept telling himself that what they were doing wasn’t sex. As if having sex, the “proper, classic one”, the one you see in movies, meant they had to be in love with each other to begin with. If that was the case, then he was the one who crossed the line first.

He tried to suffocate a lament when Rin thrust into him a second time, then another one. He was falling numb under the sense of pleasure that inevitably caught him, overcoming even the pain. Such a good sensation was the worst castigation he could get. He was suddenly ashamed to death, sorry to death, for everything that happened and that brought them where they were now. After what Rin was going through, he chased him away exactly with what was making him suffer. He had been foolish and if that was a punishment, he deserved it all.

If sex was supposed to be a pleasant experience, what he was feeling right now wasn't nice at all. If it was supposed to be a sweet and loving exchange, the only emotion he could feel between them was Rin's heavy, one sided anger. And even if… even if he pictured such a moment in his mind every time Rin stroke him with his hands, even if somehow he… _hoped_ all this could happen _with Rin_ , even if he could no longer deny that his desires and his feelings were the _real reason_ he wanted them to stop all that, what he was feeling right now was a painful stab every time and he wasn’t talking about physical pain. He was tired. Tired of pretending, tired of denying, tired of hiding… tired of making Rin suffer so much.

Holding in any sound, he took a breath as deep as he could, trying to relax both his body and his mind. He had to reach for him. He had to drag him out of whatever dark place he fell into. He thought he wanted to stop him, but he meant it just as much as he meant every time he told him that what they were doing was wrong. The only truth was that he was craving for Rin, he was yearning to have him by his side. Everything they did together was something he wanted them to share. Even this moment right now.

He wanted Rin to let him come closer, to let him console and support him, through anything. It was true that was not how things were supposed to go. That was not how he expected his relationship with Rin to be. If friendship had a handbook, they probably broke each and every rule on it, but that was none of his business, not now. There was nothing in that moment, nothing in the whole world, that could count more than Rin resting in his arms. If that wasn't friendship anymore, he couldn't give a damn. That his feelings for Rin weren’t friendship, he knew it for a long time by now. Hard to miss, with all the times Rin laughed about his heart beating so fast whenever they were too close.

He never bothered to wonder how Rin felt towards him. There was no need to know it. If Rin needed him or even just his body to feel better, even just a bit, be it swimming or sex, allowing him to do what he wanted was the bare minimum. The only thing that counted was that he was there for him and he was always going to be, no matter what such a decision could implicate. He was surprised it could be as simple as that.

His only big mistake was not admitting all of this sooner. He was deserving Rin’s anger, now. He could feel his state of mind. For that reason, he just bore the pain, reaching out to him, embracing him with all his heart, tenderly caressing his head, pulling him down till he could feel his warm, gasping breath on his neck while he was roughly moving in and out of him. He could see nothing wrong in that, because the one feeling worse at the moment surely wasn't him.

That change of heart reached Rin within seconds. As he felt Haru hugging him, as he understood he had absolutely no intention of fighting back, as the ice in his heart melted in an instant under Haru’s warm touch, he lifted, looking at him, his widened eyes suddenly filled with tears as he stopped moving.

He stared at Haru, at his own tears falling one after another on his friend’s tranquil and reassuring face. It was like waking from a dream and reality hit him exceedingly hard. What was he doing? What had he done?!

Flinching, he let Haru go, lifting on his arms though to shocked to move from there. It was as if Haru’s calm was scolding him. Like a weird flashback, he saw all the times Haru asked him to put an end to what they were doing. He refused to listen, despite knowing exactly why he kept asking him so. Because he knew this was the reason, even if Haru always refused to explain. And now here he was, all over him, inside him, giving up to instinct completely just because of a stupid disappointment. It was something so horrible that he was suddenly feeling nauseous.

“I… I'm sorry,” he murmured, stunned, his tears flooding out without control. He squeezed his eyes and ground his teeth in a useless attempt to stop the piercing pain. “I'm sorry!”

Why was he asking for forgiveness, now? Why was he such a coward? Why was Haru staring at him so calmly, with no anger, no disgust, nothing but quiet understanding? How could he do that?! He hated gaining things he didn’t deserve. Haru was one of those things. Always patient, always available to share anything with him, to do anything with him, even if he didn’t want to. From a relay to… _this_.

He saw Haru reach for him with a hand. He didn’t have to. He wasn’t worth of consolation, not after what he just did. He tried to move away, but as Haru’s fingers  touched his cheek, he let out a suffocated sob, breaking down in tears in front of the peaceful, safe, deep blue eyes staring at him, even if he couldn't look at them, even if he wasn't even worthy of looking at them, right now.

Haru stared impotent at his friend, now defenselessly shaking without control, pierced by sorrow and guilt. Rin always cried at the wrong time, always when it was too late to avoid the pain, always when he was so caught into trying to help him that nothing else mattered. The sudden realization that not stopping him sooner was a bigger mistake than he thought trapped his heart in an excruciating grip.

Hoping it was enough to ease his pain, he circled Rin’s shoulders, holding his body shaken by sobs as Rin kept telling him he was sorry, hoping he could understand that he was forgiven already, that he wasn’t even the one at fault, maybe.

He managed to reach for him, in the end. He was relieved, but not enough to believe everything was over as simply as that.

Keeping Rin close and caressing his head, he held tightly onto him, in silence, till he, worn out by his sorrowful cry, fell asleep in his arms.

When he woke up, the morning after, the only traces left of Rin were the folds on the sheets next to him.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a sunny day. The rain and the clouds were gone, the birds were chirping happy under a beautiful cerulean  sky, children were playing outside… Everything almost seemed to come back to life after a stormy night.

Quite the contrast with his room, where the only source of bright light was the little space between the two curtains at his window.

Sat on his bed, Haru peeked outside, at another summer day that was going to become hot and humid by midday. He didn’t know what hour it was and not even how much time he spent there. He got up only to use the toilet and take a bath, then he sat on his mattress again, his back against the wall, his legs curled against his body, his mind tormented by too many thoughts. Actually, just one, maybe.

_How was Rin doing?_

Something was telling him that knowing it directly from him was completely impossible. His phone was next to his hand, but he used it only to reply to a teammate who asked why he was absent and told him that Rin didn’t go to practice as well. He expected that. A cold was always the most useful excuse. Rin probably told them the same thing. If he replied at all.

As for him… leaving his place, that day, was out of question. He needed some fresh air, he _really_ needed it and the morning was maybe his only chance to get some, but he was feeling horribly. Physical pain wasn’t troubling. He had to sit at a weird angle, that was true, and after the tension from the night before, all his body was aching here and there. Trying to swim in those conditions was a sure way to provoke a heart attack to his coach. He did heard something about what to do and why when doing it with another guy, but he never really thought that not using any precaution would be… such a pain, literally, letting aside other risks.

Closing his eyes, Haru gave out a deep sigh. He really was reckless from many points of view. He couldn’t stop him. He didn’t want to. He felt so bad, while laying defenseless below him perfectly conscious of what would have happened. No. He wasn’t even defenseless! He just wanted Rin to go on. He wanted Rin to strip him, to kiss him, to touch him and yes, even to be inside him. _He wanted him_ , in any way, _any_ meaning he could give to that feeling. If only he told him before… If only Rin understood he did nothing against his will…

Telling him that now would have only sounded like a pathetic tentative to cheer him up. He was terrible. What had he done? What had he done to the person he cared for the most in the whole universe? They were both two hopeless idiots and they probably deserved every single thing that happened last night and the days before it. He wanted to punch Rin as much as he wanted to punch himself, but to do that, he had to fix things first. To do that, he had to hope Rin wouldn’t avoid him from that day on. To do that… he had to hope it wasn’t over for good between them.

Doing his best to avoid spending the whole day in a catatonic state of self pity, he went downstairs to eat something, though he didn’t feel like eating at all. Just when he was about to open the fridge, Makoto rang his bell. Perfect timing. Eating with some company was better than staying alone.

“Are you feeling well? It’s rare for you to skip trainings.”

Ah, yeah. That day, they had to meet with Makoto and Sousuke to spend the afternoon swimming together.

Placing a little tray with two glasses of cold tea on the table, Haru stared at the wood in front of him for a couple of seconds, taking the time to think about what to say.

“I… think I was feverish, last night, so…”

It was plain obvious Makoto would have never believed such a thing, but his friend smiled anyway, gently.

“Rest well, then. I can help you out, if you need.”

They stayed in silence for a bit. Haru saw Makoto inspecting him, carefully, but when he raised his head, his friend focused on his tea, before speaking.

“Rin was absent as well, I heard.”

Hearing those words, Haru lowered his head.

“Mh,” he murmured, understanding that his childhood friend wasn’t going to overlook his lie completely.

Anyway, Makoto said nothing more than that on the topic and he asked him if he was able to go swimming with them again in a few days. Technically speaking, there wasn’t a valid reason to refuse, so the next day he went back to school and to work already. Acting depressed wasn’t going to fix anything.

The first day was tough, though. What to do, if he met Rin? The sole idea was enough to make his stomach hurt. But Rin was absent again, that day, the day after and the next one too. By the fourth day, he was so overwhelmed by worry that he prayed any god he knew to let him see him even from a very big distance.

However, after about a week, he knew from a classmate that Rin did came back to school as well a couple days after he did. That he had never seen him, it wasn’t that surprising. They knew their schedules perfectly, so avoiding each other was a piece of cake. It was sad, really, but it was better that way. For now.

They needed time. Just knowing Rin was able to come back to school was a big relief. The bad part was how to explain it to their friends, who were _really_ perplexed when they knew Rin wasn’t going to join them, that weekend, not to count that it was clear there was something going on between the two of them.

From what he heard, Rin contacted nobody, during that last week, not even Sousuke. That idiot. Even their teammates, when Rin finally came back to swimming practice, avoided prying into their businesses, though they were aware they had some sort of fight. After all, Rin started acting cold long before all that, to the point he gave up relays, so they were sadly used to the fact the both of them acted as if the other wasn’t even there.

Knowing Rin, it made sense, anyway. He had to deal with his angry or sad self more than once, in the past. Everything always ended up well, but the initial phase was so terrible he had almost lost hope.

And now? What were they supposed to do, this time? How could they even fix what happened? It felt as if their relationship became a pot full of holes, while the water pouring out from the inside was the time they had left. All the things Haru had in mind felt like useless pieces of tape. A couple years before, he had his friends beside him. Now he couldn’t ask for help, not without exposing Rin or himself. It was hard, so hard, to picture a way, any way, to make things go back to how they were before.

It was likely completely _impossible_.

***

Rin brought a hand to his chest, where his heart jumped in a weird way. He was so anxious that not even his body was functioning as it should have anymore. Makoto phoned him that morning. He really didn’t want to answer, but after more than a week without contacting his friends, not replying or – worse – refusing when Makoto asked if he wanted to go swimming with him would have led to too many questions and doubts. Just the simple fact that, right before he tried to decline, Makoto explicitly cared to tell him that Haru wasn’t coming was proof that he was aware of the situation, somehow, and he felt obliged, almost forced to accept.

He was a bit… scared. How much did Makoto know? Did Haru tell him anything? He had never imagined that Makoto being Haru’s ultimate best friend could have ever sounded so frightening.

Once in front of the swimming club, he felt so bad he was about to turn and go back home. With his great disappointment, Makoto unluckily spotted him before he could do so, but his usual serene and gentle smile calmed him down a bit. Sometimes he was worried by the way Makoto was always so calm. Reading him wasn’t easy. What if he was angry with him? What if he really knew everything? What if he was there to tell him not to get close to Haru anymore?

It took just a few minutes of training to make him feel stupid for even doubting such things and he soon understood that what Makoto really wanted wasn’t swimming with him, but rather lightening his mood. Strangely, by laughing and chatting and encouraging him to swim faster, he really managed to do so.

He had probably never spent so much time alone with him. He knew Makoto was a caring guy, but by the time they had to go home, he was so grateful towards him that he feared he could have cried at any moment, knowing he had to greet him. He spent so much time locked in his own head, lately, that he kind of forgot what it meant to be with close friends. He was still a huge bundle of anxiousness and guilt, inside, and not even that went unnoticed. Makoto was really something. What was with him, that day?

“Uh?” he asked, confused, after hearing what his friend asked him when they went out of the club.

“I was just wondering…” Makoto started, a bit uncomfortable. “… if something bad happened between you and Haru.”

Straight to the point. It was clear he had been wanting to ask him that for the whole afternoon. No, it was clear he called him _exactly_ to ask him that. Did that mean he didn’t know absolutely anything? He hoped so, because his heart was already starting to tremble in fear.

“I…” Rin started, doing his best to smile.

What was he even supposed to tell him?

“I-it’s… it’s nothing important.”

He turned to a side, clenching his fists in a desperate attempt to both hold back the tears and keep smiling as much as he could. He was lucky Sousuke couldn’t come. Since he was a bit more at ease in his presence, not crying in this very moment would have been an impossible task. Not that he wasn’t at his limit already.

“I… really have to go, now,” he said, imposing himself to act cheerful.

His throat was aching from desperately trying not to cry. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to think about Haru, about… what he did. Not now. He did his best to shut all that out of his mind, but Makoto’s simple question broke his little lock in half a second and he wasn’t strong enough to close it again. He waved at Makoto one last time and as soon as he turned to run home, the tears by now already strangling him ran free on his cheeks without control.

He was not ok. He really wasn’t.

His family, Australia… and then Haru. Everything he held dear was crumbling on him, piece after piece, too fast to let him find shelter. He needed help, but he didn’t even know whom to talk to. During his everyday life, it was easy to behave as usual. The most difficult thing was avoiding Haru all day, though he was sure he wouldn’t have looked for him in any case. This sudden thought alone felt as if someone stabbed him in the chest.

Biting his lip to suffocate a sob, he left the main street to head towards the cliff where his dad was. He didn’t know why he did it. Once there, he didn’t even look at the grave. He didn’t want his father to see him like that, not after he promised he would have been strong. He needed such a reminder. Maybe that was why he went there, after all.

Trying to stop the tears, he stared at the warm sun starting his final daily descent into the ocean. It was a nice view. He kind of related to it. Sinking into as much darkness as he wanted when no one could see him, but coming back every day as if nothing happened. Sounded like a deal he could cope with. Was that being weak or strong? He didn’t know.

Also, comparing himself to the sun surely was quite an arrogant thing to do. He wasn’t even able to shine, right now.

To shine.

Yeah.

Remembering his grade school essay now was almost the last thing he wanted to do. Still, it strangely made him feel less alone. Everything was so different back then. If only he could go back to being a carefree child. Thinking about it, he was still a kid, probably. Running there to be with his father whenever things were harsh. Yet it always worked out. Even now he was feeling a bit better.

The orange sunset’s warmness surrounding him caressed his face still lined by tears and he could almost swear a kind presence placed his hands on his shoulders behind him.

He had to resist the pain. Once again. Things were going to be ok. One way or another.

A way that… turned out to be rather unexpected, to be precise.

After that first afternoon they spent together, he started receiving texts or phone calls from Makoto almost twice a day. He didn’t know how to feel about it. He was sure Makoto was acting the same with Haru, trying maybe to be a sort of bridge between them. That guy cared so much for his childhood friend that he was almost ashamed to look at him, after everything he did. Despite that, that feeble link to Haru was maybe the last thing preventing him from falling. He had the feeling he would crumble completely, if Makoto were to stop contacting him.

The days passed. Since training together seemed to do some good to the both of them, they met to do the same about twice a week. He couldn’t really understand why Makoto was suddenly so caring with him. They were friends, but he had never had a super close relationship with him. In just a few days, now, he came to realize why Haru never left his side. His uninterested gentleness was doing wonders to his mood, warming his heart with every smile. Was it because Makoto was the closest he could be to Haru? He sincerely thought as much.

Now it was Saturday again. That was their meeting day again. He wanted to go. He was _dying_ to go.

But what if Haru was there? That was his main worry every damn time. He expected Haru to pop up together with Makoto at any moment, for some reason. He knew he could trust Makoto, but it was also clear that Makoto was really hoping they could fix things and be together again. He didn’t really need such an add to his “sense of guilt pile”. He didn’t know what to do.

With that thought in mind, flopping on the chair in front of his desktop, he took the phone, looking for Makoto’s number. He would have just told him he couldn’t go, for once.

But right when he was about to make the call, his phone started buzzing and Makoto’s name appeared on the screen. Surprised so much that his heart jumped, he answered.

“He-hey…”

“You are coming, right?” his friend asked, cheerfully.

“M-Makoto, I-”

Such a question made him panic and all the excuses he collected suddenly vanished into nothing. Makoto probably noticed it from his silence, because he could hear him chuckle lightly.

“Haru isn’t coming,” he quietly said. “And Sousuke is at work. I’m not feeling like going alone. Do you want to join me?”

Rin blinked, stupefied. It really sounded like Makoto perfectly knew why he was worried. Were his mind reading powers beginning to work on him too? Maybe he was really easy to read, even by phone. Or maybe Makoto was just really good at reading people. He could understand why Haru spent all his life with him. Makoto was astoundingly able to make anyone feel relaxed and safe.

Anyone but his own self, probably.

“Aaaaah! I forgot to run an errand for my mom and the shop closed an hour ago!” Makoto exclaimed, right before going out of the swim club. Then he turned panicked towards Rin. “Do you think she’ll get angry?”

Rin chuckled, amused. “How am I supposed to know?”

Makoto sighed resigned, walking out, then he smiled at his friend, who did the same.

“Finally you laughed.”

“Uh?”

“Are you ok, Rin?”

The redhead stopped, staring at the tall guy in front of him. Since the moment he met him, that day, he had a feeling Makoto wanted to talk to him. For real, this time. The tender look he gave him while speaking somehow confirmed his doubts.

Lowering his head, he smiled, disheartened. “Let’s… pretend I’m ok.”

He was found out from the very beginning, after all, so there was no point in lying further. And after all the time they spent together recently, he wasn’t even feeling like lying to his friend, right now.

“Come to my place, Rin.”

“Uh?”

“I need a second player for a new videogame.”

That silly lie made him smile more sincerely. “Yeah, of course.”

Before entering his friend’s house, for a second he almost feared that was a sort of trap, where Makoto was trying to set up a meeting between him and Haru, telling him to wait in his living room or something. His friend probably read his mind again, because, before letting him in, he told him, with a smile, that Haru was still at school. Was that even true? Why was he that paranoid, now? He had to trust Makoto a little!

“Here,” the green eyed said, putting a glass of tea on the table in front of him, after making him sit down. “My family went to the seaside for a couple days and it’s been a while since I invited you over, so I thought we could come here and talk in peace a bit, today.”

Rin took the glass, smiling a bit sadly. “Expected it.”

Makoto sat down in front of him. “But you came anyway. That means you _want_ to talk, right?”

That assumption was undoubtedly true. If there was a person he could freely talk about Haru with, that was Makoto. He was surprised he never really considered it sooner.

“Kind of,” he answered, making the glass slowly spin between his fingers.

He stayed silent for a while, not knowing how or where to start or what to say, but Makoto waited patiently, sipping his drink.

“I…” was the first unsure word. “I… did something really bad to him.”

He saw Makoto blink perplexed with the corner of his eye. He wasn’t feeling like explaining the whole picture at all, not to Makoto, but his friend was waiting for answers.

“Let's say… I took advantage of his kindness.”

Yeah, that was exactly what he did. Finding a more accurate definition of his last months with Haru wasn’t possible.

“It… doesn't look like Haru is angry at you, though,” Makoto replied, however.

What a useless thing to say. He knew that. “He's never angry. He's too nice to get angry about… anything.”

And he gritted his teeth, begging himself not to feel like crying.

Makoto stayed silent for a while, clearly thinking about what to say, then he gently smiled.

“I'm not so sure about it, Rin.”

This time, it was Rin’s turn to blink confused.

“I’ve seen Haru angry,  before,” Makoto continued. “You did too, right?”

He sipped some of his tea, before going on.

“It's true he's not someone who wastes his energy on getting angry, but again, I don't think he's angry. More importantly, he’s probably being cautious,” and he smiled at Rin again. “… _because_ it's something about you.”

Underlining that “because” was a really unnecessary thing to do. Troubled by his face warming up, Rin felt his heart do a curious flip and he had to look away.

Makoto clearly saw his reaction, ‘cause he smiled more tenderly. “Haru really cares about you. He's scared of hurting you. You two have a really special relationship and he truly cherishes it, especially after you entered in the same swimming team.”

Rin felt those words hitting him as a slap and also his cheeks burning up a little more. “You… think?”

Seeing Makoto nod convinced, Rin felt the weight in his chest lightening up a little. It was incredible, hearing Makoto talk about him and Haru like that. He highly doubted all that could come from a standard conversation between Makoto and Haru. He was almost completely sure that what Makoto was telling him now was simply his own view about what Haru thought of him. Yet he could believe him as if Haru was the one saying all that. Complete understanding. That was the main difference between his and Makoto’s relationship with Haru. He had to admit he was kind of jealous.

Looking down, he smiled, gloomy. “You two really are close. To me, sometimes, he doesn't even make any sense.”

Makoto chuckled, amused. “I know. Sometimes you need to be really patient with him. He can be stubborn.”

“Yeah.”

“But he's been also patient with me, when needed, so I do think that if you manage to build a good relationship with him, it will be rewarding, worth the effort and impossible to break.”

At those last words, Rin lowered his head, holding his glass more tightly.

Makoto smiled to him, crossing his arms on the table. “Whatever happened, don't overthink too much. He will get back to you, I'm sure of it. So don't worry about him and come train with us again.”

“How can I not worry?” Rin protested, frowning. “You may be right, but I’m the one who's ashamed to look at him in the eyes. If I started hanging out with him again, I would just take advantage of his nature another time, sooner or later.” And he clenched his fist around his glass, swallowing the tears another time. “So… for now… let me think it over, ok?”

“As you wish,” Makoto smiled. “You are worried about him, anyway, aren't you?”

“Of course I am!” Rin replied, turning to a side and pouting. “I… don't know what he's thinking.”

“Then ask him.”

“I got it. Stop that,” the redhead protested, blushing a bit more.

His friend laughed, amused. “Sorry, Rin.”

“And don't talk about this to him.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Good.” That said, Rin stood up. “Now… You said something about a new game.”

“Haha!! Of course! Let’s go upstairs.”

Smiling grateful to Makoto, Rin followed him. That chat wasn’t enough to fix his worries, let alone to hope to be forgiven by Haru, but he was feeling better. He wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. He needed time. However, it suddenly didn’t feel impossible anymore. He was going to wait, for a chance, a second chance, maybe a third. It didn’t matter how many. As long as he could have another possibility, as long as he could speak to Haru even just once more, he was willing to wait for eternity.

***

Eternity.

That was the amount of time passed since the last time he saw Rin. At least, it felt that way.

Yawning, lying on the tatami in his living room, Haru gave up to his eyes refusing to stay open. He was really tired and the cloudy weather wasn’t helping. It was Sunday again. Another week without meeting neither Rin nor his friends. He was so worn out by trainings, work and his own thoughts, that lately, on weekends, he went to the swim club only really early in the morning, telling the others he had things to do in the afternoon.

Only Makoto knew the truth, probably: if he was absent, there was a chance Rin would go swimming with everyone. He hoped he did. Makoto did told him that they met, once or twice. It was good. As long as Rin was going on with his usual life, it was good. He didn’t want to trouble him, so he was… kind of waiting for him to be the one making the first move, but… How long was he supposed to wait? Not that he cared. Waiting was vexing, but if Rin was meant to go back to him, he could bear with it. And if he wasn’t… If he wasn’t, he would have done anything he could to let him be happy. Even if it meant not seeing him anymore.

Could that be the case?

The will to deny it made him feel a little ashamed. He wasn’t strong enough to accept he couldn’t have Rin by his side anymore. No matter how much he was trying to stay away from him, he was… He was in pain. Whenever he started to feel lonely, he had to chase that thought away immediately, telling himself that everything was ok. But it wasn’t ok and denial was slowly consuming him. When did it get like that? How many years before, exactly, did Rin become his whole world?

Lost in those thoughts, he suddenly had the feeling someone was calling him. Was he dreaming? If so, it was a weird dream. Now he was curious. Whose was that voice? It was coming closer. If that was a dream, it would have been nice if he could meet him there. Was he the one calling him? The voice was now so close that he could bet it was next to him.

He opened his eyes. There was a blurry shadow, by his side. Was he still dreaming? Could that really be…

“Rin…?”

A kind smile appeared on the face on top of him.

“I'm sorry I'm not Rin,” Makoto’s voice answered, gently.

Rubbing his eyes, Haru kept them half closed, because the room and the sky out of the veranda were suddenly much brighter than before. It was sunny now. So he did fell asleep, in the end, and he also slept for about two hours, judging by the clock on the wall.

Still a bit lost, he sat up as Makoto made space to let him do so. He glanced at him. It wasn’t like he was disappointed in finding his best friend there instead of Rin.

Just…

Ok, maybe he was.

“Sorry…” he whispered, looking down. He perfectly knew Makoto sensed what he was thinking. He felt bad for showing Makoto he wasn’t the one he wanted to meet, but… yeah, for a second, he really believed that Rin was the one by his side.

Makoto shook his head, reassuringly. “Don’t worry. I dropped by to see how you are doing. We don’t meet so often, lately.”

He paused for a moment, not sure if and how to go on.

“It’s… still not going well between you two, isn’t it?”

Haru observed him, slightly caught off guard by that question. He felt his heart sink a little.

“Mh,” he murmured, lowering his head.

“He's worried about you, you know?”

Haru’s hand on his knee startled a little, after hearing that.

“And you are too,” his friend added, smiling.

This time, Haru turned to a side, pouting as usual. “Shut up.”

That reaction made Makoto chuckle, at first, but then he became a little more serious. “I think you should talk to him. He’s convinced that you are holding some kind of grudge or something.”

Haru clenched his fists. Was that real? Did they talk? About him? How come Makoto was so eager to see them get along again? He was now starting to think he came exactly to persuade him.

“He’s your friend, Haru. I think nothing bad would come from a nice and cool-headed chat. It can be difficult to deal with Rin when he gets angry,” and Makoto smiled amused again, before going on. “… and I should say the same the same about y-”

“He's not my friend.”

The sudden interruption made Makoto blink puzzled.

Haru saw his reaction, but he couldn’t care less, this time. Hearing him define Rin a “friend” made him feel like everything was wrong. It _was_ wrong. He was suddenly so sure of it that hiding it was pointless.

Makoto was staring at him, clearly wondering why he abruptly said Rin was not his friend, like that, out of the blue, after all those years. He saw his expression become stupefied and concerned. The fact his best friend clearly believed he was serious and wanted nothing to do with Rin somehow amused him. It also made him feel relieved. This way, he could explain everything to him, instead of waiting for him to guess what he was thinking. He wanted to do it. He felt like he owed him as much, for making him worry and for not letting him understand what Rin really meant to him. Hiding things from Makoto always felt painful, especially now, after he did so much for the both of them.

He looked away, feeling his face warm up a little. “I mean… H-he's not…”

He sighed, tense, trying to calm down.

“He’s not…” And he turned towards his own legs, this time. Another lungful of air. “He’s not just a friend… to… me.”

Even if he wasn’t watching him, he swore he felt Makoto’s eyes widening like never before. He couldn’t blame him. That was probably the craziest thing he ever told him in their whole life. He didn’t even know why he felt the need to tell him. Maybe he just wanted to acknowledge his feelings for Rin, to know how it felt to reveal them out loud. And he had to say it felt good, even if his face was now burning like crazy.

Timidly glancing at his best friend beside him, he waited for a reaction. Makoto was still observing him dumbfounded, but it didn’t last long. His expression relaxed and something that shone like gratitude and relief in his eyes anticipated a sincere smile.

“I wonder why I couldn’t notice it before,” he softly said, curving his lips even more. “Right now it's as clear as day.”

Haru flinched, surprised, before becoming even redder, turning in the opposite direction. “Not really.”

Makoto laughed of his uneasy reply and that lightened up his mood even more, his heart suddenly softened and the fists on his crossed legs weren’t as rigid anymore. He was glad he talked to him.

“Does he know?” Makoto asked, with a smile.

Haru shook his head. Then, he turned towards him, embarrassed. He had never imagined he would have had this kind of conversation with his lifelong friend.

“What… should I do?”

Makoto gave him a tender look. “Talk to him. If your feelings reach him, I’m sure everything will work out.”

_Talk to him._

That was harsh.

Yet it really was the only possible solution, so he just remained in assertive and shy silence.

Makoto chuckled, pleased and somehow proud. “You really have grown, Haru-chan.”

Haru snorted, irritated. “If that's so, stop calling me that way.”

“Ok, Haru-chan,” the green-eyed replied, gaining another cold glare. “Do you have plans, this evening?”

“No.”

“Do you want to stay over?”

Haru observed his friend’s cheerful expression, before nodding, thankful. He was lucky to have Makoto by his side. He was always there, knowing what was best for him. Even about such a complicated matter. He really was incredible. During the month or two after his fight with Rin, Makoto couldn’t drop by or call him as much as usual, because of school and work, but whenever he did, it was always the perfect time. Well… every second was the perfect time, lately. He would have been lost without Makoto. Especially after all this mess.

Putting up with the fights and his separation from Rin hadn’t been easy. He wasn’t able to understand if that was temporary or if they ruined everything for good. He missed him so much. He couldn't be by his own. Not after having Rin so close to him for so much time. It felt lonely. Not seeing his smile in the lane next to his during trainings, not going back home with him, not bickering over stupid stuff, not having him under his blankets or on the futon next to his bed at night felt terribly lonely, in _any_ sense.

He also missed his warmth, his body against his own, their weird way to feel alive together. He felt guilty every time he had the urge to touch himself, every time he reached the climax imagining that the hand stroking him was Rin's and not his own. He was ashamed by the way he had to satisfy his body – and heart, somehow – like that. But he was angry. Angry with himself and with Rin, for having started something they couldn't control. No matter how wrong or deviated pleasing himself while thinking about him sounded, that was the only way he found to ease the pain. He wanted to be with Rin, to have him beside him every day of his life.

Why now? Why only now was he able to see, to admit such a huge truth? He had to bring him back. Because a life without him wasn’t life anymore.

Telling Rin he was in love with him wasn’t a piece of cake. There was also the risk that could be the definitive end of their friendship, too, but he had to do it, otherwise none of them could move on. If Rin was too afraid to make the first move, then he had to be the one making it.

Meeting at school was still impossible. Rin changed route every time he was within a certain range. After all, he did the same till now. Approaching him all of a sudden was only going to scare him even more, so he just waited, waited wherever he knew Rin could be.

He ignored their tacit agreement to avoid each other, observing him whenever he could, while talking with his friends or swimming or going home by train in the evening. Even just looking at him so much more often was enough to make him feel alive again. His heart was jumping in joy every time he spotted his red hair. He used to hate that sensation. Now it was the light giving him courage.

The days passed, like that, with such still silence as the only link between them.

And it was in silence that he waited, one evening, stopping by Rin’s workplace while coming back from some errands. A bag with some food dangling from his arm, his hands in his pockets, his back against the outside wall of that little shop in a quiet and not so bright alley.

It was late and, since summer was almost over, the days were a bit chiller and shorter than before. He didn’t mind. He would have waited even in a storm. When he woke up, that morning, he decided he was tired to… just look. He wasn’t sure that was the best thing to do. He wasn’t even completely sure Rin was still at work, but he had to stay and he also didn’t have to wait for too long, to confirm it.

He heard him laugh while talking with a colleague, his voice coming closer as he was greeting everyone. He missed his voice. He missed everything. Most of all, his smile, lightened up by the lamps inside the shop as he waved one last time towards his coworkers.

Rin passed him by, without seeing him, and Haru stared at his back as he walked out. When was the last time he saw him so up close? _That_ day, probably. They really were stupid.

Rin didn’t notice him.

Or so it seemed, till he saw him stop after just a few steps.

It felt as if time froze.

None of them moved or talked for a while, as if they had to get used to each other’s presence all over again.

Haru stared at Rin, almost breathless. His friend was maybe torn between running away and turning back, or that was the feeling he had. Did it feel like an ambush? It was clear he was there on purpose, after all.

Taking courage, he left the safe and darker wall of the building behind him. Rin still wasn’t turning towards him and he respected his choice by stopping a few steps before reaching him.

“R-Rin…”

Saying his name after so much time took an enormous amount of strength and willpower. It was such a heavy name, full of feelings, of pride, of happiness, sadness, joy and anger. At least half of all the things he wanted to say were inside that short sound. Now only the other half was left.

What did he had to say? What was the best thing to say? He had to admit he didn’t think about it, focused as he was on simply meeting him. There was a tornado of words in his mind. Picking the right ones felt like a Russian roulette game. His future with Rin probably almost depended on what he was about to tell him.

Yet, the more he thought about it, the more he felt his time with Rin was ticking away. There was something like less than ten seconds left. And he couldn’t let them reach the end.

With a deep breath, he closed his hand around the shopping bag.

“Let’s… stop this.”

His voice was shaking. He couldn’t even understand if it was high enough for Rin to hear him.

It looked like it was.

Rin’s shoulder trembled, before lifting up, as to protect him from something cold falling on him. Haru saw him lower his head, under the dim light of the street lamps.

“We… have already stopped… everything, I think,” he answered, barely audible.

As he thought. Bringing Rin back with a simple request wasn’t sufficient.

Such a resigned and dark answer made his blood boil a little, anyway. Wasn’t he tired to act like that? Wasn’t he tired to play the victim, or the culprit or whatever he felt like being?

Frowning and forgetting about any fear, Haru stepped forward, stopping by his side.

“Why did you do what you did?”

This time, he spoke while staring firmly at Rin. He wanted to see his reaction, in front of the worst question he could possibly ask him.

And he received his answer when he saw him clench his fists and his teeth in pain, stiffening, trying to hold back all the chaos, the tears, the months spent far from each other and who knows what else.

Lightly sighing, Haru calmed down. God only knew how much he wanted to hold him in his arms right now, telling him everything was ok, but that just wasn’t the right time.

“I…” he started, softening then his voice. “I am not trying to accuse you. I really… just want to know… why.”

With a couple steps, he moved in front of him.

“I’m just saying… that maybe we should wonder why we kept doing that.”

At his words, Rin startled, surprised, and finally raised his head, lost and speechless.

Haru stared at his eyes. He missed even those eyes always staring at him. And he didn’t want to see them wear such a pained expression. Not anymore.

In front of Rin’s confused face, however, after all that time without looking at him, he couldn’t avoid looking away, a little embarrassed.

“Aren’t you tired of blaming yourself?” he asked, scolding him a little. “Also…”

He really needed a pause, now. Refraining from clenching a hand on his chest to tell his heart to calm down a little, he nervously swallowed.

“Did it… ever occur to you that, if… if I really wanted to stop you, that day, I would have… done so?”

He was glad it was already dark, because he had no clue about how much his face changed color after those words. He didn’t really need a reply, anyway. Not now, at least. What he said probably made him sound like a pervert or something like that, but he wasn’t ready to go all out. Not yet. That was what he wanted to tell him, for now, to save him from guilt and pain, at least a little. It was a beginning, a first step, the easiest words he found, the ones he should have told him that day, or part of them. Even if Rin said absolutely nothing, his shocked and maybe a little flustered expression was enough.

After a deep sigh, Haru looked down at the street, to recharge his heart with some courage. “We… should ask ourselves if and how much all that was just a game.” Clenching his fist, he raised his head, determined. “When… you find your answers, I’ll be waiting.”

He stared at Rin’s eyes, till he was sure his message sunk in. Rin was still on the verge of tears, probably, but it was different from a while before. The world around them suddenly felt a little brighter, somehow.

He watched him, in silence, as to memorize the most he could after not seeing him for so long. He had to make do with that. He had to make do with that, but he was so happy! His heart was overflowing with hope. And love. Love for such a stupid idiot. To fall for him, he had to be even worse than that.

Doing his best to tell himself it was time to go, he smiled, fondly. “Goodnight, Rin.”

That said, he walked away, leaving his beloved friend behind.

He planted a little seed. The rest, whether he wanted to make peace or not after knowing that little truth, was up to Rin.

He didn’t know what all they did meant to Rin. He wasn’t even expecting or pretending it meant something. He just wanted him to find his own answer, as he found his, and in case those answers couldn’t coexist, at least he tried, at least they could find peace again.

He was already feeling lighter. How could that be even possible? It was such a good feeling.

Smiling, he looked up at the starry sky. He wanted to hope. He wanted to have trust in the two of them. After all those years, after everything they went through…

They were fated to be together. Such a thing was plain obvious. He just didn’t know how, but for now he didn’t even want to know how all that was going to end. Be that the conclusion or the new beginning of his story with Rin, what they wrote together till that moment was without a doubt the most shining treasure life ever gave him.


	5. Chapter 5

One glance was enough.

It took him just one week to confirm that. One week since the first time he spoke to Rin after almost two months.

Considering they went to the same college and, first of all, had training together almost every day, two months without exchanging a word to the point they made everyone believe they came to hate each other beyond repair was really an _awful lot of time_. Only now, he started to realize that.

All their friends were probably really worried about them, but he never cared. He was so absorbed in his own worries that all the rest ceased to exist. If only he knew that a few simple phrases were enough to light his heart up that much…

Well… What he basically did was telling Rin that he didn’t dislike having sex with him… or something like that. Once he went back to his place, that night, and he thought about what he said, he suddenly found it so embarrassing that he almost wished not to cross eyes with Rin for a longer while, but that feeling was a funny and positive one, this time, and it was exactly what was giving him life anew. Despite his awkward words, he was sure Rin got the message. He surely read between the lines, no matter if barely enough to understand he wasn’t hated.

His heart thumping fast and loud, his face suddenly feeling so hot that even being inside a pool couldn’t help, finding it difficult not to smile like an idiot every time he saw Rin at school or anywhere else, let alone the few but important times he spotted Rin looking at him as well, were all good reasons to believe that just one glance was enough to fill his heart with hope, the hope that everything could be fixed and that he could be with Rin again.

Makoto, Sousuke and all the others never asked a single thing about them, but it was clear they knew things were a little better now. If Rin ever talked to them, he never knew. All he knew was that it took forever, it took so long he was about to shout out his impatience to the whole world, but it happened, little by little, glance after glance, day after day.

Another weekend came, another training session with his friends was scheduled. In the last period, he had gotten so tired of not going to the swimming club with everyone that he just did it, uncaring about the possibility of meeting Rin there. However, be it because Rin knew, be it for a curious chance, he never met him there for three weeks in a row.

Karma was a strange thing. It didn’t care how much you wished for something. It would give you what you want only when and if it feels like it and when you expect it the least. The funniest thing is that it somehow… warns you. He was there, in the locker room, putting his clothes in his bag before heading to the pool, when he just sensed it. Without even raising his head, he knew. He knew that those steps, that person approaching the door without a word, that person that made everyone shut up for some moments when his bag hit a bench next to theirs was Rin.

He couldn’t even raise his head. He just stared at his bag with eyes wide open, even when everyone greeted Rin, even if he knew Makoto was staring at him as to ask him if he was ok. _He wasn’t ok_. Or he was _too_ ok.

As his heart almost stopped just to start beating at full speed at the realization Rin was really there within reach, as he felt happiness and relief running in his blood and then all the way up to his face in a crimson wave, all he could do was take his goggles and cap and run to the pool, under his friends’ perplexed gaze.

Not even the water could chill him down, that day. He didn’t care if everyone kind of understood his state of mind and let him swim in a rushed and agitated way till his lungs and his muscles started protesting. He was so happy Rin was there, even if in a lane so far from his. They were sharing a pool again and not because they were forced to. There wasn’t that heavy tension he always felt while standing in line behind Rin during the relay practice in college. There wasn’t that irritating barrier of energy between him and Rin’s back, pushing him away with such force he could almost touch the space between them. A wall preventing them to talk to each other was still there, that was for sure, but it wasn’t as thick as the previous one and it was slowly getting thinner.

Rin started coming to their meetings more often. No one pointed out or asked why they were not talking to each other yet. After all, all their friends knew they had a big fight. Still, everyone evidently wanted to help, because they decided to meet not only during weekends, but any time two or more of them – plus Rin – had enough free time. Haru was grateful towards their friends. They did all that without asking them, but they were doing it _for_ them. They never forced them to talk together and they acted as usual with both, letting them gradually fill the voids their fight left in their lives.

The way he and Rin more and more often were using just short syllables to reply to each other was both a little pathetic and encouraging. They were too proud and maybe too scared to start talking again like the old times. But it was something.

If their friends had tact, on the other part their college teammates made them get really angry – and really red – every time they pointed out they were getting along again, with the result they stopped interacting during trainings, but it was only a funny form of embarrassment. At least for him.

He never managed to understand how Rin was feeling. He could only make assumptions. What was clear was that Rin couldn’t overcome his sense of guilt. He could read it in every gesture and word, yet he wasn’t determined enough to tell him he could relax. When he talked to him, that night when he waited in front of his workplace, he was really drove by desperation. Now relief made him lose his guts, that urge to speak to him, with the result he blushed almost every time he opened his mouth to talk.

He was happy in that laziness, though, happy to have Rin by his side. One wrong word could make everything go back to square one and he really didn’t feel like risking. He needed time. More time. Just a little bit more. All that was lame and probably wrong, but he couldn’t help it. Love apparently turned him into a worrywart.

Sighing, Haru took his bag, going out of the locker room in the little shop he was working at. Greeting his colleagues with a smile, he headed out. That day, his shift was over at noon. Summer was about to end, so it felt good to switch from the chilly air conditioner inside to the pleasant warmth of those two hours or so before the sunset. The train wasn’t that crowded, but he couldn’t wait to get out and take a relaxing walk towards home. Once there, he was going to have a nap, prepare dinner and then soak in his tub till he would almost fall asleep in it. Yeah, it was a good plan.

Going out of the station, he took the road heading to the beach, the one he had always walked with Makoto till they graduated from high school. That was still his favorite part of the route towards home. He couldn’t wait to see the ocean every time.

Turning to take another road, he moved his phone from his pocket to his bag, then he froze into place, for what he saw with the corner of his eye while doing so. He probably stopped breathing as well, while asking himself if he was hallucinating. But hallucinations weren’t supposed to make noises, when they walk towards you. Right?

His eyes pointed at the ground, he saw a pair of dark red sneakers stopping by his side. He didn’t know what made him raise and turn his head towards Rin, because he surely didn’t give any command to his body, to do such a crazy thing. Next to him, Rin was watching him with an indecipherable look on his face, as if his body walked towards him without permission as well.

“Yo,” the redhead faintly muttered, sounding calm even if it clearly took quite a lot of strength to pronounce that short word.

He was still looking at him, anyway, and Haru encouraged that recently so rare effort by trying to do the same.

“Y-yo…” he mumbled, realizing his mouth was already opened in surprise, begging his vocal chords to work properly and his face not to turn too red.

After they stared at each other for some more seconds, anyway, Rin’s face was the one that evidently changed color and he brought a hand to his neck, turning away to bear the uneasiness.

“I… had some errands to do nearby and… I knew you would be here at any moment, so…”

His voice was shaking a lot. They hadn’t had a proper chat in ages and… well… that was probably going to be their first chat after ages, so Haru could understand Rin’s feelings completely. He was somehow flattered by how Rin waited there for him. He wasn’t even completely sure he had some errands in the first place, but he couldn’t let delusions, no matter how little, strike him now.

“Can I… walk with you?” Rin feebly asked, looking once more into his eyes.

Haru was about to tell him he didn’t have to ask such a thing, but he would have done-- no, he was almost about to ask the same, so…

“Mh,” he just said, in the end, turning once more towards the ground because now he was sure his face did became quite red.

Without another word, they started walking towards his place, side by side yet far enough. Such a reunion felt really weird. Their bodies weren’t used to be so close to each other anymore. It was almost painful. A good kind of pain, though.

Once in front of Haru’s house, Rin ignored it and went on, up the stairs. Haru followed him almost without thinking. In a silence as uncomfortable as it was relaxing, they walked under the light blue sky slowly turning pink, along the road going up, till they reached the little wooden terrace overlooking Iwatobi.

Rin sat under its roof with a deep sigh. Not completely sure he could do the same, Haru sat down next to him, giving a quick look at his profile and then focusing on the ocean glittering under the upcoming sunset.

He didn’t know how to feel. Why was he suddenly there, alone with Rin? His heart jumped in his chest. Did he want to talk? About something good or something bad?

He waited, anxious, but at some point, he started doubting Rin took him there to talk, since he wasn’t saying a word. Not that it was bad. He was so happy just to be with him that it was hard not to tell him.

Not sure about what to do, he opened his mouth to speak, begging his throat not to just make weird sounds instead of words. If he started talking, he would have been forced to go on talking and he realized he didn’t even know what to say. What could he say to a person that disappeared from his life for weeks? What could he say to a person that meant the world and more to him? He was lost, blindsided, scared and--

“It’s been a while.”

Rin’s words came out in a husky and unsure voice, that made Haru flinch. He turned. Rin was still staring at the horizon, his hands on the wooden bench, supporting him.

Haru looked down again, at his fingers nervously playing with each other. “Looks like it.”

Silence embraced them again. Finding out what to say was a hard quest.

“How… have you been doing… lately?” Haru tried to ask, a bit scared of the answer.

Rin smiled, bitterly. “I… survived… I guess?”

He paused another time, then he sighed and stretched his arms, trying to relieve his nerves.

“I… thought about you more than I… though about anything else.”

Haru looked at him, as to ask him what that _anything else_ was, though he was pretty sure Rin was talking about Australia and all the rest. His smile kind of confirmed that.

Rin leant forward, crossing his arms on his knees, averting his eyes from him. “Listen… I…” he began, unsure. “I… don’t know why you came back to me, but…” He clenched his fists. “Don’t sweat it. I… don’t need you to act as if… nothing happened.”

Haru listened in silence. Caught as he was in his eagerness to be with Rin again, he didn’t expect he would say something like that, but now that he did, he had to say he had to expect it.

He gave out a little, resigned sigh. “Makoto told me you are an idiot.”

The usual Rin would have snapped at that, noisily offending him at least as much. This time, instead, Rin said and did absolutely nothing, taking that joking insult as if he deserved it. That lack of reaction was so irritating! So not like Rin. Haru couldn’t bear it. Not after trying so hard to resist without him. Now he was there and there was no way he could let him go on with what was sounding a lot like an attempt to say goodbye. Another time.

“So?” he asked, forgetting about any hesitation, looking at the sea once more. “Was that just a game to you, in the end?”

Hearing that question for the second time, Rin turned surprised towards him, but he soon lowered his head, a guilty and sorrowful expression on his face that, despite it, turned a little red.

“Haru, I-I can’t tell you--” he muttered, clearly panicking, speaking fast, as to run away from his own words and that whole situation. “It… It was as you’ve always said. It was something we weren’t supposed to do and--”

“Because to me it wasn’t.”

That made Rin widen his eyes and look at Haru, bewildered and incredulous.

Feeling his confusion, Haru looked up, quietly. “It never was, since the very beginning, probably.” He paused, taking his time to go on and kicking a little stone on the ground when he lowered his head again. “Pretending it was… was just… comfortable.”

And he gritted his teeth, because his face definitely realized what he just said and became really red now.

Rin, next to him, ended up the same way, though his hands were still rigidly clenched on his knees, to hold in any feeling but the embarrassment he couldn’t hide. Seeing him curl up like that was enough for Haru to understand that much, especially because he wasn’t feeling any different. He gave out a deep breath.

“I-if…” he continued, as his feelings became clearer and clearer as he spoke. “If… I took advantage of what you wanted to do to satisfy these feelings of mine, then… I'm as sorry and…” He looked at Rin. “… at least as guilty as you feel.”

He was lucky there was the setting sun warming them. His soul was suddenly feeling colder. That was the first time he was admitting such a thing so sincerely, so openly, both to Rin and to himself. He was a bit shocked.

Next to him, Rin didn’t say a word. He couldn’t speak clearly, but he was completely sure Rin understood what he meant. He looked pained, as if his feelings pierced through him like a blade. Add insult to injury.

He waited. He wasn’t even sure Rin would say something, after that. He couldn’t say he was expecting anything good, but he had to admit he was still hoping. He hated that delusional feeling. It would have just made things worse in case Rin--

“I… can't accept your apologies, Haru.”

At those words, Haru widened his eyes, without gazing away from the ground, then he frowned, sorry. As he thought. He expected that, but it felt as if a freezing avalanche hit him. At least, they were being sincere, for once.

“… because,” Rin suddenly added, making him startle. “If… that's how you put it…”

Haru turned towards him, seeing him doing his best to give him a smile.

“I could say the same to you.”

Those words almost stopped time.

Rin smiled tenderly, a bit stunned by that exchange of truths. “Pretending it was just for fun was… simply easier, don't you think?”

Haru couldn’t move at all. He tried to close his mouth open in surprise a couple of times, but he managed to do it only when his face going on fire forced him to point his eyes at his own knees. Was that a dream? Was such a crazy and unbelievable thing happening for real?

His heart was hammering in his chest so much he wished he could grab it to make it stop. He was speechless. All that time spent together, all those things done together, all those days ignoring each other because of feelings that revealed themselves to be mutual. He couldn’t believe it and at the same time, he suddenly understood that he had always known it. They had always known it. It was just too hard to hope it could be real, so they faked nothing, they invented a perverted game just to have a good excuse to stay close to each other and they ended up ruining everything as those feelings became more real than they could ever expect.

Timidly turning towards Rin, he saw him smile, despite his face being red too. At loss of words just like him, Rin decided to hit him with an elbow, to relieve the tension. At first a bit perplexed, then, Haru gave him a little jab too, making Rin chuckle amused. Such a little gesture suddenly put them at ease. Maybe they wished for more, maybe they were ok with that. After avoiding each other, both verbally and most of all physically for all that time, even a simple touch like that one was enough to make their world spin again.

More talkative than how they were when they arrived there, they took their way back towards Haru’s place, the warm and orange light of the sun keeping them company.

“Are we… going to swim with the others, tomorrow?” Rin asked, going down the last few steps.

“Of course we are.”

“Yeah, why am I even asking?” Rin smiled, a bit embarrassed, before stopping in front of the doorstep. “Then… see you tomorrow.”

They exchanged a tender look, trying to postpone the moment of goodbyes as much as possible. That summed up so many words. How come that everything they had never said out loud was now so clear? They really were hopeless.

Rin looked down with a smile. He really wasn’t ready for goodbyes, after all. Holding out his hands, he lightly touched Haru’s, before taking them, hesitating a bit.

“Why… does it always have to end this way between us?”

Haru smiled, tightening his catch. “Because a certain someone can't be honest.”

“You are talking about yourself, I guess,” Rin giggled, making Haru laugh.

“May be.”

They stayed in front of the door, like that, in silence, observing their joined hands, almost in the fear one of them would slip away at any moment. To prevent it, Haru made a little step forward, lacing their fingers together.

“Don't you dare to try running away again,” he whispered, without raising his head. And he leant his forehead to Rin’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “I… refuse to go on without you.”

He could sense Rin’s surprise from the way his body stiffened, then from how he tried to talk, without emitting any proper sound.

When the catch around his hands tightened, anyway, he smiled, looking at him. “You can cry, if you want.”

“I don't want to,” Rin replied, despite his eyes barely holding the tears in. “Believe me, I’ve already cried enough.”

Haru giggled, amused by how he surrendered to that occasional crybaby side of his. “There’s no way I cannot believe you.”

“Shut up, idiot,” Rin chuckled, letting him go to dry the tears he couldn’t stop from running on his face.

Haru observed him, sweetly smiling, then he couldn’t help but reach for him and pull him closer, softly kissing his cheek. It was salty.

Rin sniffed, caressing his arm, and he raised his head, a bit embarrassed but with a little smirk. “How about we start all over again?”

“It might be a good idea.”

“No more friends-with-benefits?”

“Better not,” Haru replied, giggling.

It was strange how Rin put some distance between them by saying that and he was glad Rin was the one to say that. He was thinking the same. Rin said they had to start all over again and maybe he was right. They needed time. None of them was over what happened. That was a bad outcome to a bad experiment. They learned from their mistakes and they had to make sure they wouldn’t repeat them at least till those mistakes wouldn’t have been mistakes anymore. Could they pull it through? If Rin was worried at least as much as him – and he had reasons to believe he was even _more_ – that was not going to be a problem.

That was why he looked at him and then turned away, a bit uneasy and red-faced. “You can… stay over anyway… if you want.”

“That goes without saying!” was Rin’s immediate response.

Haru blinked, surprised by his innocent eagerness. He was almost sure he would have refused. The fact he didn’t was the final proof they really and already started to rewrite their story. Relieved, he couldn’t avoid chuckling, making Rin do the same, while taking his hands and bumping their heads together. This time it was going to be a beautiful story for sure.

The day after, they arrived together to the swimming club and that didn’t fail to make their friends widen their eyes in surprise, when they entered the locker room. Nobody said a thing, though, and after a few minutes everything was back to normality. It was clear they were still uneasy and a lot of explanation were probably owed to all of them, but nobody asked.

Only Makoto kept interrogatively watching Haru as they walked back home, that evening.

Tired of his _I-want-to-ask-but-I-won’t-do-it_ face, a few meters from their places, Haru turned to a side, sighing. “He knows,” he mumbled, blushing a bit.

At first stupefied, Makoto gently smiled. “Are you ok?”

Haru smiled back, reassuringly. “Mh.”

He didn’t let Makoto understand his and Rin’s feelings were mutual. He wanted to believe it completely himself, first, so just letting his best friend know that Rin knew he was in love with him was enough, for now. Makoto looked proud. How would have he reacted, if he knew the whole truth? What was even the whole truth, exactly?

“Say… Are we… dating now?”

Haru turned, bewildered, as he and Rin were going back to the station after trainings. Rin wasn’t even looking at him and his face was quite red. It didn’t take too long to end up like him.

Gazing in the opposite direction, he frowned, embarrassed. “Does it make any difference?”

This time, Rin snapped at him. “Of course it-!!” Then he stopped for a second, thinking, and after considering all his possible arguments, he brought a hand to his chin, pensive. “No, maybe actually no.”

Haru couldn’t avoid giggling, seeing his puzzled face. “If you think it’s more romantic, we could pretend we are,” he joked.

Rin aggressively flashed his eyes at him, though his cheeks were now even flashier.

“We did everything upside down, after all,” Haru continued, looking up. Rin watched him perplexed. “I mean… we went straight to the last step… or… something like that,” he continued, getting red too.

Hearing those words, Rin chuckled. “Yeah,” he sighed, scratching his cheek a little ill at ease. “Our first time is already gone, uh?”

Haru looked at him. Judging by the bitter way he said that and the shadow in his eyes, Rin really wasn’t over that fact yet, not even after he assured him he was ok with that.

Putting his hands into his pockets, he observed the road under their feet. “That first time sucked,” he commented, lazily.

Rin had to turn towards him worried, before understanding that, despite his seriousness, Haru was a hundred percent sarcastic. When Haru smiled at him, amused by his confusion, Rin punched his arm, soon followed by Haru. Those were words directed at the both of them, at how pathetically they let such a thing happen. If they could joke about it, if they _had_ to joke about it, it meant that a scar was left indeed, but they could overcome it. They would overcome it, without any doubt, and maybe turn it into something better.

They silently agreed not to start going physical again for a while, a mutual decision, this time, as a sort of punishment for their idiocy and a drive to rebuild a loving relationship from the basis, as it should have been since the very beginning. It was true they had always been conscious of their sentimental attraction towards each other, but some things begin to exists only when they are given a name. They were too scared to name those feelings, so they gave them a physical form. It worked for a while, but it ended up being such a disaster that none of them was now willing to see the other one naked for more time than needed to take a shower after trainings in college. Just to be sure. Not to count that, conscious as they finally were of their feelings, that could have led to other types of catastrophic consequences. They were terrified of such a force. Call it a sort of trauma but at least they were in the same boat, now.

***

“You could come with us, for once,” Rin complained, after Makoto refused Haru’s invitation to have lunch with them. It was their completely free weekend in a long while, but the same couldn’t be said for their friend, apparently.

“I told you, Rin. I’d like to come but we are submerged by tests, in this period,” Makoto complained, sorry.

Haru glared at him. He had always had the suspicion he was doing that on purpose, to let him stay with Rin, even before he told him about his feelings. That always felt uncomfortable.

Looking back once more after greeting his best friend, anyway, he saw him shrug in a silent apology. He knew that Makoto knew everything, but he wasn’t sure enough about it. After all, the way he explained him how things were between he and Rin left space for questions, questions that Makoto was considering, but that he couldn’t find a definitive answer for. One day, he would have told him the truth, but that day had yet to come.

Lately, anyway, he wasn’t the only one feeling disappointed whenever their friends couldn’t take part to a sleepover: the fact Rin was complaining too always made him feel… perplexed. Rin never did that before the incident. Rather, he was really content when nobody was joining them. Was it really so hard, for them, to feel at ease while being together, now? Just when… well… in theory, they agreed to be… boyfriends by all means.

If he had to be sincere, he wanted to be closer to Rin, to take that risk again. Rin was the one reluctant, though, and despite finding it a little bit frustrating sometimes, he respected his decision.

“Rin, come here and help me.”

“Yeees,” Rin lazily answered, putting down the magazine he was reading and standing up to head to the kitchen.

“Take these.”

And without even waiting for him to be ready, Haru turned and let go a pile of clean dishes.

“Oi!” Rin complained, barely catching them. “If you want a new set of dishes, just tell me and I’ll drop them.”

Haru ignored him, going on cleaning the kitchen and checking the food on the stove.

Grumbling something, Rin put everything back into a counter, before waiting for further instructions. His boyfriend said nothing more, though, so he sighed, getting closer and observing what he was doing.

“You called me just for that? If I can’t relax while you cook, tell me sooner and I’ll help with anything.”

“Lunch is almost ready, anyway,” Haru plainly replied, not looking away from the pot bubbling in front of him.

Rin opened his mouth to say something, but as he noticed Haru’s red ears and cheeks, the sudden thought Haru called him just to have him a little bit closer hit him like a train on fire. Scratching the back of his head, he snorted and leant his back to the counter next to the stove, crossing his arms and passively observing his partner going on with food preparation.

It happened sometimes: Haru calling him basically for no reason just because he wanted to stay close to him. He never confirmed that was the case, but it was obvious enough. It was funny because he always used that grumpy and emotionless attitude of his to catch his attention, but knowing the reason for that behavior was enough to make his heart jump in happiness. Now his cheeks were red as well. He couldn’t believe they were shy and inexperienced to such an extent. Well… better that way. They could grow up together.

While eating, he raised his head to look at him: Haru was apparently focused on his food. There were days when they just couldn’t act carefree around each other, not even to have a chat during a meal. That was one of those days, apparently. That awkward atmosphere was so irritating! Being with Haru like that was so peaceful, though.

He got lost in such thoughts enough to forget he was supposed to eat, and when Haru suddenly looked up noticing his eyes on him, he had to turn to a side, embarrassed and caught red handed.

“You don’t like it?” Haru asked, perplexed.

“N-no, it’s not that,” Rin replied, his voice shaking a bit.

Haru observed him in silence for a few seconds, before frowning, annoyed. “Stop making that face, when you look at me,” he muttered.

Rin blinked confused. “What face?”

In response, Haru knitted his brows even more. “The face of someone who isn’t allowed to look at me.”

Rin felt another “What?” raising to his throat, but no sound coming out. Haru scolding him like that was unexpected. He could almost read his thought saying “Time passed”, “Are you still worrying about that?”, and so on. And yes, he was worrying. He wasn’t able to throw what he did out of his head, no matter how many times Haru reassured him through words and gestures.

Not able to say a word, he just lowered his head, going on eating. Haru did the same, though keeping an eye on him and forcing him, later, to help with the clean up.

“Thanks,” he said, when Rin gave him the apron he wore while washing the dishes. “What are your plans for today?”

“I don’t know. I just dropped by.”

“To scrounge some lunch?” Haru asked, going back to the living room and sitting down.

Rin chuckled, following him. “Might be.” And with a sigh, he plopped down on the floor, open arms, closed eyes and a light smile on his face.

Haru stared at him. Apparently, Rin liked dropping by just to relax on his tatami or on the veranda. The temperature was still really warm, at the end of September, enough to keep the doors on the garden open, to let the sun come in. He couldn’t deny it was relaxing, after all.

Leaning his back against the table, he took one last look at Rin, on his right, before turning towards the nature outside. He was too tempted to hold out his hand and caress his head. Since he wasn’t sure he was allowed to do it now, he preferred focusing on something else. He was sorry Rin had so many troubles being close to him. They had time. He could wait. He didn’t mind waiting. It was just a pity.

“Sorry.”

He widened his eyes, when he heard Rin say that little word. Did he read his mind or something?

Turning, he found him still in the same position as before, though now he was staring at the ceiling, without smiling anymore.

“Why…?” he asked, confused.

“Nothing,” Rin sighed, sitting up and crossing his arms around his knees. “It’s just… I keep acting as usual.”

And there wasn’t any need to ask what “as usual” meant.

“I just… can’t,” the redhead added, with a sad smile, closing up even more as he put even his chin on his legs, bringing a hand to his head as if he had to take shelter from something.

“Rin…” Haru began, helplessly staring at him.

What could he tell him? Everything he told him up until now was of no use. He raised a hand to reach out to him, but he wasn’t even sure he could do that, so he clenched his fingers in a fist and he took it back, sorry.

“How many times am I supposed to repeat myself?” he muttered, frowning. “Leave that behind, Rin. If you were to do it again now, I would be even less against it than I was that day. Is that so difficult to unders-”

“It’s not that,” Rin suddenly interrupted him. “It has nothing to do with that.”

As Haru waited confused, Rin turned towards the tatami once again. “I… still can't figure out how I feel exactly,” he whispered, his lips curved in a sad smile. “And I think now I'm the one who pulls back because I'm…” And he curled up again. “… scared.”

Haru looked at him, surprised.

“With you pushing me away like that,” Rin went on. “I kept telling myself that… whatever it was that I was feeling… whatever it was that made me force myself on you so many times, how…” He gritted his teeth. “How could I even bring myself to hope… you could feel the same?”

He paused, hiding his face between his crossed arms.

“I’m awfully scared to believe this is true.”

At those words, Haru widened his eyes. That was what was worrying him? After all the years they had known each other, from the moment Rin appeared in his classroom to ask him to swim in a relay to the day they entered the same university and far beyond that! Was it about trust… or was it too much happiness?

He started at Rin, lost. He was clearly about to cry and he didn't know what to do. He opened his mouth to say something, but his words just weren’t enough. Adding more wouldn’t have changed a thing, so, out of instinct, he did the only thing that made sense to him in that moment.

Holding out a hand, he grabbed Rin’s shoulder, leaning in, and when Rin looked up, he tilted his head a little, placing a light kiss on his lips. He could feel Rin stiffen for a moment, but he soon melted like snow under his touch. Only then he let him go, opening his eyes and looking at him. Rin was watching him completely dumbfounded, his teary eyes wide open in surprise.

It didn't pass long, though, before he gritted his teeth and frowned, while his face got so red it could shine in the dark almost for sure. In front of such a reaction, Haru couldn’t help but smile, sweetly. It took so little to ease his worries. All he had to do was giving him his love. It was so simple that Rin almost looked angry for doubting something so obvious, as he was opening and closing his mouth in an useless attempt to protest, his face still beet red. But he got it. He got it for sure. And they needed no words to confirm it.

Giving up his effort to speak, Rin, still overwhelmed, embarrassed and with tears threatening to slide down his face, moved forward again, at first hesitant, and he kissed Haru once more, hugging him after Haru did the same first. Refusing to let go, they sealed their lips together once, twice, till it became a sort of prayer, a needy and greedy request not to be left alone anymore.

At some point, Rin just fell backwards, dragging Haru down with him, and he started laughing, despite his boyfriend still kissing him.

“Things are getting-” And he got interrupted by another kiss. “-heated.”

Haru lifted on his arms, giggling. “Yeah.”

“Do you mind if we don’t go any further, for today?”

“Too cliché?” Haru smiled.

“Right. It would spoil the mood,” Rin answered, amused by the way Haru agreed to stop. “Romantic, right?”

As a response, Haru caressed his cheek, tenderly looking at him.

Rin raised his hand to do the same. “But if you let me get up, I might let you kiss me again,” he joked, lifting then on his elbows.

Chuckling, Haru did as he asked, sitting on the tatami, and a moment later, Rin leant his face to his shoulder, raising then his head just long enough to be able kiss Haru again, before squeezing him in a tight hug. Haru held him in his arms, relieved, gently caressing his back, now calmly moving up and down. They found a way through, at last. It almost felt stupid not having done that before.

They ended up spending the rest of the afternoon cuddling and chilling together and time flew so fast it was dinner time in what felt like a moment.

“It’s the first time I see you cooking a meal twice in the same day,” Rin smiled, leaning to the counter, next to Haru now preparing dinner at the stove.

Haru giggled, stirring the soup. “Is it going to become a habit? Your family might start asking questions, if you start spending the whole day here too often.”

Rin shrugged, looking up. “Let them ask.”

He turned, lovingly observing his boyfriend, and when Haru tenderly smiled at him, he reached for him, kissing his lips.

“Were you holding back?” he asked, later, when Haru kissed him too, after turning off the lights in his bedroom.

“Not so much,” Haru answered, reaching his place on the bed between Rin and the wall.

Rin smiled, caressing his face. “Liar.”

Haru moved a flock of hair from Rin’s cheek, leaning forward and kissing him again. “And you? Were you holding back?”

“Well, of course I was,” Rin muttered, blushing.

Haru couldn’t avoid chuckling. “You've never been good at holding back.”

That just made Rin get even redder. “Oi, shut up, jerk!” he complained, offended.

Haru gave him a kind look, before curling by his side, embracing him and hiding his face on his chest. “You don’t need to hold back with me,” he whispered, tightening his catch.

A bit surprised, Rin smiled, thankful, hugging him as well and closing his eyes. “Same goes for you, then.”

They fell asleep with that little reassurance, which seemed to be aimed at feelings and words first, rather than just the skinship side of things. They needed more truths and sincerity and there was surely a lot of work to be done, there. It wasn’t going to be too difficult, anyway, since they were back at… basically living together at Haru’s place, just like before. They were lucky that was a habit since their college life began. No one found it weird, since there was no difference to be seen.

There was one, however, and as time passed by, it became more and more… unsustainable? At least, that was how Haru felt about it. Though he wanted to think Rin must had been thinking about it too, sometimes he was feeling kind of alone into that.

And “ _that_ ” was… lust? Sexual frustration? He didn’t even know how to call it.

They were kissing so many times a day that it was hard to count, but they had yet to go beyond that. He couldn't exactly tell Rin he wanted to do it so badly he was ashamed of himself, but… that was it. Apparently, Rin took their “break from sex” more seriously than expected. Was that respectfulness or fear? Hard to tell. With all his ideas about romantics, he could easily picture Rin wanting to act as the perfect gentleman, but that was at the same time difficult to believe, considering how he was the pushy one when they were still into their fun games.

And that was one of the two things they never mentioned again since their fight. The second one was maybe a more delicate topic, one he didn’t like thinking about very much. He was sure Rin did, however, and that never failed to add a little weight in his chest, despite he wanted to be ok with whatever choice his boyfriend would have made.

Wishing to avoid another rollercoaster into doubts, he convinced himself he had to talk about it and he decided to do so, just to be sure, when Rin couldn’t run out of it. Not that he didn’t trust him, but he was… scared of the outcome.

Sitting on his bed as they were by now getting ready for the night, Haru sighed, lightly. He really never heard anything from him, after the infamous day he made Rin angry exactly because of this topic. What were his plans?

“Rin,” he called, looking at him as he was taking out a futon.

Was he allowed to ask? Was that still an open wound? Uncertainly looking at Rin’s perplexed expression, he tried to keep eye contact, while realizing he wasn’t sure he wanted to have an answer anymore.

“Australia,” he murmured, seeing Rin lightly flinch. “Are you… still thinking about it?”

It took some seconds for Rin’s stiffened shoulders to relax and for his lungs to work again. Still a taboo, as he thought?

With an indecipherable look on his face, Rin moved next to his bed, starting to lay down the mattress.

“I… don’t know,” he answered, feebly.

Unfolding the futon, he sat on it crossing his legs, staring at his own hands, serious.

“I… still want to go there to swim, of course,” he began, clenching his fists. “But I don’t want to… leave this place.”

At his words, Haru widened his eyes. He could predict what Rin meant even before he pointed it out.

“Now that I have you,” Rin began, somehow a bit sad. “I can’t find anything worth risking to live apart from you.” Noticing Haru’s stupefied and sorry expression, he tried to reassure him with a smile, that however looked too bitter to be convincing. “I guess I do love you way too much.”

Haru stared at him, speechless. Rin was ready to sacrifice part of his beloved future for him. He didn’t know what to think. Happiness and guilt and even anger started a fight in his chest so violently that his heart started racing in an attempt to suppress all of them. How was he supposed to feel? All of a sudden, he wanted Rin to go, he wanted him to realize his big dream. Yet Rin was willing to give him his life and… he wasn’t worth of it. He wasn’t worth of such an incredible person.

At loss of words and thoughts, he could just climb down his bed, grabbing Rin’s shoulders and giving him through his lips all the feelings he couldn’t express with his voice. Caught off guard, Rin needed some moments to kiss him back, but when he did, he circled his back, pulling him closer.

Throwing to a side the sheets between them, Haru sat on his legs, opening his mouth to meet Rin’s lips again. He could feel his fingers grabbing his shirt, in a silent way to tell him he was thankful, to tell him he had to stay, now, while they were still sure they could be together every moment. For Haru, that went without saying.

Panting, he kissed Rin’s lips again and welcomed his tongue timidly nosing in, tasting it with desire. The more his body temperature was raising, the more he was refusing to let Rin go. Almost breathless, he puffed on his mouth when he leaned forward to kiss him once more. He saw Rin pausing too, a bit perplexed by that short second of stillness, but he certainly didn’t mean to stop. He was burning. There was no way he would stop now.

Bumping heads with Rin and circling his neck, he slid towards him, feeling him twitch when their groins came in contact. The realization the bulge in Rin’s pants was at least as consistent as his own almost made him laugh, but he was too turned on even for that, by now. So much time passed since the last time they touched each other like that.

Giving Rin another breathy kiss, he squeezed him, holding him close. “I want to do it.”

Rin chuckled, raggedly. “What? Our abstinence period is over, now?”

“Not that,” Haru blurted.

“What?”

Perplexed, Rin tried to distance their bodies to look at him, but Haru held him even tighter, hiding his red face on his shoulder.

“All the way.”

That made Rin push him away in an instant.

“UH?!” he exclaimed, shocked and flushed.

Haru blushed even more as well, turning to a side. “I want to… do it… properly.”

Rin tried to recollect his composure. “U-uhm… I'm not sure. A-are you really-”

“I am,” Haru replied, bluntly, hugging him again to hide his crimson cheeks. He was conscious of the fact Rin was still feeling somehow reluctant about it, but that was exactly why he wasn’t going to let him run away now.

“Oh…” Rin muttered, terribly embarrassed. “O-ok, then… uh… if you want, I guess you can-”

“No.”

Rin blinked confused again, troubled by such a contradictory reply.

Haru pouted, watching him serious. “You do it.”

“EH?!!!”

Seeing his bewildered face, Haru turned away once more, uncomfortable. “You have to… make up for the last time.”

This time, Rin couldn’t say a thing, but he possibly turned even redder.

Haru took a quick glance at him, frowning determined. “But the next time, I'll top.”

That would have probably made Rin’s face’s conditions get even worse, if only it was possible for him to blush more than he already did. He could only shout an incredulous “T-there's no need to point it out like that!!!”

“We always did it.”

“T-this is different!”

“Not really.”

“Shut up, idiot.”

“Make me.”

Rin stared a bit lost at his partner’s serious face. It was clear he was trying to provoke him, to force him to smash the wall he was still closed into somehow. He was afraid to do it, there was no point in denying it, but it felt safe there, in Haru’s arms. If there was any kind of danger, among all the feelings outside that barrier, he was suddenly sure he could fight it if Haru was there with him.

Slowly, he drew closer, lightly touching Haru’s lips. Not even the time to do it again and Haru was already adjusting himself on his by now prominent erection, teasing him while attacking his mouth. He was being merciless and also more straightforward than he expected him to be, but it was perfect that way.

They were both growing harder than before and the possibility they could hold back was by now vanished into nothing, but when Haru slid his cold fingers up his shirt, Rin grabbed his arms, stopping the kiss.

“Wa-wait,” he muttered, making Haru raise his head perplexed. “I’m not going to make the same mistake twice, so…” He scratched his head, uneasy. “We need stuff, before we go on.”

“Oh… Right,” was Haru’s perplexed response. “Then should we-”

He moved to stand up, but then he looked down, as Rin did, verifying the embarrassing state of their lower halves.

“W-we can’t go out like this.”

“I guess so.”

After a few seconds of thinking, they looked at each other.

“Hand first?” Rin asked, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

Haru smiled, amused. “Hands first.”

And he pushed him down with a kiss.

After quickly fixing that little problem, they finally went out in the chilly October night. Heated up as they were, it felt even colder. It was dark already, but they could still find some stores opened at night.

“What do we need?” Haru asked, looking first at a konbini, then at a more proper shop sign on the other side of the street.

“Uh…” Rin began, bringing a hand to his neck. “I guess… c-condoms and… l-lube?”

They needed a moment to digest the sudden attack of embarrassment.

Then, despite their red faces, Rin looked up, determined. “Ok, you go for the first, I go for the other.”

“Got it,” Haru nodded, focused on his task.

And they ran into two different shops, meeting then halfway to rush back home laughing.

“T-this is… so… embarrassing,” Rin panted, leaning to the wall in the entrance after Haru closed the door. “It… uff… ruined the mood.”

“What do you need that for?” Haru grumbled, annoyed.

Rin looked at him, resigned. “Are you serious?”

Realizing who he was talking to, Haru glanced away, blushing. “Stop with your romantic stuff.”

“Well, if I have to do it, it has to be romantic.”

“I'm not forcing you to do anything.”

“Oi.”

They paused, glaring at each other, but it didn’t last long. As Haru grabbed Rin’s coat, the redhead was already running his fingers through his black hair, pulling him towards his body and passionately responding to his kiss while bumping against the wall. Not even letting some space to breath, they pressed their lips and their bodies together, jackets on the floor, thighs sliding between their legs to rub against parts that really didn’t need further help to awaken all over again. When their state became quite clear even through their clothes, they stopped, breathing unsteadily.

“I wasn’t planning to do it here,” Rin joked, with a smirk.

Haru smiled too. “Well, now you have your mood back.”

“Idiot.”

They took a break, to make their heart and their breath go back to a reasonable speed, exchanging little kisses now and then. It was so strange, finding themselves in that situation after so much time. It felt nostalgic.

Haru smiled on Rin’s lips while pressing his body against him, teasing. “Should we go to my room?”

“Lead the way,” Rin grinned, before kissing him deeply.

It was hard to wait even just a second longer, yet they wanted to treasure every moment, carefully, tenderly. Could they do both? Judging by the way they slotted their lips together right after opening the door to Haru’s bedroom, it was hard to believe.

Eagerness caught them and lust guided them in an awkward run towards the bed, the two of them holding each other tightly and tripping on the futon, fortunately close enough to the bed to fall on the mattress, still glued together. Their lips aggressively looking for each other, their tongues playing an exciting fight, they thanked all their previous experiences, which spared them any embarrassment when they refused to resist the urge to rub their lower halves together, Rin on top of Haru pushing forward and back against him, slowly but intensely enough to force a gasp out of him every time.

Haru was holding tightly onto his head, his fingers grabbing his soft red hair to prevent him from interrupting the kiss, no matter how breathless they already were. On the other side, Rin’s hands were starting to run all over his body, searching for his skin under his shirt, running his fingers on it avidly, till he reached his groin, bringing Haru to clamp his shoulders in his arms as he abruptly pulled him down, burying his face into Rin’s neck to hold in his voice.

However, everything slowed down again – or rather completely stopped - the moment Rin took the hem of his trousers. His hands froze there, together with all his being. It took Haru a while to realize his boyfriend stopped, but when he did, he pushed him up, perplexedly watching his fingers hesitating on the cloth.

“W-what now?” he panted, kind of stupefied Rin could stop despite them being so aroused they were about to lose their minds. The look on Rin’s face was saying more or less the same thing.

“Sorry,” the redhead muttered, cracking an almost invisible smile.

Haru waited in silence. Raising a hand, he caressed his forehead, moving a flock of hair behind his ear, though it slid down again, dancing in Rin’s nervous breath.

“You took off my clothes a lot of times.”

“I know.”

Rin was evidently starting to panic, questions like “What if I lose control again?”, “What if I hurt you?” clearly visible on his face, and that would have been a cold shower none of them wanted to take, in that moment.

Haru calmly looked at him, wondering if he had to wait for Rin to get a grip of himself or not. The will and the need to free himself from his clothes cage – and some slight irritation too – won, however, over patience. A shock therapy was probably the best strategy, so, sitting up, he took Rin’s hands, guiding them down his hips together with his joggers and pants, which he kicked down the bed eager to get rid of them.

“Was it difficult?” he asked, a bit ironically, observing Rin’s stunned face while he was looking at the merchandise finally on display between his legs. His staring maybe unsettled him a little, but it was kind of funny to see Rin almost taken aback by a sight he hadn’t seen in quite a lot of time.

He took his face between his hands, forcing him to look at him in the eyes, and Rin did, surprised enough when he gently kissed him, returning the kiss within seconds, sitting up when Haru reached for his clothes, taking off his shirt.

Tracing his abdomen with small kisses, Haru slowly slid more and more down, his mouth close enough to Rin’s groin, his hands threatening to take off his pants too, yet far enough to let Rin wish for it. He could tell as much by the way his breath suddenly changed rhythm when he went past his belly button. He had no intention of giving him that satisfaction, though, and, quickly standing up, he pushed a surprised Rin onto the mattress, making him lie on it and climbing up, sitting astride his legs.

Rin looked up and down confused a couple of times, before mumbling “How come you are on top now?”

“Because you are stalling,” was the blunt reply.

Rin blinked perplexed, but he cared less than expected and he was rather relieved as he answered “Whatever. Better this way.”

Haru pouted, disappointed. How could he surrender so easily? He had always fought to be on top, in the old times.

Frowning, he reached for the condoms. Served him right. Tearing one off, he threw the box away and he suddenly kissed Rin again, since he couldn’t stand that relieved expression of his anymore. Caught off guard by Haru’s tongue searching for his own, Rin almost fell backwards, before pinning on Haru’s shoulders still wrapped in his t-shirt to kiss him back with renewed vigor.

Once he was sure Rin was focused on his lips completely, Haru slowly slid down, to kiss his neck and then his collarbone, letting Rin’s ragged breath beg for him to kiss him again.

It didn’t last long, anyway. Feeling Haru’s hands doing something they weren’t supposed to do, Rin stopped kissing his head, blinking perplexed, then he looked down, amusingly very troubled by Haru quietly putting a condom on him.

“O-o-oi…” he blabbered. “Didn’t you say you were staying on top?”

Haru glared at him, but embarrassment made him look away soon. “One thing does not exclude the other.”

It took Rin a couple of seconds to digest what Haru meant by that, but when he did, he widened his eyes even more incredulous.

“UH?!” He looked down at the colored rubber enveloping him, then up again, flushed. “Ha-Haru--”

Unwilling to hear his complaints, Haru grabbed the lube, slamming it on his chest.

“Shut up and take this. Or I’ll do it by myself,” he added turning and blushing all over again.

It was meant to be a threat, but by now he was turned on far beyond repair, so much he was going to take care of himself for real, if Rin didn’t hurry.

His boyfriend apparently surrendered immediately, though, and he brusquely took the little bottle, grumbling. “This is so not romantic.”

“It wasn't meant to be and if you don't hurry, it'll be even worse.”

At those words, Rin got even redder. “Ok, I got it! I got it!”

“How can you get so embarrassed after all the times you used your hands on me?”

“If you say that while blushing, how can you expect me not to ask you the same thing?!” Rin shouted, pausing to look away. “A-anyway… t-this… is different.”

Haru observed him, a little surprised by his shy behavior. He managed to encourage him at last. However, Rin was still caring for him so much more than he did till now, or just in a slightly different way. He found himself hit quite hard by the love Rin was treating him with. It softened even his desires, warming him up more than excitement did so far. Flattered and unbelievably happy, he circled his shoulders, sticking to him.

“I know,” he whispered, embracing him tightly and burying his face into the crook of his neck. “That's why I'm telling you to hurry.”

Rin flinched a bit, bewildered by the delicate way Haru let him know he wanted him. He couldn’t surely let him wait, now, not to count Haru wasn’t the only one who couldn’t take it anymore.

Uncapping the lube, he shook off silly thoughts like “How much am I supposed to use, now?” and he just focused on Haru still holding him. He didn’t have to worry about things being right or not. When Haru jolted in his arms as soon as he touched him, he knew it wasn’t going to be as traumatic as he figured it to be. Haru was giving him confidence and if he could repay him by making him feel good, that was exactly what he was going to do.

Haru was still kneeled on top of him, so he couldn’t exactly see what his hand was doing, but he didn’t need sight to know where to aim, after all. Taking a deep breath and holding it in for a second, nervously, he slid a finger inside him, feeling Haru’s body stiffen in surprise. For a moment, he almost feared he could have hurt him, but he discarded that possibility when his boyfriend kissed his head, caressing his red hair. In a silent response, he gently stroke his back, as to tell him to relax, and so Haru did, holding him more delicately, trying to grasp every little sensation Rin’s touch was giving him.

The first time there wasn't exactly the right mood, the level of excitement wasn't high enough and aside from something inside him, Haru felt almost nothing in particular. Now, though, expectation and happiness were doing weird things to his nerves, because he was literally shivering. Curious, he lowered a hand to touch Rin, causing him to complain for how hard he was already. Even that made him feel flattered. Knowing they were about to join again, knowing that this time Rin was there with him both in body and in mind, left him with way more than simple lust.

When Rin decided to put in another finger, he felt so stunned by that strange pleasure that he clung to his head by reflex. As if that wasn’t enough, a second after, Rin touched something that made him moan in quite the embarrassing way. He was too busy feeling good to care about it, though, and so was Rin, judging by the way the grip on his shirt tightened.

With Rin quickly learning where to touch, Haru had no choice but to fall apart in his arms. They were just at the fingers step and he couldn’t take it anymore already. As Rin kept opening him up, he couldn’t resist the urge to thrust onto his fingers, bringing his boyfriend to adjust to that slow rhythm, accompanied by Haru’s gasping moans. Could they go on? Haru hoped so, because he had never wanted anything so bad in his whole life.

“I’m going to come,” he whispered, anyway, realizing he wasn’t probably even going to last till Rin could be inside him. “Make me come.”

“But-“ was Rin’s perplexed protest.

“Just make me come,” Haru repeated. “Now.”

What was both an order and an extremely exciting beg for help prevented Rin from thinking about it twice. Taking Haru in his free hand, he began to stroke him at first, then he just let Haru thrust between his fingers, till, just after a few seconds, he came against his stomach with a strained sound.

Not even waiting to recover a bit, Haru took off his shirt, panting, cleaning Rin’s skin with it before throwing it on the floor. He stood up long enough to deprive Rin of his trousers still hanging on to his legs and he climbed on him again, circling his neck and leaning his forehead on his. Bending his knees a little, he tried to find the right posture and when he managed to balance himself on Rin’s tip, he smiled, kissing him while bringing a hand down to hold his erection into place. Without further ado, he sat on him, beginning to take him in. It was a weird sensation, not even remotely as painful as it was that distant day. Not pain-free, that was for sure, but the more Rin was sliding inside him, the more his blood was running hot in his veins.

Rin was almost holding his breath, not gazing away from him in the slightest. Haru caressed his face, to tell him to relax, and he tried to so as well, as he took him in completely. The end of the line came a little before than anticipated and they both startled, their eyes still firm on each other and their mouths open, lips lightly touching. They waited for the slight shock to wind down, for their bodies to adapt to that new situation. Haru closed his eyes, embracing Rin and feeling him do the same.

Slowly raising his hips, he felt Rin sliding out of him. Since he already came, he wasn’t even hard till now, but the raising impatience changed that in a moment. More decisively than the first time, he took Rin in a second one and, together with a wave of pleasure running up his spine, he heard Rin’s suffocated lament next to his ear. He made him have such a reaction so many times when they laid in bed together in the past. Why was it so different, now?

Curious and eager for more, he moved up and then down again, then again, feeling Rin’s hands cling to his waist. Was he trying to hold back? If so, he was either absurdly resilient or he wanted it to last as long as possible. And he somehow suddenly wished to make all that crumble. He wanted to see Rin lose that control he was desperately trying to preserve.

Building up a regular rhythm, he started moving faster once the pain died out. It was incredible how good it was feeling. Was Rin feeling better than him? He hoped so, after everything he went through. He smiled when he felt him trying to move together with him, trusting in. They were ok, now. They really were.

Gritting his teeth, he increased the speed of his movements, shivering when he took Rin in a bit more violently than before. Only now, as he was breathing raggedly clung to his shoulders, he was realizing how much he missed having Rin’s body in his hands, moving against him, Rin’s fingers running all over his back as to tell him not to stop. Everything was pulsing. His head, his chest, every single vein inside him, his groin especially, begging for more after every thrust, twitching together with every bit of him that Rin was touching, out and inside him.

“Rin-” he breathed out, panting.

Rin didn't know if Haru was looking for help or if he was just so overwhelmed by pleasure it almost seemed he was in pain. Either way, both the chances suddenly lit a fire inside him. All his insecurities were disappearing, wiped away by that weird guy now holding him so tight he was almost suffocating him. He didn’t deserve such a wonderful person by his side. How could he be so lucky? How could he show him how much he loved him? All that was just making him feel dizzy. He wanted to feel Haru, he wanted to be with him, in him, in any way he could imagine.

Grabbing his shoulders, he suddenly made him roll over, pushing him on the mattress, holding him down as he started moving in and out of him as he couldn’t do while Haru was sitting on him. He did have an unpleasant flashback from when he forced himself on him that distant night, but it was soon erased by Haru’s avid and almost desperate expression. They were drowning in a sea of pleasure, together, and it was different and so much better than what they did for over a year.

Spreading Haru’s legs, he tried to move deeper, seeing his boyfriend shut his eyes and grab his own thighs as he lifted his hips to take him in even more. When he saw him grit his teeth in a desperate attempt to hold back his voice, he embraced him tightly. Why was he feeling like crying, now? Why were tears… even…

He couldn’t hold in a sob, because something suddenly shattered inside him. Why now? Couldn’t he just… enjoy their official first time till the end? Now he was even angry at himself. He tried to keep moving, but Haru making him raise his head made everything worse and he shut his eyes, making the tears fall down even more.

“Rin…?”

Looking at him, surprised, Haru caressed his face. He let him be, observing his shaking body and stroking his red hair. It looked like Rin didn’t even know why he was crying, but he could tell. There was at least one year of repressed feelings, in those tears. Feelings for swimming, feelings for Australia and most of all feelings for him. He could see it so easily now, how much Rin loved him for a long time.

He hugged him gently. “At least finish what you are doing,” he joked.

That made Rin calm down immediately and he raised his head, glaring at him despite the tears running on his cheeks. “Shut up,” he grumbled.

Wiping his eyes, he sniffed, staring at Haru for a few seconds, before kissing him. As Haru kissed him back, he started moving again back and forth, suffocating any sound on both parts by kissing his partner as greedily as Haru was doing while grabbing onto his hair, then his shoulders, where he almost sunk his nails.

Too out of breath to keep on kissing him, Rin hugged him tightly, feeling Haru do the same. He could hear him whimper into his ear and that suddenly sent him so out of control his mind went blank. The little lucidity left only served to let him know he was at his limit. Sinking his face into Haru’s neck, in a few, frantic thrusts, he stiffened for a second, before reaching the climax in a stifled moan.

The both of them slumped on the bed, they lied down breathless for a while, recharging their lungs.

Rin raised his head for a couple of lazy kisses, before noticing something off down their abdomen.

“Haru,” he panted, lifting his body and looking down.

“What?” was the breathy reply.

“You’re still hard.”

“I know,” Haru said, looking away a bit embarrassed.

They apparently messed up their timings and couldn’t come at more or less the same moment twice in a row. It felt like talking about a race.

“I’ll take care of that on my own,” Haru said, moving Rin to sit up. “Just let me--”

Before he could even touch himself, Rin grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

“No.”

“Uh?”

“I-I mean…” The redhead looked away blushing. “I was thinking you might… you know…” And he laid down on his back. “… do it too?”

Taken aback by such invitation, Haru blinked a couple times, before realizing he was so hungry for him, all of a sudden, he couldn’t refuse even if he wanted to. He grabbed the condom box, taking out one for himself.

As he saw Rin quite shamelessly staring at him while he put it on, he nodded at his body. “You are hard again.” And he fixed the thin rubber ring at his base. “Pervert.”

That made Rin flinch and blush furiously. “Blame me!” he blurted out.

That probably involuntary compliment left them both super red and uncomfortable for a moment.

“Idiot,” Haru grumbled, taking the lube.

“Wha-”

Rin’s attempt to protest was blocked by a kiss as Haru moved between his legs. A moan left Rin’s lips as soon as Haru pushed his fingertip inside him, more out of surprise rather than pleasure. He then waited, as Haru worked on his body with gentleness, a little rushed by the eagerness to go on. The evident sight of how much Haru wanted him was starting to trouble him a bit too much and he couldn’t help but start touching himself, thinking about how that part of Haru now covered in a light blue thin foil was about to be inside him.

“Don’t do that,” Haru complained, frustrated by his partner making things even harder for him.

“Then hurry,” Rin smiled, teasing him a little.

Haru gritted his teeth, letting him go. “As you wish.”

That said, he lined up with his hole and pushed himself in decisively faster than he took Rin in a while before. He worried for a second, since he didn’t think he could maybe hurt him, but as he was about to say sorry while he smoothly pushed all of himself inside his boyfriend, he saw Rin arch his back with a lament that had nothing to do with pain. It took him a second to understand he found his weak spot at the first try and he just had to replicate the movement a second time to confirm it.

“Haru- Ah!”

If Rin wanted to tell him to take it easier or if he wanted to beg him to go on, he never knew. It was all too clear they just wanted to come, this time, and as fast as possible. With no more boundaries between them and utter pleasure, Haru held Rin tightly as he started moving rapidly inside him. On the other side, Rin’s catch on his back was so strong he could feel his nails scratching him. Completely uncaring about the way they were both moaning uncontrollably, they moved together for just a few more seconds, before coming undone in each other’s arms.

While they were most probably still spilling in their condoms, Rin lifted and cupped Haru’s face, his eyes full of desire. “Kiss me,” he begged, panting.

Haru more than happily did as asked, licking his lips and then sucking on them, as Rin did with his. Caught in a tight embrace, they kept kissing till their mouth and chin were maybe as wet as their lower bodies.

Rin made Haru sit up to be able to sit too against the wall, waiting just enough for Haru to get rid of their condoms with a tissue, before holding him close and tightly, kissing him again.

Saliva was sliding down their chin while they teased each other’s teeth and tongue and lips with their own, rubbing and caressing their bodies to their heart’s content, Haru almost shoving Rin into the wall behind him. That was probably the deepest and longest kiss they had ever exchanged and their lips were red and swollen by the time Haru stopped, breathless, to look into Rin’s eyes for a second.

“You are hard again.”

“Look who’s talking,” Rin replied, with a satisfied smirk.

They kept on kissing as their hands fumbled between them to find their erections, which they started stroking rapidly but with some difficulties. Moving their arms in such a position was quite complicated.

At some point, Haru just puffed a strained “Let me-” and he moved Rin’s hands, which Rin used to cling to him, to grab them both, swiping along their lengths till they were so turned on they were unable to kiss anymore and just came another time, in a mouth-to-mouth suffocated sound, all over their bellies.

Only then, they relaxed for good against the fresh light yellow wall, where they stayed for a good couple of minutes, completely out of strength and air.

“That was… uff… intense,” Rin grinned, when Haru managed to move to sit by his side.

“We had a lot to catch up on,” Haru joked, with a smile.

Rin giggled, amused. “Right.”

They stared at the quiet room for some moments.

“Should we take a bath?” Rin asked.

“Don’t want to.”

“I can’t believe you said that.”

“I just want to stay here with you.” And saying that, Haru grabbed Rin’s shoulders, dragging him down on the mattress.

“Hey, we’ll dirty-”

“We’ll clean tomorrow,” Haru interrupted. “And take a bath.”

“You are thinking about doing weird things in your bathtub, admit it.”

“I do. And so are you,” was Haru’s candid reply.

Rin just snorted embarrassed.

“Also, if you plan on going back to Australia, I might just come with you.”

“WHAT?!”

This time, Rin lifted up to take a good look at his boyfriend, who just said such an unbelievable thing so lightly.

As an answer, Haru brought a hand to his neck, pulling him down again. “We’ll talk about it,” he simply said. “But tomorrow.”

Surrendering to the fact Haru was evidently so drained by everything that happened that he just wanted to sleep – and he couldn’t blame him – Rin gave out a deep sigh, laying down and letting Haru curl against him.

“We won’t even turn off the light?”

Haru’s content silence and calm breathing was all he got, so he just smiled, sweetly, kissing his forehead before closing his eyes.

“Thank you, Haru.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand this super long chapter is over. I am sorry the lenght of my chapters is so irregular!! XD But I hope you stick with me anyway till the end of this. XD  
> The next is probably going to be the last chapter, more an epilogue/closure one than a proper chapter. I will do my best to finish it a.s.a.p.  
> Thanks a lot for reading!!!! I love you all!! ♥♥♥

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first explicit fanfiction and I'm clearly too embarrassed about it. However I will do my best! I hope it won't be a total disaster! XD  
> Thanks for reading!!!! ♥


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